Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The film My sister's Keeper is being released. This tells of a poor little girl, created in a test tube by evil doctors and scientists, to act as a bag of throw away body parts for her dying elder sibling. Of course, some people give their organs voluntarily to help others. I applaud such noble self sacrifice, even though everyone else on the planet condemns them as selfish swine. Evil atheist scientists and doctors can't understand altruism. For them, our selfish genes always make us selfish. And when I say "selfish genes", we all know who I'm on about don't we? Eh? Eh? So why do these fine (possibly religious - although that's irrelevant so just forget I said it) why do these people risk their own lives to help others? Can't answer that Mr. sneering, know it all, atheist scientist can you? As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that I have a perfect understanding of genetics and evolution and it just stinks, and since I'm a Rev. Dr. and you're not, you get no right of reply and just have to put up with me ranting on about it. Man is the only creature in nature that understands goodness and that's because St. Paul told us all about it.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Openness and transparency are the order of the day in public life. We seem to get suspicious when things are done in secret. Anyone would think our MPs were frittering away public money on frivolous extravagances, like houses for their ducks, or cleaning their moat. This is what comes of MPs meditating too much on their own little world.

I too have been meditating much lately, on my biography of the Buddha (who else is there to write about?). All the previous biographies of the Buddha in the last two and a half thousand years were rubbish. You should wait for mine which will be available soon from all good bookshops. This contemplative work has been interrupted however by the arrival of my first son, Leo Vishvapani. Normally I would recommend more meditation in these circumstances, as I did here, and here, and here. Unfortunately, the demands of young Leo are such as to stretch even the all encompassing powers of meditation. I find meditating on Leo's nappies to be peculiarly ineffective in getting them changed. Similarly, meditating upon his screams in the middle of the night have not, so far, resulted in a decent night's sleep.

I am therefore prepared to concede, that in at least two cases, searching inwards on one's path to spiritual enlightenment may not be the best course of action. When it comes to investigating MPs expenses and changing nappies, self absorption and burning incense appear to have limited value.

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Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

I had Morgan Z-van... Morgan Sh-zam... the Prime Minishter of Shimbabwe in my cathedral lasht week (hic!). He wash shaying how everyfing's jusht hunky dory there now and could we have shum more sherry (hic!)... no... money please. He shaid Shimbablionians should all go home.

S'cuse me while I jusht adjust myself and sh*t upright. Now, where was I?

When the people of Judah return... (hic!) Judah... (hic!) Biblonian exile (hic!) they wash all angry 'nd confused too. They threw all the cuddly toysh out of their chariotsh. Y'see, Zimblabionian exiles in Britain... they like it here. They don't wanna go home 'n build Zimblably. Sho I told 'em, you jusht show shum reshpect fur the Prime Minshter here. That shut 'em up. I'm the Bishop of Suffurk, it's what I do (hic!).

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Excuse me, while I get my script out of the toaster and take this lampshade off my head. I'm nearly eighty you know! Now, how do we do this again? Ah, yes, I remember, list some topical woes and disasters, there are always plenty to choose from; remind everyone that there's always someone worse off than yourself, that usually cheers them up; mention something snug and reassuring like hot chocolate and your duvet; toss in a few reminiscences from wise old sages from my youth and round it all off with a conversation with the Invisible Magic Friend.

"How are you today Invisible Magic Friend?"
I'M ETERNALLY AND INCORPOREALLY VERY WELL THANK YOU. HOW'S YOU'RE HOT CHOCOLATE?
"A little lumpy, but as great aunt Mabel always said, you can always smooth the chocolate lumps against the side of your mug with a teaspoon and then give it a good stir."
SHE WAS VERY WISE, GREAT AUNT MABEL.
"Indeed she was Invisible Magic Friend. Well I must be going now, it's just after breakfast and past my bed time. I'm nearly eighty you know?"
YES, I KNOW.
"Well, good night then."
GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT, DON'T LET THE BUGS BITE.

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Once again, the civil rights of we Christians are trampled into the dirt. The militant, jack booted liberals of Islington Council are demanding that I be tolerant, open minded and discharge my duties as a registrar without favour or bias. Well I won't have it. I wont! It's my right, as a Christian, to be as bigoted as I want. Just who do Islington council think they are, telling me that I can't withhold council services from people that I don't like? It's my religion and that means I can do whatever the hell I like to anybody.

I've been marrying people, including divorcees, outside church for years. These secular services have been my life, but my Invisible Magic Friend has personally made it quite clear to me, quite clear, that registry office civil partnerships are a breach of His holy sacrament of marriage. Don't blame me for this, it's all my Invisible Magic Friend's fault. He made homosexuals so that we could discriminate against them. That's what they're for. Doctors can refuse to perform abortions, why am I not allowed to refuse to perform this abortion of a ceremony?

They've even forced me to work as a receptionist. I feel so humiliated. Receptionists are such lower forms of life. It really is beneath my dignity. How would you like to be forced to prostitute yourself in that way? A receptionist! Ugh, I feel so... so dirty.

I have nothing against homosexual people. Everyone agrees that I'm very broad minded. I just don't think they should be given equal rights in law to create a safe and financially secure home. And I certainly don't think decent, respectable, god fearing public servants, such as myself, should be forced to help people against their conscience. Please, please help me everyone. Can't you see how I'm being singled out and victimised by this intolerant and brutal bunch of fascists? All I'm asking is that things be done my way!

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Welcome to Rob Marshall's sporting interlude. You would have thought that after my popular reflections on football, rugby, the olympics and the grand national, that the sporting metaphor was wearing a bit thin. Not a bit of it, I could go on, and on, and on, and on about sport. People never tire of it. Today it's back to football. North Korea have just secured their place in the 2010 world cup. Isn't that fantastic! I knew you'd be as pleased and excited as I am.

What, I hear you ask does this superb news have to do with my Invisible Magic Friend? What possible tenuous connection could North Korea's qualification have with the wonderful wizarding world of woo-woo? Attend and be educated. North Korea, an evil atheist dictatorship that we just love to mention hear on Thought For The Day, doesn't give it's footballers freedom, like we do, here in the West. Here, footballers are free to earn vast amounts of money, although I disapprove of players being free to earn vast amounts of money. They should be restricted from earning vast amounts of money by the government like they do in North... oh well never mind.

Human beings believe they have the right to think they are capable of having the opportunity to make free choices. This is a belief in something intangible, in this case an abstraction. Belief in the intangible is therefore a good thing. It follows that belief in my Intangible Magic Friend, who may not be an abstraction but that doesn't matter, is also a good thing. As Saint Augustine the hippo wisely pointed out, if you believe hard enough in something, it always comes true, just click your heels three times. Click! Click! Click! It's true, Intangible Magic Friend who isn't an abstraction, you really do exist! The North Korean football squad will be so glad.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Sunday is Father's Day. What would life be like without fathers? The Invisible Magic Friend chose Abraham to be father to half the planet. He wasn't bothered about who fathered the other half 'cos they worship the wrong Invisible Magic Friend. Coincidentally Abraham means "great father", which just goes to show how good the Invisible Magic Friend was at picking fathers and doesn't at all mean that it's just made up.

There just isn't enough fatherliness about these days ("fatherliness" being so well defined that there is no need for me to define it). Fathers may spend eight times the amount of time with their children that they did in the 70s, but that just proves my point about fathers not bothering to be fatherly any more. Real fathers, proper fathers, never show up and never answer any of your questions. I used to ask my dad, why is the sky blue, why are we all here, why does Sir Fred Goodwin get £300K+ a year for bankrupting a once profitable bank? Wisely my father looked at me and said, "Son, I haven't a clue, but one day you will be Chief Rabbit and you will know everything." And he was right, I am Chief Rabbit and I do know everything, so well done dad!

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Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The Herschel space observatory has opened its eyes. I discussed this with a friend of mine. We did our Ph.D.s together on star formation. He was satisfied with only one Ph.D., but I went on to get another Ph.D. in the even more exciting area of theology. Some people say there is a conflict between science and religion, just because one presupposes a natural explanation for everything and uses evidence to establish truth, and the other presupposes a magic world of woo-woo where anything can happen and is true because I say so. Anyone would think this was some sort of methodological contradiction. Look at me, I'm a Rev. Dr. Dr. and I'm not in the least bit confused!

Everyone goes on about Galileo, but in fact the Church was a big fan of Galileo and never threatened him with torture, confined him to house arrest or forced him to recant that the earth orbited the sun. I mean, if that had really happened then it would starkly illustrate the opposing methods of empiricism versus revelation enforced by authority and would completely undermined my argument. So thank the Invisible Magic Friend in the land of woo-woo that never happened.

It's all so BIG and magnificent and wonderful! My god, it's full of stars!! It makes you wonder, is there really an Invisible Magic Friend? The answer is of course, yes, and I'm a Rev. Dr. Dr., I ought to know. As the psalmist says The heavens declare the glory of the Invisible Magic Friend, so I must be right. I mean, how much more evidence do you need than that?

What many of these atheist known-it-alls (many of whom only have one Ph.D.) seem to forget is that lots of scientists have had an Invisible Magic Friend. William Herschel, a very famous astronomer indeed, even said "The undevout astronomer must be mad". Now of course, I wouldn't say anything like that. Perish the thought. In fact I can't imagine why I mentioned the quote, but do you think you're cleverer than William Herschel, or me, who's a Rev. Dr. Dr.? So you really ought to take our word for it that the Invisible Magic friend exists and there's a whole world of magic woo-woo out there.

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air...

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Who knows what happened in the Iranian elections? Who knows what the outcome of the current civil unrest will be? Comparisons are obviously being made to the revolution of 20 years ago, when an outdated, secular (spit) monarchy was overthrown and a wonderful, modern Islamic paradise was introduced. Except not everyone appears to be happy with this modern Islamic paradise. Iranians care enough about Mahmoud Ahmadinnerjacket to both vote for him and riot over the results.



Compare that with our own recent low turnout for the 785 Euro MPs, whose names roll off the lips so easily. Hardly anyone seemed to care about the great European Parliament that does whatever it does so splendidly, both in Strasbourg and in Brussels. Not a single riot, not one - it's just pathetic. As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that Muslim democracies know how to do elections properly. That's because they care about the Invisible Magic Friend. They care about what the Invisible Magic Friend says is right and wrong. (I'm not going to go into specifics about which things are wrong and how they should be punished - you'll find out when we have our own Islamic paradise.)

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Did you know, no lishen, thish ish really good, you'll like thish. (hic!) Did you know, the splash... splash... splasheebo effect hash an evil twin? Eh? I bet you didn't (hic!) know that, eh? 'Sh called the noshedo... n't effect. (hic!) She all the intesting fings I know? I'm the Bishop of So'thuck, shwat I do! (hic!) Anyway, sis noshedo... n't effect wash all over Afcra. Then Chrishianity came and shaid "At's all a load a shupershitous (hic!) shupershishtous nonshensh, you don't wanna go believing all that baloney. You want'sh a proper religion, like Chrishtiamably, (hic!) that'sh what you want." And ye nowhat? All 'em Afcrans, they thought (hic!) thought t'them selves, "Yeah, dis Chrishtiamably's mush more rashnil 'nd lozhcal th'n all that shilly shtuff w'used t'believe." (hic!) And that'sh the totally shientifc eshplanashon how Afcra went Chrishtion.

Cheers! (hic!)

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