Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney  
Sunday, 15 June, 2008, 07:41 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Atheists are all racists. We've seen this in the way they have viciously attacked Islam, saying that maybe it isn't true. They've spread wicked lies about it's lovely prophet (PBUH) and even suggested that people should be allowed to read The Satanic Verses. Thankfully, through a long process of consciousness raising, we now recognise that atheists are in fact just Islamophobes, which means racist. Groups like the National Secular Society, who have campaigned for over a century against the dominating influence of the established church in England, were really only practising so that they could be racist against muslims.

Labelling atheists as Islamophobes has been extremely successful at protecting the religion of Islam from any form of serious criticism, so I thought I'd see if we couldn't do the same for Christianity. Sure enough, now that belief in an Invisible Magic Friend is declining in Western Europe, we can see that atheists were also getting ready to be racist against everybody in Africa and South America, where western imperialism has so successfully eradicated native belief systems in favour of Christianity. As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that the BNP, in calling for a return to Christian Values, are really being atheists too. Atheists are even being racist against the hundreds of millions of white Americans who have an Invisible Magic Friend.

We need to return to a more civil debate between believers in the Invisible Magic Friend and that bunch of dirty racist atheists.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 14 June, 2008, 10:02 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Lee McQueen has finally won The Apprentice. It was riveting TV, full of drama and excitement, but at the same time it raised issues. I mean I'm not one to gossip, but what a bunch of shallow, greedy, ruthless, opinionated, self-obsessed, money-grubbing, power-seeking, lying, backstabbing gits they all were. Jesus, with his "let's give everything to the poor and live on other's charity" message would've made a much better business leader. Contrast those low lives, whom I'm sure are perfectly nice people really, with the bravery of the young people killed in Afghanistan this week. They got paid about the same as a traffic warden, whom I'm sure are also perfectly nice people really.

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Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) 
Friday, 13 June, 2008, 07:28 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

David Davis has resigned because Gordon Brown has revoked Magna Carta and wants to be able to hold the barons without charge for up to 42 days. I don't know what this has to do with Buddhism, but I get a couple of minutes to talk about Buddhism so I'll tell you, yet again, about the Buddha. The Buddha lived in a time when rulers ruled by divine right. Rather than lead a civil war and institute parliamentary rule, the Buddha decided to start a religion instead. This was based around the precept: try to be nice. MPs should try to be nice when deciding whether to revoke Magna Carta or not.

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Reverend Angela Tilby - Vicar of St. Benets Cambridge 
Thursday, 12 June, 2008, 07:18 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Although George Bush still believes that invading Iraq was the right thing to do, he now thinks he could've worded the case more politely and maybe not have lied so much. That way he would be remembered as a man of peace. Meanwhile, Islam, the religion of peace, which spread throughout the whole of the Middle East, North Africa and parts of south-east Asia entirely by force of rational persuasion, has sent a letter to Christianity. This extraordinary letter proposes the novel, and quite shocking idea, that these two great religions should try to put their differences aside and get on with one another. (Not that religion is in any way tribal, divisive or the cause of any trouble at all.) They point out that, ignoring the incitements to kill the unbeliever, beat your wives and treat your slaves properly, there are many nice bits in the bible and the koran. Acting together, Christianity and Islam can put a stop to all those horrible heathens who go around saying nasty things about their Invisible Magic Friend and thus become directly responsible for cartoon rage, teddy bear rage and Jerry Springer the Opera rage. What a happy, peaceful world we would have then.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser, Vicar of Putney 
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008, 11:45 AM
Today's Thought For The Day commemorated the deaths of three young British soldiers in Afghanistan. I don't think a platitude would be appropriate.

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Stupifyingly Reverend Tom Butler - Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 10 June, 2008, 02:54 PM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Y'know what? (Hic!) Everything's gonna be awwwllllright. I mean you don't wanna listen to some of that Christian lot. They're a bunch of nutters! Not me though, (Hic!) I'm perfectly shane and rational I am. As I said to my very best friend, Richard Dawkinsh, "You're awlright, you are, mate." And that Philip Pullman bloke, with his parallel universes and talking polar bearsh, he's awlright too (Hic!). Talksh a lotta sense that man. (Hic!) Me, I'm the fillet... polish... ophical type, I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do. Not Augushtine and Aquinas and all that bunch a tossas, I mean real philosophers, like Terry Pratchett. He says everything's gonna be awlright too.

Maybe just a teansy, weansy little one to start the day off... (Hic!)

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings  
Tuesday, 10 June, 2008, 02:32 PM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Both candidates for the US presidency are, naturally, men of faith. The good people of the United States would not be so foolish as to elect anyone to public office who does not have an Invisible Magic Friend, unlike this heathen cesspit which has openly atheist politicians. Given that both candidates are good, noble, men of faith, it really doesn't matter who gets elected. This is often the case in life. Few decisions are black and white between a correct, moral, godly choice, and an incorrect, immoral atheistic one.

As Jesus said, the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men make them feel the weight of their authority. We Christians don't do that. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that we never cover ourselves with empty, pompous titles. Nor do we assert our inherent moral superiority over the rest of you. I'd just like to say to the people of the United States of Jesusland, vote for the man who reads Jesus the most.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 7 June, 2008, 09:10 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Demon Drink is in the news again. Paul Gascoigne, one of the most talented football players of his generation, has been sectioned for his own safety. This doesn't just happen to famous people. It can happen to ordinary people too. We mustn't blame this on alcohol though. After all, it's only an addictive chemical that happens to be heavily advertised, widely and cheaply available and almost completely unavoidable in most British social settings. As the good book says: go on, have a good time, there's nothing wrong with a drink or two, but if you lose control then that's your fault. My Invisible Magic Friend says he didn't turn water into wine just so you could vomit on his carpet and smash the furniture up. You can't go around blaming an intoxicating substance for you being a wicked sinner.

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Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks 
Friday, 6 June, 2008, 09:29 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Barack Obama wrote a book called "The Audacity of Hope". Coincidentally, I wrote a book called the The Politics of Hope, available from all good booksellers and via the internet. If you analyze American presidential campaigns, you'll find that nine times out of ten, it is the candidate that is the most optimistic that wins. Yep, telling everyone that everything's rosy and if you vote for me it'll be even better, works every time.

The Jews have been hopeful ever since they were a nation of slaves. They definitely were slaves, even though the Egyptians don't seem to have noticed this and despite the fact that forty years of wandering in the desert didn't leave behind a single verifiable archaeological artifact. After all- absence of evidence means anything could have happened. So as I point out in my book (a real steal from Amazon at only 6.99), hope is really important. We Jews have been hoping for 3,300 years that our Invisible Magic Friend will start being nice to his chosen people any day now.

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Might be offline for a few days 
Thursday, 5 June, 2008, 08:01 AM
I'm off to Aberdeen until next Weds. I'll have my pocket laptop with me, but who knows what sort of internet connection the hotel will have.

I'm going to a re-union of my old school. This might be the last chance to see the place before it gets turned into a luxury hotel, conference centre and golf course. I'm really looking forward to this. Many of my old school friends know I'm gay, but of course they didn't know this when we were all there training to be Roman Catholic priests. I might even bump into the odd bishop or cardinal that I've had cause to mention on this blog. Terry and me haven't quite decided whether we're going to abandon being an inherent moral evil and a threat to family values for the weekend. We'll just have to see how it goes. We're not going to the evening re-union dinner though. We want to give them all a chance to gossip about us.

:)

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