Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Who knows what happened in the Iranian elections? Who knows what the outcome of the current civil unrest will be? Comparisons are obviously being made to the revolution of 20 years ago, when an outdated, secular (spit) monarchy was overthrown and a wonderful, modern Islamic paradise was introduced. Except not everyone appears to be happy with this modern Islamic paradise. Iranians care enough about Mahmoud Ahmadinnerjacket to both vote for him and riot over the results.



Compare that with our own recent low turnout for the 785 Euro MPs, whose names roll off the lips so easily. Hardly anyone seemed to care about the great European Parliament that does whatever it does so splendidly, both in Strasbourg and in Brussels. Not a single riot, not one - it's just pathetic. As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that Muslim democracies know how to do elections properly. That's because they care about the Invisible Magic Friend. They care about what the Invisible Magic Friend says is right and wrong. (I'm not going to go into specifics about which things are wrong and how they should be punished - you'll find out when we have our own Islamic paradise.)

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Did you know, no lishen, thish ish really good, you'll like thish. (hic!) Did you know, the splash... splash... splasheebo effect hash an evil twin? Eh? I bet you didn't (hic!) know that, eh? 'Sh called the noshedo... n't effect. (hic!) She all the intesting fings I know? I'm the Bishop of So'thuck, shwat I do! (hic!) Anyway, sis noshedo... n't effect wash all over Afcra. Then Chrishianity came and shaid "At's all a load a shupershitous (hic!) shupershishtous nonshensh, you don't wanna go believing all that baloney. You want'sh a proper religion, like Chrishtiamably, (hic!) that'sh what you want." And ye nowhat? All 'em Afcrans, they thought (hic!) thought t'them selves, "Yeah, dis Chrishtiamably's mush more rashnil 'nd lozhcal th'n all that shilly shtuff w'used t'believe." (hic!) And that'sh the totally shientifc eshplanashon how Afcra went Chrishtion.

Cheers! (hic!)

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Oh dear, Iran's gone and elected a religious nutter to be its president again. Iran has to stop looking in on itself. They should be more like us, think of themselves as part of the wider world, read some English newspapers written in Arabic characters - or are they written in Roman characters? I'm sure in Iran, good English papers would be in Arabic characters, as indeed the Farsi ones are. Enjoy some nice Israeli orange juice, maybe import some Israeli plutonium instead of trying to make it all themselves. If only Iran was a bit more interconnected with the wider world then they too could enjoy all the benefits of a complete collapse of the international banking system.

This is what happens when you put religion in charge. Err... no... I don't mean that, religion is of course a good thing. No, what I mean is, this is what happens when you put the wrong religion in charge. Oh no, I can't say that on the BBC. This is what happens when you don't put a moderate amount of a moderately nice and not too excitable religion in charge - Methodism for example. This is undoubtedly the correct theological position. I just wish the religious leaders in Iran would learn some correct theology.

Christianity has always thought internationally. We want the whole world to believe in our particular version of the Hebrew Invisible Magic Friend. As St. Paul famously said, "Don't let borders or indigenous religions hold you back, get out there and convert the lot of 'em."

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Wouldn't it be nice if young people didn't murder each other with knives? I wonder why they do it? It's really everyone's fault for allowing murdered children and child prostitutes to hang around on every street corner. Children's lives are so cheap and dispensable to all you godless hordes out there.

However, as Rev Nims Obunge, Chief Executive of The Peace Alliance, a national crime reduction charity, and Chair of the Independent Advisory Group, which provides advice and challenge to the London Criminal Justice Board which works to ensure that London’s Police, Crown Prosecution Service, Her Majesty’s Courts Service, Probation Service, Youth Offending Teams and Prison Service, with Victim Support London, work together to co-ordinate activity and share responsibility for delivering a quicker, simpler, safer and supportive criminal justice service (CJS) in London, said this week, not all children are actually murdering each other.

Despite this optimistic note, things now are nearly as bad as in Jesus' time. In Jesus' time everybody hated children. Jesus changed all that. "Be nice to children," said Jesus in his revolutionary way.

As International Director of Micah Challenge, a global organisation that prays and campaigns for poor people, and as a Human Rights Commissioner, defending the rights of all, black or white, Christian or some other religion, straight or straight, and as a council member of His Hollowness St. Tony of Bliars' Faith Foundation, with its modest aims of eliminating poverty, ending war, and bringing all religions together in peace and harmony under St. Tony's benevolent leadership, let me just assure you that the Invisible Magic Friend thinks you should be nice to children.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

La-la la-la la-la la-la
la-la la-la laaa l-la

With this stirring rendition of Beethoven's Ode to Joy, I decided to add a bit of vocal virtuosity, making today's Thought even more enjoyable than normal.

I like music. Lot's of people like music. Music is so important because it's the next best thing to having an Invisible Magic Friend. The perfect sonata form of Mozart, the primitive dynamic rhythm of Stravinsky, the spiritual, sonorous yearning of gangsta rap; these show that music is undoubtedly supernatural in origin. It was given to us by the Invisible Magic Friend to connect us with many happy, joyous, sad or inspiring memories from the past: things that have happened, places we have been, people we have known.

Imagine my shock, my horror, when a teenager pulled out an MP3 player with hundreds of albums on it that he can listen to any time, anywhere, making no connection between tunes and people or places. How depraved can you get? Jesus, who was forever bursting into song and liked nothing better than a good knees-up sing-a-long, rightly denounces MP3 players as evil. The holy 45 rpm single and 33 1/3 rpm LP are the only righteous forms of music reproduction, although the not-quite-so-holy musicassette is permitted in extenuating circumstances for reasons of portability (provided it includes Dolby noise reduction).

Young people nowadays don't do anything properly - the way things were done a long, long time ago, when I was young. They will never know the joy of fondling a new single, of lovingly caressing a new LP and playing it repeatedly until the needle needs changing. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Kaka is being transferred to Real Madrid for £56 million, but of course the money is of no consequence to him, or team owner Silvio Berlusconi.

Now I know what you're thinking: is anyone really worth that amount of money, especially during a recession and with millions of poor people still around? I think Jesus, who was famous for courting the rich and famous, would undoubtedly say yes. After all, Kaka wears a Jesus T-shirt, which just goes to show that all that money is being well spent. His Jesus T-shirt protects him against drugs, alcohol and womanising.

I met some poor children in Rio once. They were laughing and smiling and happily being Christian, in return for not being left on the streets of their shanty town. Even poor people are special. This logically follows, not because they are invested with inherent human rights, but because the Invisible Magic Friend made them. One of the senior Olympic chaplains (I wouldn't waste my time with all those hordes of junior Olympic chaplains) agrees with me, so I must be right.

With this large price tag, much will be expected of the young Kaka. He will be required to run up and down a grass pitch and kick a little white ball between some sticks on a regular basis, there'll be more Jesus T-shirts to wear, and of course lucrative merchandising opportunities for both him and his club. As a Rev. Dr. Dr., let me just assure you that Jesus will be counting the dollars appreciatively.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

President Obama has been saying nice things to Muslims. Isn't that nice? He said "Assalamu Alaikum," which was really nice of him, and he said Al-Azhar University was really nice too. Everything he said was just so warm, and fluffy, and... well... nice. Anyone who doesn't think so is just a nasty, horrible, little cynic - so there.

It's so nice to see him being nice. Politics is usually full of hatred and bigotry, unlike religion, which is universally nice. Religion, and in particular the right religion, was given to us by the Invisible Magic Friend. It's full of nice stories, and prophets saying nice things, like what to do to unbelievers. The Koran is just so beautiful and nice and full of science and wisdom.

But let's not pretend that being nice is all that's needed, or that politics can solve all our problems. As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that angels, invisible magic beings with big flappy wings, have a role to play too. You would know this if you were as scholarly and learned as what I am - that's what comes of a life devoted to the pursuit of knowledge.

And in conclusion, it's time to start being nice to British politicians.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

My nobly Lord,... ... Lord Falcon-(hic!)-er, ish going to pash a bill... ('scuse me)... a bill for ashishted shooside. Thish ish jusht terrible (hic!). It'sh enuff to make you turn to the sherry bottle. Old people'll jusht shtart popping their clogsh all over the plaish. I mean, even the Cafolics are againsht it (hic!). That'sh the good ol' C of E and them bloody Cafolics. I mean jusht how mush more convinshing do ya need? Eh? Eh? I mean what'sh wrong wiv fret'ning to prosh... ...prosh (hic!) ...prosh'cute them whats jusht had to go wiv... their dearly beloved, we are ass... no... that'sh not right. Where was I? I mean there's loads 'a drugsh now. They don't shuffer or an'fing (hic!). I mean God'sh shaid they've jusht got to lie there - what'sh it gotta do wiv 'em when 'ere gonna die? Eh? Eh? Tell me that? Eh? (hic!). They've gotta all jusht die when we tell'em to (hic!). What'sh people like me... profeshnal comforters, gonna do? I'm the bishop of Shoffark, it'sh what I do. Sh'ust not shivilished (hic!).

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Yippee! I'm famous! My first chapter in an academic textbook!!! (You can never have too many exclamation marks on a religious blog!!!!)

Artificial Intelligence Applications for Improved Software Engineering Development: New Prospects

I know you're all just desperate to learn about using Bayesian nets in software project management and cost estimation but do try to control your excitement. This is bound to go right to the top of the bestsellers list, so get in there fast to secure your copy. It's a snip at only $285 each and as a Rev. Dr. I can assure you that the text written by me is infallible. (Any bits that turn out to be wrong were obviously not meant to be taken literally.)

I can just sit back now and wait for all those big fat royalty cheques to come rolling in. Now where did I put my swimming trunks and my snorkel? Oh, b**ger - the editors get all the royalties...

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's been another record low turnout in the European elections. This is a reminder that one of the great privileges of living in a democracy is our ability to not vote. It is a recognition that there's more to life than politics. Politics after all, is only about grubby, materialist things like, jobs and health and education. But what do we do when we're not engaging in politics? What gives us answers to all the questions that politicians can't answer? The answer is, of course, religion. As Jesus famously remarked, "I think my new religion is really brilliant and certainly much more important than voting in the European elections. I'm God, Follow ME!!!"

Yes, the 57% of voters who had more important things to do, were just all too busy being religious. There was all that praying to do, then there's going to church and singing hymns, and listening to sermons, and saying "Amen". I don't think many people realise that being holy doesn't just miraculously happen, it takes a lot of work to be this holy. Holy people, like us, know all about things like love and goodness and how to deal with death, whereas people who spend all their time just voting, don't. We simply don't have time to bother about things like, should the fascists be given more power in Europe, or should separatist parties take control?

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