Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings, an Anglican Priest 
Monday, 20 July, 2009, 07:22 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

We don't want MPs to have second jobs, but we do want them to have experience of the world beyond Westminster. That sounds like a contradiction. It is of course, completely impossible for them to gain experience in one walk of life before entering politics and then retaining unpaid links with their trade associations, practises or learned societies during their political career. As a Reverend Canon doctor and an Anglican Priest I certainly don't see how that could be done.

We've had similar problems in the Church of England which we've solved by employing part time priests. Some of these are former colleagues of myself and are very clever people. Some are even very practical people. If people of such high status as bankers can believe in the Invisible Magic Friend then doesn't that make you feel foolish at being so dismissive of Him? As a full time banker, my friend is able to bring much new thought to his priestingness. He is able to preach the virtue of saving, especially with a savings account that pays 0.25% more than other high street rivals, subject to you never, ever taking any money out.

Politicians and clergy tend to think in silos (just a little bit of management speak for those of you who don't move in the rarefied corporate management circles that we Reverend Canon Doctors do). Jesus was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. Because he was only a part time human being he could speak with authority about invisible magic things. That's precisely the kind of person you want as an MP. After all, if someone can carry out the onerous responsibilities of a vicar part time, then representing a 100,000 people's interest in parliament should be a cinch.

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Brian Draper, associate lecturer at the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity 
Saturday, 18 July, 2009, 09:38 AM - Science
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

13.5 billion years ago, the cosmos erupted from a singularity.
All the energy, all the matter, all the forces of nature that operate today, everywhere from the most fundamental particle, to the great vastness of space originated then.
300,000 years later, the heat and intensity dropped sufficiently to allow light to travel unimpeded through space, leaving us the remarkable fossil radiation that we know as the cosmic microwave background.
Over billions of years, tiny variations in the homogeneity of that singular event allowed gravity to begin to work, to build stars and galaxies.
Generations of stars lived and died, cooking heavier elements in their nuclear furnaces, exploding and seeding the interstellar dust with carbon, iron, nitrogen, oxygen.
4.5 billion years ago, a star went nova in the outer spiral arm of our galaxy. It triggered the collapse of a vast cloud of gas, rich in these heavy elements.
The bulk of the primordial hydrogen and helium condensed into a central hot body, whose core became so hot and so dense that nuclear fusion began. Our sun was born.
Two of the sun's rocky children collided in their orbit, the fragments reforming to create planet earth and its young moon.
Earth was special. It inhabited an orbit where liquid water could exist. Its radioactive core powered a system of plate tectonics that recycled carbon on a massive scale. The super dense iron formed a dynamo, generating a magnetic field that protected the planet from the sun's solar wind.
A bombardment of comets, rich in water ice, methane and amino acids rained down upon the earth, forming its first oceans.
Somewhere, somehow, an organic compound began to metabolise the surrounding soup. It self replicated and life was born.
The original progenitor was succeeded by more efficient cells, with DNA to encode proteins to build other cells.
For nearly two billion years, these single celled organisms reproduced and evolved, driven by the necessity of their environments, generating free oxygen in the oceans and later in the atmosphere.
2.5 billion years ago, two of these single celled organisms fused and cells with nuclei and mitochondria appeared.
By one billion years ago, multi-celled organisms had arrived. Bilateral symmetry developed.
600 million years ago, life learned to use calcium to create skeletons and teeth. An evolutionary arms race developed that we now call the Cambrian explosion.
400 million years ago life crept onto the land.
In rapid succession, amphibians, reptiles, dinosaurs, birds and mammals found new ways to spread across the drifting continents.
3 million years ago, in the continent of Africa, one of those mammals learned to use tools. They mastered fire, bone, iron and bronze. They turned from hunter gatherers to farmers, domesticating crops and animals. They developed villages and complex societies, complete with myths and legends of their mastery of the world.
6,000 years ago, they learned to write their knowledge down, passing on their stories, their discoveries, their wisdom to their children. Human history had begun.
Over time they learned to test their theories and created the scientific method. Our mastery of mathematics gave us wondrous new insights into motion, heat, electromagnetism, relativity, quantum mechanics, cosmology, chemistry, geology, biology and even life itself.
Today we probe deep into the universe with space telescopes and deep into the depths of the atom with high energy accelerators.
Still we stare at the sky and marvel at its vastness, its beauty, its ferocity. We puzzle over its unsolved mysteries. How special is our universe? How unique was the Big Bang? How unique is life? Why is gravity so different from the other forces? What is the nature of the mysterious dark matter that binds the galaxies together, or the even more mysterious dark energy that flings them apart?
We gaze upon the deceptively unchanging moon and wonder at its cold, lifeless beauty, where 40 years ago today, a man set foot, uniting all humanity for an instant of common pride.

But never mind all that. What's really important is that there's an Invisible Magic Friend that loves you.

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Mostly Irrelevant and Imminently Eminent Vincent Nichols, Archbigot of Westminster 
Friday, 17 July, 2009, 10:05 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

(Ed. I was going to have a go at this one, but the comments section summarises my view far more eloquently than I ever could. I particularly liked the comment from Richard Paris, "Back in yer cave you gibbering madman!" )

The notion of a right to a 'good death' undermines society
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Vishvapani (a much nicer name than Simon Blomfield) 
Friday, 17 July, 2009, 07:25 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (a little platitudinous)

The courageous human rights campaigner Natalia Estemirova has been murdered. Equally courageous, Aung San Suu Kyi remains on trial in Burma. Their willingness to risk themselves in a just cause is both inspiring and humbling. The bravery of these extraordinary people reminds me of Buddhism. I met a Buddhist monk who used his Buddhist teaching to resist torture: remain calm, don't get angry, although while being tortured he did actually get angry, but later on he stopped being angry. But not everyone who is courageous is a Buddhist, Natalia Estemirova for example. A tad disappointingly, the Burmese junta are all Buddhists, although they're not proper Buddhists. Really courageous people don't derive their strength from a strong sense of selflessness and empathy for others. Rather, they have an internal moral compass that they get by looking inwards, a bit like Buddhist meditation, although I don't like to mention that as it's such a cliché.

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Reverend Angela Tilby, Vicar of St Benet's Church, Cambridge 
Thursday, 16 July, 2009, 07:45 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I've got more exciting comment on current affairs for you. After the shocking revelations in Coronation Street and the brilliant hospital drama I saw a few months ago, I've now got some deep spiritual insight into Freefall, a fictional look at the effects of one of my other favourite subjects, the recession.

It was Tuesday night and I was shagged out after another hard day's vicarring. I woke up to find this delightful sermon on the evil of worshipping money. The author clearly took his inspiration from Gilbert and Sullivan's Iolanthe - "While the sun shines make your hay", a message taken to heart by Sir Fred Goodwin and all the other bankers with multi-million pound bonuses. The financial collapse came as such a shock. It seemed obvious that everyone could keep on borrowing money indefinitely with no ill effects. The result? All you wicked worshippers of money have gone and slashed my pension. Everyone's jobs are under threat, except clergy of course (we have to do something to deal with the terrible bishop shortage ).

In the end, the poor unemployed security guard in the telly programme had to leave his posh house and car and go back to his council flat. At least he had his family. The author really did know his Iolanthe - "Blood is think, but water's thin".

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TFTD poll 
Wednesday, 15 July, 2009, 02:55 PM
There's a TFTD poll over at the LibDem website. ... 15641.html
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Deliciously Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons 
Wednesday, 15 July, 2009, 07:22 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Now for some real news. I've just found out that slavery is a bad thing. It causes untold injustice and suffering. So all you Radio 4 slave owners, I just think you should know you are very bad people indeed. President Obama, a nice Christian, thinks slavery is bad too. It's important to remember that Christianity spearheaded the movement to free the slaves held by other Christians, although they probably weren't real Christians at all, since real Christians are nice and don't own slaves.

As Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons, I went to Nigeria to find out all about slaves. We all know that white people can be very wicked, but imagine my surprise when I discovered that some non-white people have had slaves too! Good job I went to Nigeria to find that out so I could come back to tell you all about it.

I'm off to Kenya tonight, to save the planet as we high flying bishops do. It's a meeting for aid agencies from Africa, India, Asia and the Bishop of Liverpool. This is kind of related to slavery because there'll be lots of black people there. I'll be reminding them all that there are some bad black people too and that the current state of Africa isn't entirely our fault.

With religious nutters running wild in the Sudan, we're all just standing idly by. This is also related to slavery because it's bad and happening in Africa. What about a nice bit of western military intervention? That usually makes things much better.

I'm reminded of that beautiful passage from Genesis where the LORD grieves for the suffering of mankind, and then decides to kill everyone.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley, Minister to Women  
Tuesday, 14 July, 2009, 07:34 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Dr Denis Walsh thinks giving birth should be more painful. The mums on mumsnet don't all agree. Pain often serves a purpose. Physical pain highlights the presence of illness and possible danger. Emotional pain is the price we pay for close attachment.

Religion offers many different responses to pain. Some think it's fun to suffer. Others think regular doses of faith works far better than a couple of paracetamol. The gospel view is complex, subtle and nuanced, i.e. they don't really say anything. This diversity of religious views is much better than boring old consistency and just goes to show that religion must be correct.

So if you suffer phantom limb pain, or inoperable nerve damage that makes every waking moment a living hell, console yourself with the fact that Jesus suffered too, for a whole three hours. I don't actually suffer from chronic pain myself, but if you do then you'll feel much better knowing that my Invisible Magic Friend is with you all the way, although for some reason chooses to do bugger all about it.

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings, an Anglican Priest  
Monday, 13 July, 2009, 07:26 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

War is a messy business. No, honestly it is! People get killed. When we see the grieving families of dead service personnel, we immediately think of Mary, the mother of the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. Even at a time when we should pause to salute the bravery of those who have given their lives, or deplore the waste of those who have died so young, or question the wisdom of a protracted campaign in a region that is notoriously difficult to control, the important thing is to be distracted by religion, the right religion, my religion. And there's been some fantastic paintings of Mary.

As a Reverend Canon Doctor and an Anglican Priest, let me just assure you that it's all in a good cause. That Taliban lot are a bunch of religious nutters. They think their Invisible Magic Friend has told them how to live their lives and because their Invisible Magic Friend is all good, all knowing and all powerful, everyone has to live their lives the way they tell them to. I mean, you can't get much more loopy than that, can you? That's what happens when people with dangerous delusions are given exclusive privileges and legitimised by the state. It's not even the right religion. My Invisible Magic Friend assures me that their Invisible Magic Friend is just a figment of their imagination and they should stop paying any attention to him.

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Rev. Dr. Peter Hearty - a special report from the General Synod of the Church of England 
Sunday, 12 July, 2009, 08:26 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The July 2009 General Synod assemblies has concerned itself with the vital spiritual welfare of the nation. With the guidance of the Holy Spirit we have debated a wide variety of topics relating to the Christian faith. Examples include the following.

1. How to spend large amounts of money.

2. More spending money

3. Spending money on lawyers.

4. Who can spend money and how much.

5. How much money we can get for church services.

In view of the ever declining Church attendance in this increasingly godless society, the question arises as to how we're going to get all this money. It has been suggested that with fewer and fewer actual worshippers, perhaps the number of bishops might be reduced in proportion. This is of course impossible. The crucial and indispensable work of bishopping has never been more needed, nor the workload so great. If we reduce the number of senior clergy, who, it must be asked, is going to decide how to spend all that money?

With this in mind, it behoves all Anglican clergy to remind their flocks of the joy of giving. The great spiritual fulfilment that one receives in return for unbounded generosity brings a small taste of heaven in this mean and selfish secular world. This is not the first time we have appealed to the charitable nature of our Christian brethren. We did so in 1978 (A Resourceful Church), in 1980 (A Giving Church?), in 1982 (A Responding Church), in 1985 (A Sharing Church), in 1988 (Giving in Faith), in 1994 (Of your own…), in 1995 (Working as One Body), and in 2000 (First to the Lord). By God's grace and the blessing of a rising stock market, together with an appreciating property portfolio, we have not appealed for more money once since 2000. Now, finally, the Good Lord has given our congregations the opportunity to share with their hard-working clergy. Remember, it is at times such as these, when hardship and economic recession are at their worst, that bountiful giving enjoys the most abundant reward in the hereafter. So give, give, give! Give 'till it hurts!


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