Brian Draper 
Thursday, 26 July, 2007, 08:33 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (a little platitudinous)

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

Oh dear, the Tour de France has gone all druggy again. Meanwhile, advertisers are lying to us and even TV phone in quizes can't be trusted. It seems you just can't trust anyone these days. Jesus says to be as wise as a snake but as innocent as a dove (Matthew 10:16). So try not to be too cynical.

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Outstandingly Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Wednesday, 25 July, 2007, 08:14 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't all this flooding (hic!) terrible. Still that bride and bridegroom managed to get to their (hic!) wedding only half an hour late. After fears that the organist and the vicar wouldn't make it, they arrived to find two (hic!) vicars and three (hic!) organists waiting.

That's the Dunkirk spirit for you, everyone mucking in: soldiers, firemen, and most important of all, (hic!) the church. Yes, it's during times like this, times of national crises, that the church actually finds itself (hic!) useful. We open our unflooded doors and given everyone a nice cup of tea, before rushing (hic!) off in packs to find a wedding to save from disaster.

God mercifully chose not to flood Tewkesbury Abbey. Just like the ancient biblical flood (hic!), which is a (hic!) metaphor and didn't really happen, God provides us an Ark where we can shelter from His (hic!) wrath. So forget about all the hard work and struggles that millions of people have gone through over the last few (hic!) weeks. Be afraid and given praise to the great incvisible magic thing instead (hic!).

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Mona Siddiqui 
Tuesday, 24 July, 2007, 08:49 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Millions of Britons sport fake goods. The Koran says this is a sin. You should always buy real designer goods like Louis Vuitton bags. They don't use substandard materials and will last for years, long after they're fashionable and anyone wants one. It's not just about image. Poor quality work is made by poor people. The real thing is always made by genuine, EU or US factories, not by some third world sweatshop. It is my duty, as God's representative, to tell you that God is not happy when you buy fake designer goods. The genuine Mona Siddiqui range of high quality perfumes will be available shortly.

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Cannon David Winter 
Monday, 23 July, 2007, 08:24 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Everywhere's getting flooded. And it's not restricted to "oop north" either - even nice places in the south are being flooded. Hot summers and wet summers are both down to global warming according to the scientists. Well, despite all your meteorology, and your engineering, and your science, we're still playthings of the gods when it comes to the elements. Why don't you all just give up trying to understand or control nature. The bible explains this when it tells us that the world is operated by the whims of invisible magic beings. So be afraid. Get on your knees and stop trying to do anything about it.

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The NOW Show 
Saturday, 21 July, 2007, 01:09 PM
This week's NOW show has a superb dig at all three abrahamic religions. It's available here for the next few days.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/nowshow.shtml

Fast forward about 18 mins to get to Marcus Brigstocke's stand up routine. It really is hilarious.

I've also saved it as an mp3 file, although I may be asked to remove this by the BBC.

http://www.platitudes.org.uk/now_show.mp3 (7 MBbytes)
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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 21 July, 2007, 08:13 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Hurrah! The final Harry Potter book is here. More and more people are reading books these days, and with books comes wisdom. I'm sure even the slowest of you can see where I'm going with this one - yes the bible is a book, and if you read it you'll get lots of wisdom. The bible is full of it. Other religions have holy books too, but they're not as good. Nothing even comes close for sheer sacredness. The nice thing about the bible is that it never changes, so religion can never be modernised, or updated. We get to keep bronze age morality for ever. Isn't that great!

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Abdal Hakim Murad - Muslim chaplain University Cambridge 
Friday, 20 July, 2007, 08:52 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Relations with Russia have reached a new low, after the murder of Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko converted to Islam on his deathbed, thereby becoming a good, worthy, admirable person. I think it's important to point out that he still had a Jewish friend though.

He may have been murdered in a particularly cruel, slow and painful way, by an increasingly dictatorial Kremlin, but let us not forget what is really important here: Russia now believes in God. Russia was not an Evil Empire because it was a communist, totalitarian regime who suppressed freedom of speech and crushed opposition with a ruthless secret police. It was because it did not believe in God that made it so evil. Now that Mr. Putin, the former head of that secret police, believes in God, I think we can conclude that he's basically a very nice guy.

So let's not get too upset with Russia. OK, they may endanger the odd city with radioactive polonium, or kill anyone who speaks out against the regime, or beat up anyone who tries to be a homosexual, but Russia is now free - free to worship the muslim prophet, Jesus.

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Oliver McTernan 
Thursday, 19 July, 2007, 08:48 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous, but enormously patronising)

Hello, Oliver McTernan here, director of the charity Forward Thinking, where we seek to address the growing social isolation of the diverse Muslim communities in Britain.

Britain is a divided nation. There are wealthy people and there are poor people. It never used to be like that. Nowadays, all the poor people are muslim. That's because, you're all a bunch of islamaphobic bigots who won't give anyone called Mohammed a job. I've spoken to many highly intelligent, gifted, well qualified muslims who are forced to do menial jobs normally reserved for less important people. There is a veritable army of unemployed muslim barristers out there, and this in a country which is constantly decrying the shortage of barristers.

Despite their enormous usefulness, barristers are often poorly paid. The bible, which all through the Old Testament tells us to be good to foreigners and people of other faiths, says you should all go out and employ a muslim barrister.

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Professor Mona Siddiqui 
Wednesday, 18 July, 2007, 09:17 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous - although its difficult to tell what she's on about).

Sir Liam Donaldson wants everyone to donate organs when they die. Now of course this is a very fine, and moral, and good thing. But some people (not me) say that this devalues life, that it treats the human body as a commodity. These people, who are not as liberal and open minded as what I am, think it's better to let usable organs rot in the ground or get burned in an oven. One of the nice bits in the Koran says you should be an organ donor, so I think that settles it, but just remember that dead bodies are people too, and they have their rights, so you can't just go hacking bits out of them to give to people who could be helped by them (some un-named people - not me - say).

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Rhidian Brook 
Tuesday, 17 July, 2007, 08:00 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all).

Retailers have been accused of ignoring workers rights in some of their foreign manufacturing plants. When some friends of mine recently visited Britain from Africa for the first time, they produced three hand made baskets and asked where they could find a market to sell them. They don't have "bring and buy" sales in Cambridge, so a neighbour bought them instead.

Nowadays we've lost our connection with the producers of goods, making it easy for the market to exploit the poor. But out of sight does not mean out of mind. In our desire for ever cheaper goods, we are complicit in this exploitation of foregin workers. Why not reconnect with the people who make our goods. Get the supermarkets to put something on the goods we buy, like a photo of the factory where it was made, or how much the workers are paid. Then we can decide on more than just price when choosing our clothes.

The prophet Jeremiah says to only buy fair trade clothes.

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