Rev. Dr. Colin Morris 
Monday, 2 July, 2007, 08:06 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

As a Reverend Doctor, let me assure you that democracy is a logical extension of the New Testament. Jesus said, "Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, they shall vote." Consequently, the church has always been a big fan of democracy, as only a short glance at church history will confirm.

Democracy means we're all to blame for everything the government does. So when we returned Rt. Rev. Tony Blair to power in 2005, with a massive 35% of the popular vote, we were signalling our assent for the Iraq war. Rev. Blair and his cabinet honestly thought there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Just because there have been numerous confirmations that he and Bush had agreed to regime change in advance, is no reason to doubt the holy man's word, and anyone can make a mistake.

In the light of this, the recent attempted attacks in Glasgow and London seem perfectly reasonable. After all, we're all to blame for the war and the continuing chaos in the Middle East.

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Canon David Winter 
Saturday, 30 June, 2007, 09:01 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).

He is now just ordinary Mr. Blair. No longer the Right Reverend Tony Blair, no longer the apostolic representative in Downing Street, Mr. Blair was forced to suffer the indignity of carrying his own bags onto the train home. Yet this great man, who's humanity has charmed us all, may be destined for still greater things. For Tony Blair is about to turn his formidable talents to the Arab-Israeli problem. I hasten to add that this is a problem which has nothing to do with religion. Oh no, not at all. It is a total coincidence that everyone on one side is Jewish and everyone on the other is muslim. Forgetting all about their invisible magic friends would not help things at all.

I know there are those who think Tony is not the right man to act as Middle East mediator. Some say his slavish devotion to US foreign policy and his failure to criticise the Israeli invasion of Lebanon make him just a tad biased. But just because he started a war that killed over 1/2 million innocent Iraqis and has left that nation devastated and unstable, doesn't mean he is not a man of peace. Men who have been devoted to peace all their lives, such as Rev. Ian Paisley and Martin McGuiness, are known to be great admirers of the former Rt. Rev. Blair. So let us give Tony a chance. I am sure his great talent for listening, his charm, and his sheer holiness, will once again bring peace.

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Reverend Dr. Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney 
Friday, 29 June, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Politicians all over Westminster want to change things. They're obsessed by trying to build a fairer, wealthier, more just society. Phew, what a bunch of loonies! That's religion's job. Let's do this properly. You're all a bunch of miserable sinners and you've got to repent. It's only when you start packing into churches (or mosques or synagogues if you must) that we're going to get a better society. That's what'll make people give up smoking, not some silly law from a democratically elected goverment. As a Reverend Doctor, let me just tell you, things'll only get better when you all do what I tell you to.

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Stupendously Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool  
Thursday, 28 June, 2007, 08:03 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

For a few moments yesterday, the queen found herself prime-ministerless. This has nothing to do with the terrible floods in Yorkshire, so I'll link the two by mentioning that the earth didn't quake. Floods are an Act of God, which means he didn't do it, so it must be the government's fault. God gave us dominion over the earth, but only so long as we worship him properly. All these floods are because you're not going to church enough and begging the invisible magic friend not to destroy our property and drown our loved ones. This is why the Holy Ghost is so holy. If you grovel enough, He'll maybe decide not to fill your house with mud and effluent*. So if you want a nice summer, you just make sure that Gordon Brown's new government is a properly holy one.

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*[Ed.] And if that doesn't count as blaspheming against the Holy Spirit then I don't know what does.
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Dom Antony Sutch, Benedictine Monk 
Wednesday, 27 June, 2007, 08:01 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Today, Gordon Brown becomes Prime Minister and takes responsibility for the entire nation. He is doing what St. Paul told him to do: to take responsibility, just as we must take responsibility for things around us. Thank goodness for St. Paul, otherwise no one would be taking responsibility for anything. Our monastery's leader (called an "ab-bot") has to follow the rules of St. Benedict, and so should Gordon Brown. A nice tonsure would seem appropriate for all members of the cabinet, with maybe a wimple for the ladies. The PM should follow Christ's lead and wash everbody's feet. I myself could do with a nice foot massage after a long day's monking, and the PM would be quite welcome to pop arround to do the job.

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Elaine Storkey, former Executive Director of the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity 
Tuesday, 26 June, 2007, 08:04 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

It's Wimbledon and it's raining! But never mind, tennis players, like the rest of us, will just have to muddle through as best they can. Jesus, of course, was the best tennis player there ever was, followed quickly by St. Paul. Who can ever forget their AD 33, men's singles final? So whether you're ploughing through exams, or looking after a disabled relative, or mopping up after the devasting floods that have destroyed your home, your memories and your possessions, just remember that life in the next life will be so much better than this one. So stop moaning and just accept your fate.

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Clifford Longley, religious commentator 
Monday, 25 June, 2007, 07:41 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

The Rt. Rev. Tony Blair, shortly to become his popiness' most celebrated convert, has given Pope Benedict some pictures of Cardinal Newman. Newman was an Anglican priest and a scholarly expert on the invisible magic friend. He eventually switched from the Anglican church, (a montheistic, patriarchal, hierarchical, church) to Roman Catholicism (a montheistic, patriarchal, hierarchical, church). Such was the momentous nature of this conversion that it sent shock waves through Christendom and pope Leo XIII said: "Hey John, you can be a cardinal" and he went on to become a Catholic scholarly expert on the invisible magic friend.

He influenced the second Vatican council, which dragged the Catholic church into the 18th century. Its reforms were so great that every pope since has been trying to undo its effects.

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Akhandadhi Das, Hindu teacher & theologian 
Sunday, 24 June, 2007, 05:44 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

170,000 people are getting covered in mud and kisses at Glastonbury. I remember the good old days when I went with other young idealistic, hindu monks. Of course, we didn't go there for sex, or music, or to have a good time. No, we were much better than that. We went there to demonstrate that there was a higher plane, a more spiritual plane. We gave out vegetarian meals and preached Hari Krishna so that all of these ordinary people could improve themselves, perhaps even reaching our level of consciousness.

Of course, I don't do that any more. I'm far too busy using my elevated consciousness to run the large business that my religion has become.

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Sir Jonathon Sacks, Chief Rabbi 
Friday, 22 June, 2007, 08:06 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Gordon Brown thinks schools are a good idea. He wants more city academies. But schools aren't just about getting corporate sponsorship from McDonalds, Tescos and second hand car salesmen. No, schools are about religion. We must have more religion in schools. That's what Deutoronomy teaches us: love your invisible magic friend and make sure the next generation does too. Imagine how terrible it would be if they grew up without an invisible magic friend. Education is the most important thing in the world. Unlike wealth or power, sharing it does not diminish it. Our children deserve an invisible magic friend. That's why it's really important that churches, mosques and synagogues get right in there and get their piece of the action.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley, Dean of a Women's Ministry in Central London  
Thursday, 21 June, 2007, 08:06 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).

Kids don't just drive you crazy any more, what with their hoodies and their ASBOs. They actually are crazy. Well, about 20% of them are anyway. It's because they're all under such pressure to be cleverer than we were, or because they're all drugged up to the eyeballs. I want to suggest an alternative for children. Jesus says we should be nice to children. Children are the future. Got that? Now I know this is all very novel to all of you who've never heard what Jesus said, so I want you all to stop beating up your children straight away. Understand?

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