Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney  
Wednesday, 18 June, 2008, 09:32 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Two gay clergy have performed a marriage ceremony in an Anglican church. No doubt many Radio 4 listeners, renowned for their conservative, intolerant attitude, will be shocked and outraged by this. However, before you all go throwing furniture about the room, let me, as a Reverend Doctor, just assure you that this is quite legitimate within the Anglican Church. Since the church is the guardian of the country's morals, whom we all look to when deciding what we should accept and what we should denounce as evil, I will provide clear arguments to support my case.

According to the Book of Common Prayer, marriage has three functions.

1. To make babies. Well nobody really believes that any more. There are too many babies in the world already and we're all far too busy to go around looking after any more of them.
2. As a remedy against sin and fornication. Gay marriage certainly wins on this. Anything that keeps them out of the cottage cupboard has to be a good thing, wouldn't you say?
3. To provide comfort and companionship. I think most normal people would agree that even gays are entitled to satisfy their need for emotional relationships.

So there you have it, gay marriage wins on 2 out of 3 Common Prayer criteria and nobody much bothers with the other one. Given the central position that the CoE takes in most people's lives, I'm sure that'll be a great relief. I expect that'll be an end of the matter.

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Magnificently Reverend Tom Butler - Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 17 June, 2008, 09:16 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

Offenders doing community service are going to be made to wear high visibility clothing to try to shame them into repentance. This might work for some, but many already have such low self esteem that it is more likely to make matters worse. Victim-offender dialogues are far more effective, forcing those who wreck others' lives to confront the consequences of their actions. (Hic!)

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings  
Monday, 16 June, 2008, 08:00 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

A memorial to journalists killed doing their duty will be unveiled tonight. Every night, at 10 pm, it will add to London's light pollution by sending a beam of light 1 km into the sky. Journalists often have to work in dangerous parts of the world, and sometimes become targets themselves when they present a truth that is inconvenient to one side or the other. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that truth is terribly important. Truth helps us determine how to react. Truth prevents our feelings from being manipulated. Thankfully, that well known war correspondent, John the Evangelist has truthfully reported that Jesus said: the truth will set you free.

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Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney  
Sunday, 15 June, 2008, 08:41 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Atheists are all racists. We've seen this in the way they have viciously attacked Islam, saying that maybe it isn't true. They've spread wicked lies about it's lovely prophet (PBUH) and even suggested that people should be allowed to read The Satanic Verses. Thankfully, through a long process of consciousness raising, we now recognise that atheists are in fact just Islamophobes, which means racist. Groups like the National Secular Society, who have campaigned for over a century against the dominating influence of the established church in England, were really only practising so that they could be racist against muslims.

Labelling atheists as Islamophobes has been extremely successful at protecting the religion of Islam from any form of serious criticism, so I thought I'd see if we couldn't do the same for Christianity. Sure enough, now that belief in an Invisible Magic Friend is declining in Western Europe, we can see that atheists were also getting ready to be racist against everybody in Africa and South America, where western imperialism has so successfully eradicated native belief systems in favour of Christianity. As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that the BNP, in calling for a return to Christian Values, are really being atheists too. Atheists are even being racist against the hundreds of millions of white Americans who have an Invisible Magic Friend.

We need to return to a more civil debate between believers in the Invisible Magic Friend and that bunch of dirty racist atheists.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 14 June, 2008, 11:02 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Lee McQueen has finally won The Apprentice. It was riveting TV, full of drama and excitement, but at the same time it raised issues. I mean I'm not one to gossip, but what a bunch of shallow, greedy, ruthless, opinionated, self-obsessed, money-grubbing, power-seeking, lying, backstabbing gits they all were. Jesus, with his "let's give everything to the poor and live on other's charity" message would've made a much better business leader. Contrast those low lives, whom I'm sure are perfectly nice people really, with the bravery of the young people killed in Afghanistan this week. They got paid about the same as a traffic warden, whom I'm sure are also perfectly nice people really.

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Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) 
Friday, 13 June, 2008, 08:28 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

David Davis has resigned because Gordon Brown has revoked Magna Carta and wants to be able to hold the barons without charge for up to 42 days. I don't know what this has to do with Buddhism, but I get a couple of minutes to talk about Buddhism so I'll tell you, yet again, about the Buddha. The Buddha lived in a time when rulers ruled by divine right. Rather than lead a civil war and institute parliamentary rule, the Buddha decided to start a religion instead. This was based around the precept: try to be nice. MPs should try to be nice when deciding whether to revoke Magna Carta or not.

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Reverend Angela Tilby - Vicar of St. Benets Cambridge 
Thursday, 12 June, 2008, 08:18 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Although George Bush still believes that invading Iraq was the right thing to do, he now thinks he could've worded the case more politely and maybe not have lied so much. That way he would be remembered as a man of peace. Meanwhile, Islam, the religion of peace, which spread throughout the whole of the Middle East, North Africa and parts of south-east Asia entirely by force of rational persuasion, has sent a letter to Christianity. This extraordinary letter proposes the novel, and quite shocking idea, that these two great religions should try to put their differences aside and get on with one another. (Not that religion is in any way tribal, divisive or the cause of any trouble at all.) They point out that, ignoring the incitements to kill the unbeliever, beat your wives and treat your slaves properly, there are many nice bits in the bible and the koran. Acting together, Christianity and Islam can put a stop to all those horrible heathens who go around saying nasty things about their Invisible Magic Friend and thus become directly responsible for cartoon rage, teddy bear rage and Jerry Springer the Opera rage. What a happy, peaceful world we would have then.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser, Vicar of Putney 
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008, 12:45 PM
Today's Thought For The Day commemorated the deaths of three young British soldiers in Afghanistan. I don't think a platitude would be appropriate.

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Stupifyingly Reverend Tom Butler - Lord Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 10 June, 2008, 03:54 PM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Y'know what? (Hic!) Everything's gonna be awwwllllright. I mean you don't wanna listen to some of that Christian lot. They're a bunch of nutters! Not me though, (Hic!) I'm perfectly shane and rational I am. As I said to my very best friend, Richard Dawkinsh, "You're awlright, you are, mate." And that Philip Pullman bloke, with his parallel universes and talking polar bearsh, he's awlright too (Hic!). Talksh a lotta sense that man. (Hic!) Me, I'm the fillet... polish... ophical type, I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do. Not Augushtine and Aquinas and all that bunch a tossas, I mean real philosophers, like Terry Pratchett. He says everything's gonna be awlright too.

Maybe just a teansy, weansy little one to start the day off... (Hic!)

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings  
Tuesday, 10 June, 2008, 03:32 PM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Both candidates for the US presidency are, naturally, men of faith. The good people of the United States would not be so foolish as to elect anyone to public office who does not have an Invisible Magic Friend, unlike this heathen cesspit which has openly atheist politicians. Given that both candidates are good, noble, men of faith, it really doesn't matter who gets elected. This is often the case in life. Few decisions are black and white between a correct, moral, godly choice, and an incorrect, immoral atheistic one.

As Jesus said, the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men make them feel the weight of their authority. We Christians don't do that. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that we never cover ourselves with empty, pompous titles. Nor do we assert our inherent moral superiority over the rest of you. I'd just like to say to the people of the United States of Jesusland, vote for the man who reads Jesus the most.

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