This wasn't addressed to me personally, so I presume it was simply cut and pasted into a bunch of atheist blogs found by following website links, with no real attention paid to the nature or purpose of those sites. I expect some poor fools with nothing better to do on a Sunday morning, like me, will rise to the bait.

The demand for Muslim schools comes from parents who want their children a safe environment with an Islamic ethos.Parents see Muslim schools where children can develop their Islamic Identity where they won't feel stigmatised for being Muslims and they can feel confident about their faith.

You seem to have me confused with someone else. I have no power or influence over anything to do with children's schooling in our country. The man you want is this man, Rt Hon Ed Balls MP, Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families - well at least he was this morning.



However as soon as I'm put in charge of the nation's schools, I assure you I will take all points of view, including your own, into account. I should warn you however that the present education secretary is probably considerably more convinced by your arguments than I am.

Funnily enough, almost identical arguments were made in my home country, Scotland, about a century ago. We Irish Catholic immigrants needed our own schools so that we could retain our own distinctive culture, free from the repression of the majority religion. Of course there was no real evidence that any such repression existed. What they, the Catholic bishops, and now you, really mean is that you want your children to be segregated so that you can freely brainwash them about the rules of your Invisible Magic Friend cult. You know that if they mix freely with other children and learn about other belief systems, yours will more than likely not stand up to objective scrutiny. They may find another religion, or even none at all, a more appealing prospect. You are basically insecure and afraid and you need to be given state money and power so that you can protect your own vested interests.

The result in Scotland has been a century of sectarianism, violence, discrimination and community hatred that even now cannot be freely discussed in polite Scottish society. Of course we didn't have the added benefit of being a different skin colour from our fellow citizens. I'm sure that will make things much better.

Muslim schools are working to try to create a bridge between communities.

Clearly segregating children from one another, teaching them that one set of beliefs is superior to all others and not allowing them to freely explore the culture and beliefs of other children will be very helpful in that regard.

There is a belief among ethnic minority parens that the British schooling does not adequatly address their cultural needs. Failing to meet this need could result in feeling resentment among a group who already feel excluded. Setting up Muslim school is a defensive response.

Yep - that's almost word for word what the Catholic bishops said. It's a defensive response all right, defensive by you, afraid to let your children mix with other children in case they discover that your Invisible Magic Friend isn't all he's cracked up to be. Defensive in case your children seek out other forms of learning beyond the gibberish in the Koran. Defensive by you, in case the children discover art, philosophy, science, history and all the other far more fulfilling sources of wisdom than your religion.

State schools with monolingual teachers are not capable to teach English to bilingual Muslim children. Bilingual teachers are needed to teach English to such children along with their mother tongue. According to a number of studies, a child will not learn a second language if his first language is ignored.

Bilingual Muslim children need state funded Muslim schools with bilingual Muslim teachers as role models during their developmental periods.

Children for whom English is a second language are clearly at a disadvantage when they enter a predominantly English speaking school system and a predominantly English curriculum. Their English speaking skills need improvement so that they can take part fully in the school system and extra resources need to be provided where this is necessary. Personally, I'd be happy if most of the children leaving school these days could write and speak English, let alone a second language.

Muslims have the right to educate their children in an environment that suits their culture. This notion of "integration", actually means "assimilation", by which people generally really mean "be more like me". That is not multiculturalism.

Of course everyone has the right, within reason, to bring their children up the way they wish, but children have rights too. They have the right to be taught that there is a wider world out there, beyond what their parents know. They have the right to talk and make friends with children from other traditions and beliefs, to sample the best that other cultures have to offer. Nor is this a one way exchange, everyone learns from everyone else's traditions and cultures. This is true multiculturalism, not your hellhole vision of segregated ghettoes, where separate communities speak different languages, worship different gods, eat different foods and have no friends or relationships with anyone who is a different colour. Because you are afraid of what other cultures have to offer you seek to deny them to your children.

In Sydney, Muslims were refused to build a Muslim school, because of a protest by the residents. Yet a year later, permission was given for the building of a Catholic school and no protests from the residents. This clrearly shows the blatant hypocrisy, double standards and racism. Christians oppose Muslim schools in western countries yet build their own religious schools.

I agree - the solution is to open up all sectarian schools and allow children of all faiths to mix freely with one another. Sectarian schooling is an affront, peddled by those who know that, without the power to force their religious beliefs on their children, their beliefs will die out and be condemned to the dustbin of history where they belong.

British schooling and the British society is the home of institutional racism. The result is that Muslim children are unable to develop self-confidence and self-esteem, therefore, majority of them leave schools with low grades.

I've met a great many young muslims with excellent qualifications and brimming with self confidence. Far from suffering the problems you describe they seem to have positively thrived in community schools. Perhaps this is what you fear most.

Racism is deeply rooted in British society. Every native child is born with a gene or virus of racism, therefore, no law could change the attitudes of racism towards those who are different.

Try looking up the word "irony" in a dictionary - I'm sure there's an equivalent in every language.

It is not only the common man, even member of the royal family is involved in racism. The father of a Pakistani office cadet who was called a "***" by Prince Harry has profoundly condemned his actions. He had felt proud when he met the Queen and the Prince of Wales at his son's passing out parade at Sandhurst in 2006 but now felt upset after learning about the Prince's comments. Queen Victoria invited an Imam from India to teach her Urdu language. He was highly respected by the Queen but other members of the royal family had no respect for him. He was forced to go back to India. His protrait is still in one of the royal places.

Ah yes, the Royal Family, the best, the wisest, the most noble of us all. Like all "native" children of our land, I do of course worship the Royal Family. I have portraits of them in every room. Sadly, due to a lack of space, His Royal Highness Prince Harry has found himself in the upstairs toilet, above the cistern. This has the unfortunate consequence that every uncontrolled expulsion of gas finds itself directed towards his royal likeness.

There are hundreds of state schools where Muslim pupils are in majority. In my opinion, all such schools may be designated as Muslim community schools with bilingual Muslim teachers. There is no place for a non-Muslim child or a teacher in a Muslim school.

www.londonschoolofislamics.org.uk

Fear, hatred, racism, xenophobia: you really are a very small minded person who desperately wants the next generation to grow up as small minded as yourself. I have a great deal of confidence in today's Muslim youth. Despite the stereotypes portrayed in the right wing press, many of them are well educated, liberal and open minded. I can understand your fear.

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Today we mark the 65th Anniversary of the D-Day landings. I never took part in these, nor have I taken part in any armed conflict, nor have I ever been in the armed forces, or come close to anything remotely resembling military action. In fact, I've never even been anywhere within hearing distance of a gun being fired. But I have seen some corking good films about them. I just love watching films where people get stabbed, or shot, or blown to bits. It's just terrific watching people's houses getting blown up, losing all they've worked for, their children being orphaned and people being crippled and maimed. I think war films are brilliant and I am a Rev. Dr. Dr., so I think that makes me the natural person to come on here and talk about war.

As International Director of Micah Challenge, a global organisation that prays and campaigns for poor people, and as a Human Rights Commissioner, defending the rights of all, black or white, Christian or some other religion, straight or straight, and as a council member of His Hollowness St. Tony of Bliars' Faith Foundation, with its modest aims of eliminating poverty, ending war, and bringing all religions together in peace and harmony under St. Tony's benevolent leadership, I can confidently tell you that whether the decision to go to war is made democratically or not is unimportant. What is important is whether the Invisible Magic Friend thinks we should go to war or not. Ultimately, it's the imaginary voices in our heads we should listen to, not reason or the will of the people.

The Invisible Magic Friend has, of course been completely silent on the subject of war, except when confiding in his holy politicians and holy generals, but I just want to tell all the soldiers and veterans out there, who probably haven't thought all that much about war, that the Invisible Magic Friend definitely approves of just wars. You can trust me on this, I'm a Rev. Dr. Dr.

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After the successful hatching of a healthy chick to two gay penguins, the Roman Catholic church has demanded urgent talks with ministers.

"We must ensure that Catholic zoos are not required to provide eggs to homosexual penguins," said the most irrelevant and imminently eminent Vincent Nichols, Archbigot of Westminster. "If the good work of Catholic zoos around the world is to be continued then it is vital that Catholics be allowed to allocate eggs to penguins in keeping with their conscience. We will do all we can to work within the rules, but we must think of the chicks here. Male and female He created them. Catholics cannot be required to endorse unnatural relationships among penguins. If all else fails then we will have no choice but to close all the zoos and sell the animals to abattoirs."

The leader of the Catholic Hierarchy in Scotland, Cardinal Keith O'Brien was quick to concur. "This is what comes of a society that has lost its moral compass and can no longer distinguish between good and evil. The Church has consistently warned that a full consideration of penguin ecology must include care for the spiritual well-being of penguins. What would happen to penguin-kind if all penguins chose to adopt immoral lifestyles? I fear this is the beginning of the end. It is no exaggeration to state that this is the penguin holocaust."

Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

Pick almost any day in the year and you'll find the anniversary of some battles or wars nearby. History is full of examples where relationships between communities have completely broken down and everyone says there's no option left but to fight. Some people on this programme might start wittering on about what their Invisible Magic Friend thinks about war, or even how their Invisible Magic Friend is better than everyone else's Invisible Magic Friend, which is why you have to kill them all, but I'm not even going to mention my Invisible Magic Friend today. Instead, I'm going to mention that neuro-scientists say our rational brain is often overcome by our more basic animal instincts when we feel threatened, and we simply have to learn not to give in to these instincts.

Christians and Jews have finally managed to live peacefully with one another, despite having different flavours of the same Invisible Magic Friend. All it took was 2,000 years of emnity and persecution, a genocidal holocaust and a couple of world wars. Even Europe has managed to stay mostly peaceful for the last 60 years. All we need now is respect between Islam's version of the Invisible Magic Friend and the West's version of the Invisible Magic Friend and, voila, no more Invisible Magic Friend wars!

As President Obama said, wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along with the Wahhabist regime in Saudi Arabia, or the theocracy in Iran, or the dictatorships in Egypt and Syria?

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The Alistair in question being Alistair Darling, the current Chancellor of the Exchequer. Sorry if this has nothing to do with TFTD, but can anyone out there explain the Private Finance Initiative to me? This is the scheme whereby the private sector build public buildings and then rents them back to us at a profit. I've always thought this was a bit of dodgy government book keeping, but current developments seem to make the story even stranger.

It turns out that our state owned banks are no longer lending money to private companies, so the private companies are turning to the government, i.e. us, for finance. This means that.

- We lend money to private companies.
- They use that money to build schools and hospitals.
- They then rent the buildings, that we paid for, back to us.
- They get 10 times the amount of money in profit that we originally lent them.

Does this strike anyone else as just a bit odd? If the treasury can loan the money to build the hospitals, then why doesn't the treasury just give the money straight to the NHS to build its own hospitals? If I were a cynic, which I'm not, I might be inclined to believe that the government thinks the public finances are up the spout anyway, so let's just make things as difficult as possible for the next administration while we all have a good laugh watching them trying to sort it out.

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

It's 20 years since an anonymous young Chinese man stood up to a line of
government tanks. The world is full of brave people like this. We all sneer at and deride such courage. "There goes that really stupid person standing up to a line of tanks", we all say. We all like to laugh at people who stand up to evil at great personal risk. And by "we", I do of course mean "you".

People like you just lounge around all day watching reality TV shows, amusing yourselves to death, stuffing your face with pizza drowned down with lager, poking fun at brave, Christian people. The early church, which didn't lounge around watching reality TV shows all day, recognised the importance of brave, courageous people and called them idiots.

As a Rev. Dr. Dr., let me just assure you that the existence of brave idiots proves that the Invisible Magic Friend exists, just as Jesus dying on the cross proves that He was in fact the Invisible Magic Friend in disguise. This may all sound completely stupid, but it's stupid people, like Tank Man, who believe in Jesus and it's stupid people, like Tank Man, who change the world. It takes the bravery of people like Tank Man to believe something as stupid as Christianity, which makes us Christians as brave and noble and fine and proudly stupid as Tank Man.

I'm sure that Tank Man must have been a Christian, or if he wasn't then he certainly would be if he had the chance, because only Christians have values that aren't utterly selfish. We Christians, unlike you lot, have faith in brave idiots like Tank Man.

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In a move that will be a crushing blow to the Catholic Church, the High Court in Malaysia has upheld a ban on Catholics calling God, Allah. "We're extremely disappointed by this decision," said Archbishop Datuk Murphy Nicholas Xavier Pakiam, bishop of Kuala Lumpur. Catholics have traditionally called God, Allah, for centuries in Malaysia, but the "Control and Restriction of the Propagation of non-Islamic Religious Enactment Act (1988)" makes this an offence.

A leading Islamic scholar explained. "Allah is, of course, just the Arabic word for God, and there is only one God, the same God that is worshipped by Christians and Jews, but if Catholics go around calling their God, which is the same as our God, God, then it will cause no end of confusion. They've got to find a different name for their God, which is the same as our God, and stop calling Him God. Some muslims have already started praying in the direction of Rome, saying that if it's all the same God why can't they pray to Him in any direction? With that kind of confused thinking people could end up praying in all sorts of wrong directions. It'd be an absolute disaster."

I asked Archbishop Datuk Murphy Nicholas Xavier Pakiam what they were going to call their God, who is the only God and the same God as the Muslim God, in the meantime. "How about Murphy?" the archbishop replied, "Murphy's a nice name."

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Welcome to today's edition of "Let's speak Vaishnav Hindu Theology", where I introduce you to a whole new range of words for things you already know, but then explain to you that you didn't really know them all along because you're not spiritual enough and didn't realise that the exotic, eastern theological concepts they encapsulate are suffused with hidden meaning and mystic mysticalness.

Now that you know all about Dharma and sat, as well as Atman, we move on to the advanced concept of "vanilla custard", or "patience". You probably think you know what "patience" is, but you don't, because you're not spiritual enough. From my very advanced state of spiritualness I will endeavour to explain "patience", or "vanilla custard" to you. "Patience", or "vanilla custard" as it is more correctly called, means to keep trying when the odds are against you, a bit like "persistence", but with a different spelling. There - now you know what "patience", or "vanilla custard" as it is more correctly called, is all about.

"Patience", or "vanilla custard" as it is more correctly called, is a good thing. The 16th century mystic Hindu philosopher Rupa Goswami, whom you've probably never heard of (what with you not being as advanced in spiritualness as I am), agrees with me, therefore I must be right. His famous equation:

spiritual progress = enthusiasm + determination + patience

works for every known situation. "Enthusiasm", or "sponge base" as it is more correctly called by we advanced spiritual people, means being really keen. "Determination", or "raspberry jelly" as it is more correctly called by we advanced spiritual people, means still being really keen, but is much more profound and mystical when spelt this way.

These three together make spiritual progress, which is no trifle. They are just part of the mystical secrets of Vaishnav Hinduism that has made it what it is today. If only President Obama were a Hindu he would know this. Then he could spread this enlightened spirituality to the Middle East, because as we all know, what the Middle East really, really needs is another religion.

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Freedom of Information is a good thing, except when it threatens confidentiality. Information about certain late term abortions is a case in point. Women who have late abortions and their doctors should not feel threatened.

People just aren't equipped to deal with information. If you tell them things then they'll just get angry and turn into a rampaging mob that goes around burning and looting and murdering and going completely mad. The Invisible Magic Friend says you should use information wisely and not go around burning and looting and murdering and going completely mad.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

MPs don't know how to recover the great esteem that they once had. In a creek they are up, a paddle without. What can they do? It's obvious: become Catholics and go to Confession. You should all try it, you'll love it. You'll be there, all alone in the dark with a Catholic priest, telling him all your most intimate and private thoughts. What could be more natural and healthy? He will then tell you how you can right the terrible wrongs you have done by saying three Hail Mary's and a Glory Be.

This scientifically proven technique will cleanse your soul and leave the invisible magic bit of yourself whiter than white and daisy fresh. The process is full of complex technical terms which can only be properly understood by a fully trained theologian, but a basic understanding is possible for ordinary people like you. A leading theologian explains.

"We took two souls, one washed in scientifically tested and verified Catholic Confession and one in another leading brand of admission of guilt. As you can see, or you would see if it weren't magic and invisible, the soul washed in Catholic Confession is 100% absolved of all sin, while the other soul isn't."

So if you've been having impure thoughts lately, and unluckily aren't a sadistic rapist in charge of an Irish Catholic single sex school, why not try new improved, scientifically proven, Catholic Confession. No other absolution looks like it, or lasts like it.

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