Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

War is a messy business. No, honestly it is! People get killed. When we see the grieving families of dead service personnel, we immediately think of Mary, the mother of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. Even at a time when we should pause to salute the bravery of those who have given their lives, or deplore the waste of those who have died so young, or question the wisdom of a protracted campaign in a region that is notoriously difficult to control, the important thing is to be distracted by religion, the right religion, my religion. And there's been some fantastic paintings of Mary.

As a Reverend Canon Doctor and an Anglican Priest, let me just assure you that it's all in a good cause. That Taliban lot are a bunch of religious nutters. They think their Invisible Magic Friend has told them how to live their lives and because their Invisible Magic Friend is all good, all knowing and all powerful, everyone has to live their lives the way they tell them to. I mean, you can't get much more loopy than that, can you? That's what happens when people with dangerous delusions are given exclusive privileges and legitimised by the state. It's not even the right religion. My Invisible Magic Friend assures me that their Invisible Magic Friend is just a figment of their imagination and they should stop paying any attention to him.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The July 2009 General Synod assemblies has concerned itself with the vital spiritual welfare of the nation. With the guidance of the Holy Spirit we have debated a wide variety of topics relating to the Christian faith. Examples include the following.

1. How to spend large amounts of money.

2. More spending money

3. Spending money on lawyers.

4. Who can spend money and how much.

5. How much money we can get for church services.

In view of the ever declining Church attendance in this increasingly godless society, the question arises as to how we're going to get all this money. It has been suggested that with fewer and fewer actual worshippers, perhaps the number of bishops might be reduced in proportion. This is of course impossible. The crucial and indispensable work of bishopping has never been more needed, nor the workload so great. If we reduce the number of senior clergy, who, it must be asked, is going to decide how to spend all that money?

With this in mind, it behoves all Anglican clergy to remind their flocks of the joy of giving. The great spiritual fulfilment that one receives in return for unbounded generosity brings a small taste of heaven in this mean and selfish secular world. This is not the first time we have appealed to the charitable nature of our Christian brethren. We did so in 1978 (A Resourceful Church), in 1980 (A Giving Church?), in 1982 (A Responding Church), in 1985 (A Sharing Church), in 1988 (Giving in Faith), in 1994 (Of your own…), in 1995 (Working as One Body), and in 2000 (First to the Lord). By God's grace and the blessing of a rising stock market, together with an appreciating property portfolio, we have not appealed for more money once since 2000. Now, finally, the Good Lord has given our congregations the opportunity to share with their hard-working clergy. Remember, it is at times such as these, when hardship and economic recession are at their worst, that bountiful giving enjoys the most abundant reward in the hereafter. So give, give, give! Give 'till it hurts!

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Brian here, an associate lecturer at the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity where we envision and equip Christians, and the leaders, churches and organisations that serve them, with the biblical framework, practical resources and models to engage biblically, relevantly and vigorously with the issues they face in today’s world. Hi.

The Public Administration Select Committee is looking into words. Coincidentally, I'm going to use "words" to tell you all about the Invisible Magic Friend. Words are so important. Words like "incentivise" and "paradigm" and "stakeholder". That's why, when speaking about the Invisible Magic Friend we never use clichés or platitudes and we absolutely never speak in nebulous riddles. You won't find Christian organisations like the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity rattling off glib, corporate sounding mission statements.

Some Christian bloke said using clichés was blasphemous and I agree. That's why I always use well defined terms with precise, unambiguous meanings. I like to visit prisoners, they're what you might call a captive audience. I was explaining to one of them the other day all about the Invisible Magic Friend and why I believed Jesus was the visible bit of him. Unfortunately, the prisoner was too stupid to appreciate my rigorous arguments backed by mountains of empirical evidence.

It was precisely in this tradition of Christian clarity and lucidity, that Saint John penned the famous words, "And the word became flesh and lived among us," but I think that's a rubbish expression and would like to rephrase it in a more cool, hip and groovy phrase of my own: "The Word became flesh and blood and moved into the neighbourhood."

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Michael Jackson was a child once, which brings me neatly onto the subject of the sexualisation of children. Thank goodness the Catholic Church doesn't have any hang ups and isn't obsessed about sex. That's what enables us to explain to Catholic children just how dirty sex is. They, at least, will grow up fearful, ashamed and guilty about sex, unlike all those atheist and protestant slags. Saint Paul, an acknowledged expert on sex, says "When I was a boy, I behaved like a boy, but when I became a man I learned not to put my winkle anywhere that's suspiciously soft, warm and well lubricated. That's why I'm so holy."

Now the government's encouraging young people to stay at home and go to university. This is terrible. They should be leaving home as soon as they're old enough to have sex. They should get married and start producing babies immediately. It's disgusting, I know, but how else are we going to solve the world baby shortage? Besides you can always go to confession afterwards for giving in to lust, that should help with the guilt until the next time you're forced to make babies.

Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, says only the child-like will get into woo-woo-land. Saint Paul says to stop being so childish. This is where the logical flexibility of religion becomes so useful. Only believers in the IMF can perform sufficient mental gymnastics to reconcile these two apparently contradictory positions.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Yesterday, John Humphrys dared to question the suitability of plasma video screens in St. Paul's Cathedral. Just who exactly does he think he is? We're the Church of England, established by statute, headed by Her Majesty the Queen. We don't take our advice from sniffy BBC presenters. The artiste, Bill Viola, specialises in work that slows life down, and Humphrys even had the effrontery to tell him to hurry up!

Well Mr. Snooty Humphrys, this slot in the programme is run by the BBC's Holy Department of Religion and More Religion, you don't get to say who is on it or what they talk about. More importantly, since it's a religious slot, you don't get to ask questions. I think this new attraction at St. Paul's deserves a bit more publicity. As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that this splendid art work that Mr. Viola hasn't created yet, will do nothing but enhance the ambiance of Christopher Wren's master work. It's one more great attraction in a Cathedral just full of things to do and things to see. It will blow your mind and revolutionise the way you see the world and it's available exclusively at St. Pauls. So why not come along and bring the whole family with you. Take a break from all that vulgar commercialism of the surrounding merchant banks. Learn how to relax and slow down for a very reasonable £11 per adult, with guided tours available for the unbelievable knock down price of only £3.00. Buy the guide book, buy the T-shirt, make a day of it at London's only Cathedral with original plasma screen video art works.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's been a while since anyone reminded you that we Christians invented being environmental. Yes, when it comes to population control and restricting fossil fuel consumption, Christianity has been at the very forefront.

Mike Gerson, an American Republican and a Christian, says climate change is a bad thing. He said this a mere couple of decades after everyone else figured it out. That's the kind of bold, decisive, intellectual leadership that only Christianity can provide.

Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend said, "This is my planet, so don't go thinking you can mess it up just because it will hasten my second coming and the day of judgement. Blessed are those who recycle, for they shall have a lower carbon footprint, and don't forget to switch off your TVs rather than leaving them on standby".

Gerard Manley Hopkins was a really famous poet and a Christian priest (I say "Christian" rather than "Anglican" because unfortunately he was the wrong sort of priest, one who didn't believe that you had to be a descendant of Henry VIII, unless excluded by the Act of Settlement, to be the Invisible Magic Friend's appointed head of the Church of England - phew what a loony!) He said the local council had no business chopping down his trees and that they should preserve the Amazonian rain forest to provide a large carbon sink and maintain its genetic diversity.

So don't try to save the planet because it's the only one we've got. Don't try and conserve its resources for the benefit of future generations. Forget about the untold misery that climate change will cause to billions of people around the world. But do remember to do what Jesus, a Jesuit poet, a Bush speech writer and me, tell you to.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone ever used sporting success as a metaphor for excellence in general? No? Oh good. Roger Federer has just won a record 15th Grand Slam victory. This is what comes of being really, really good at something.

I bet you can't tell which of the thousands of Jesus' stories I'm going to mention? It's the parable of the talents! Isn't that a surprise? I don't think anyone's ever mentioned that one on Thought For The Day before. The Invisible Magic Friend wants you to use the talents He gave you to the full. On the other hand, he also wants you to do everything else in life to the full as well. You should both spend as much time as possible using your talents, and spend as much time as possible doing things you're rubbish at.

But what if you haven't got any talents at all? The Bible's just full of people with no real talent having a go at things they're absolutely rubbish at. That's what all you talentless layabouts should be doing. Do what I do. Stop wasting time doing something you're good at and get out there and have a go at something you're rubbish at.

Even Roger Federer has said he's going to spend some time looking after his pregnant wife. Isn't that just amazing? Who'd have thought the world's best tennis player would have time for something he's rubbish at?

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Good morning Evan, good morning to the other one, and good morning to you all.

With MPs, bankers, immigrants and celebrities all being bashed recently, it's tempting to forget that we have some very good things in this country, so let's ask the Invisible Magic Friend about death. I'm nearly 80 you know?

Is there an afterlife Invisible Magic Friend, even though, theologically speaking, the word "after" cannot be applied to the spiritual realm, it being beyond space and time.

YES, EVERYTHING IS REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO THE WAY YOU WOULD WISH IT.

I thought so. And when we are generous to someone and we feel pleasure at bringing happiness to another human being, is that not a small taste of what heaven feels like?

YES IT IS. THAT'S ME MAKING YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE. IT'S A SMALL REWARD FOR BELIEVING IN ME.

Yes, that's what I thought and I think you do that for some other religions too. Now, what about the inevitable judgement?

HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD JEWISH BOY ALL YOUR LIFE?

Yes I have Invisible Magic Friend.

OBEYED ALL MY LAWS?

All the nice ones.

RESISTED TEMPTATION?

Most of the time.

THEN YOU'LL BE JUST FINE AND YOU CAN HAVE A FANTASTIC TIME DOING ALL THE THINGS YOU COULDN'T DO BEFORE, EXCEPT YOU'LL BE DOING THEM OUTSIDE SPACE AND TIME, WHICH MAKES SOME OF THEM A BIT LESS FUN.

Thank you Invisible Magic Friend. Well, its time for bed. I'm nearly 80 you know?

YES, I KNOW.


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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Antony Gormley was commissioned to provide an exhibit for the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square, but he couldn't be bothered and instead just took the money and asked 2,400 people if they wouldn't mind filling in the space for an hour each.

Putting yourself on a pedestal is a bad thing. You're liable to get knocked off. But the worst thing about this project is that it's for ordinary people. In fact, there's no such thing as ordinary people. As a priest, I'm constantly bumping into other people and the remarkable thing about them is that even the most ordinary ones aren't ordinary at all. Christopher Reeve, who was even less ordinary than most not ordinary people, said that heroes aren't ordinary either.

As somebody famous said, the invisible Magic Friend doesn't do miracles, which just proves he exists. What more evidence do atheists want? I just thought I'd throw that in while talking about ordinariness because otherwise I might not be able to have a pot shot at stupid atheists. Anyway, back to ordinary people, who turn out not to be ordinary at all. In fact, far from being ordinary (all together now):

WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!

Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, was very unordinary indeed. He said, "Don't be shy. Get out there and blow your own trumpet. If you've got it, flaunt it." So it turns out that putting ordinary people, who aren't really ordinary, on pedestals is Jesus approved after all.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Turin Shroud is in the news again. i.e. Someone made a telly programme about it, but I think that counts as news so it gives me an excuse to babble on about it. Christians, and by "Christians" I do of course mean proper Christians such as Catholics, love to venerate bits of dead bodies. We're getting a real treat soon with the European tour of the Holy Putrefaction of Saint Theresa of Lisieux, a Carmelite nun. (Not to be confused with Saint Teresa of Ávila, a Carmelite nun, Saint Teresa of Los Andes, a Carmelite nun, Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, a Carmelite nun, Saint Teresa Margaret of the Sacred Heart, a Carmelite nun, "nun" of whose blessed pickled body parts are currently on tour.) The tour's bound to bring in the crowds and should raise loads of cash for the holy venues where she performs her immensely entertaining cadaverous show.

I went on pilgrimage to the sacred Turin Shroud myself. Armed with the knowledge that scientists in three separate labs had dated it to the middle ages, that the blood on the cloth was discovered to be red paint, and that the contemporary Bishop of Troyes, Pierre d'Arcis, claimed to have apprehended the artist responsible, I was sceptical, as we Catholics tend to be, about the shroud's authenticity. I was nevertheless deeply moved by the image on the cloth. What people fail to realise is that it doesn't matter that it's a fake. The point is, it's a holy fake. It's a wonderful, holy, depiction of all that fantastic suffering and there's nothing we Catholics like best than a good dose of holy suffering.

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