Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 16 July, 2007, 07:01 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous at all).

It's the anniversary of the Apollo moonshot today. Now they're talking about going to Mars! What a waste of time. OK scientists have done a couple of good things by exploring interesting facts, but now it's time to stop all this scientific lunacy and force clever people to relieve poverty instead. Perhaps they could do something useful, like work in rice fields. Reverend doctors should be exempted from this, as they will be required to take charge, and worry about the important and complex theological implications of intelligent life on other worlds. Did God become incarnate as the son a green jellyfish for example?

Of course we'll never know the answer. Scientists might want to go around asking questions about nature and discovering things, but we'll will soon put a stop to that! We should stay here on Earth and have more religion - that should stop everyone wanting to kill one another.

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Reverend Dr. Giles Fraser, Vicar of Putney 
Saturday, 14 July, 2007, 10:38 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all).

School history is dumping Hitler and Churchill. And a good thing too. By concentrating on what was clearly a just war, against the evils of fascist Germany, we have made war seem glamorous. Anyone who wants to justify a war these days only has to label opponents as appeasers to have them compared to Neville Chamberlain, with his unwillingness to stand up to Hitler.

Children need to be reminded that war is hell. The futility of World War I is perhaps a better lesson for future generations than the sacrifices of the second.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley, Dean of a Women's Ministry in Central London 
Friday, 13 July, 2007, 08:15 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Sir Ara Darzi wants the NHS to shift away from giant hospitals, to smaller more specialised units. I've got an even better idea: a Jesus in every hospital. With Jesus' proven ability to heal the sick, and even raise the dead, a Jesus in every hospital is a sure fire way of reducing waiting lists. Jesus sees all and knows all, so provided people can shout loud enough or get close enough for Jesus to see how much they're suffering, Jesus is bound to cure them. So if you're in chronic pain, or severely disabled, all you have to do is fight your way through the crowd and get to see Jesus. It's a much fairer way of distributing health care, don't you think. Thank God for Jesus!

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Oliver McTernan, 
Thursday, 12 July, 2007, 07:16 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

Hello, Oliver McTernan here (in Paris), director of the charity Forward Thinking, where we seek to address the growing social isolation of the diverse Muslim communities in Britain .

We've just witnessed the terrible assault on the sacred marble and holy plaster, of the revered building, the Red Mosque in Islamabad. Just because some radical muslims wanted to impose Islamic law on everyone, and kidnapped or firebombed the occasional video rental proprietor, the Pakistan army used force to attack the mosque. The radicals were, of course, practising the wrong version of Islam. The correct version of Islam states that there is "no compulsion in religion", an instruction which we know is upheld in every Islamic country on a daily basis.

There are many secular extremists who want to forcibly ban religion, to kidnap and firebomb believers, to ban and burn books, to kill those with different beliefs. We see them all the time, all over Europe and America. So let's not pretend that this is a religious problem. It is not religious fanaticism, or the injunction to murder non-believers, that has caused these little difficulties in Palestine, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Kashmir, southern Thailand, Indonesia, Saudia Arabia, Bosnia. Just look at Northern Ireland, which is now a shining example to the world of religious toleration.

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Breathtakingly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool 
Wednesday, 11 July, 2007, 07:44 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

To the shock of many, the Tories have come out in favour of marriage. Doubtless some media hack will find some rare example of a well adjusted, succesful child of unmarried parents, but I think we can ignore them. We've got to stand up to all these crazy anti-marriage campaigners who seem to run everything these days.

Politicians don't want to be seen to be preaching to people - to be telling them how to run their lives. That's my job. You're all weak, feckless, immoral, sinners who are as guilty as Adam was of unauthorised apple eating.

Meanwhile our children grow up bored and without love. Won't someone please think of the children.

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Akhandadhi Das, Hindu Teacher and Theologian 
Tuesday, 10 July, 2007, 08:48 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Shambo the bull, has been sentenced to death by the evil British government. It would, of course, be quite wrong of me to use my priviliged position here on an uncritical slot on the BBC's flagship news programme to indulge in special pleading for Shambo. So I'll simply say that it's barbaric, immoral and downright evil. Don't these petty bureacrats realise that cows and bulls are sacred animals? They seem to care about nothing except preventing the spread of disease among cattle and from cattle to humans. After all, we don't put down our favourite pets just because they're contagious, do we? OK we do, but then they're not sacred are they? We Hindus regard all life as sacred. That's why we don't want to see any diseased animals put down, ever, but especially not cuddly ones or ones that are sacred.

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Reverend Dr. Colin Morris, former head of religious broadcasting and BBC controller in Northern Ireland 
Monday, 9 July, 2007, 07:06 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Christianity invented sports like cricket, and being fed to the lions. Even the sports that Christianity didn't invent, were invented by inferior religions. The Olympics were invented by Zeus (who of course does not exist - only silly people still believe in him instead of a proper god like Yahweh). More than anything else, Christianity invented being second, because Christianity is the religion for losers. As a Reverend Doctor, let me just tell you not to bother looking for clever people, or winners in amongst Christians. We're losers, every single one of us, but then we get to go to heaven and you don't, so NA, NA, NA-NA, NA.

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Brian Draper 
Sunday, 8 July, 2007, 07:45 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

It's the day of the Live Earth concerts. Yes, to promote the message of eco-friendliness, dozens of pop stars will appear in massive, floodlit arenas. Hundreds of thousands will come by plane, car, bus and train to tell the world to stop frittering away our precious fossil fuels. Of course, the bible got their first. Leviticus and Deutoronomy don't just tell you what to eat and how to have sex. They tell you all about how to save the planet too. They're just full of it. Remember, Jesus says, "You'll burn in hell if you don't use low energy light bulbs."

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Reverend Dr. Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney 
Friday, 6 July, 2007, 07:04 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).

It's unnatural, you'll be execommunicated. Everyone condemns it: the Old Testament, the New Testament, Aristotle, Thomas Aquinas and every pope until the end of the 19th century (when he infallibly changed his mind and set up the Vatican Bank instead). I mean of course: usury - charging interest on loans. Now that we live in more enlightened times, we no longer need Jews to run our banks. As a Reverend Doctor, I can tell you that we now have the Holy Money Markets. Biblical Bonds, Faith Futures and Divine Derivatives are now recognised as the true source of wealth creation.

So hark the herald,
angels advising,
Christ and interest rates are rising.

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Dom Antony Sutch, Benedictine Monk 
Thursday, 5 July, 2007, 07:41 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Christ trusted his disciples, right up 'till one of them betrayed him. "No problem," said Jesus. "I forgive you." Then one of them denied him. "That's OK," said Jesus. "Here, have the keys to the kingdom of heaven. You can be pope." Then, as he hung in agony on the cross and everyone ran away and deserted him, he shouted "I'm God you know. I'll be back." And when he came back he forgave them again and made them all Apostles (except Mary Magdelene, who was a woman and so obviously couldn't be made an Apostle).

The moral of all this is that all we good Christians must forgive Gordon Brown. OK, he kept announcing more government spending that was actually the same government spending; he kept increasing government borrowing, but kept it off the books by calling it the Private Finance Initiative; he kept announcing tax cuts while actually increasing taxes. Christianity tells us that we must keep forgiving and keep placing our trust in Gordon Brown.

That's what Christianity means: being monumentally stupid.

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