The government is keen to hear about unnecessary regulations that could be scrapped. Well, here's one that's a no brainer. By law, all schools are required to hold a daily act of worship that is wholly or mainly Christian in character.

No one should be forced to worship someone else's Invisible Magic Friend. Those who wish to pray have plenty of opportunities at home or at their dedicated places of worship. School assemblies should be for school business and for fostering a sense of community within the school. This blatant indoctrination of children should stop.

You can add your voice on the government website:

http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/restoring ... in-schools

or here:

http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/repealing ... in-schools

Thanks to Alfster for alerting me to this.

There have been a lot of valiant efforts this month. Reverend Angela Tilby pointed out that the Saville Report was exactly the same as the Book of Revelation. There was lots of stuff about football and how it's exactly the same as religion: kinda pointless but people seem to get very excited about it.

Reverend Canon Dr Giles Fraser was delighted with all the poverty that government cutbacks were sure to generate and what a great time the churches were going to have with all the subsequent new trade.

Mona Siddiqui used her 3 minutes this month to complain about being stopped by security at the airport by the horrible, racist, Islamophobic security staff.

Despite these worthy contributions, only two managed to score the coveted 5 out of 5 this month. Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings (an Anglican priest) told us what a lot of useless rubbish a "community" is and thank God the people of Cumbria have faith. Meanwhile, Akhandadhi Das (a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian) dismissed any possible scientific explanation for loneliness, because scientific explanations just demean and dehumanise things. Fortunately he had his own explanation for loneliness: it's because you have an invisible magic bit. And it's for that beautifully deranged non-sequitur that Akhandadhi Das (a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian) just beats Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings (an Anglican priest) to the post.

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Rich people are living longer than poor people. This presents a challenge to doctors. You see doctors aren't very bright and generally just look in their big book of pills to see which one to prescribe. Doctors don't realise that they need the help of other professionals: psychologists, nutritionists, dieticians and Buddhists.

I see this all the time in my work with people suffering from chronic pain (which is very much the same thing as life expectancy). Very often, these people arrive wanting to be cured. They seem to think that, just because they're suffering in agony 24 hours a day, that there must be something wrong with them. I explain to them, in a very gentle voice, that there's absolutely nothing that anyone, anywhere, can do for them. They're just going to have to put up with it and get on with their lives and stop whinging about it.

You may find this surprising, coming from a Buddhist, but I recommend meditation for people with chronic pain. Meditation, perhaps with a little bit of incense, some nice Buddhist chanting playing on the CD, wearing your favourite pair of sandals, doesn't actually make the pain go away, but at least it doesn't make things any worse.

Very often, people who are desperate turn to drugs and alcohol. This is not a good way of addressing chronic pain. I just want to wag my finger and say, "tut, tut" to any chronic pain sufferers who try this. I most definitely do not approve of this. What you need is a good bit of meditation.

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Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Isn't the crucifixion just brilliant? Even Jews think it's brilliant. Of course for a long time they didn't think it was brilliant. They thought it was horrible because Christians used to persecute them, but thanks to Hitler's attempted genocide, Christians started to wonder whether persecuting Jews was really a good idea after all. So something good came out of the holocaust in the end - every cloud has a silver lining. Now we're all best of friends and Jews think the crucifixion is brilliant too.

There are some really good paintings of the crucifixion, full of suffering and anguish. They're very artistic. Very artistic indeed. When I see Jesus, naked on the cross, full of suffering and anguish, I think to myself, "That's very artistic, that is."

There's an exhibition of crucifixions at the Jewish Museum in London. It's got a crucifixion by Graham Sutherland that's really nice - lot's of nice suffering and anguish there. There's not quite as much suffering and anguish in Stanley Spencer's but it's still very artistic. Maggie Hambling's, is very dark and evocative of suffering and anguish.

There's even a crucifixion by Chagall. This isn't the famous one. The famous one, the one that isn't on show at the exhibition in London, is really good because it shows the suffering and anguish of Jews, with Jesus looking particularly Jewish. That's one of the other good things that came out of the Holocaust - some really brilliant paintings of the crucifixion, with lots of really good suffering and anguish.

Of course, to we Christians, the crucifixion is more than just a symbol of suffering and anguish. It's a reminder that one third of the Invisible Magic Friend became temporarily visible so that he could experience a bit of suffering and anguish himself. Now he sits there, up in heaven, looking down omnipotently on all of us, saying "Isn't all that suffering and anguish just terrible?"

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Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The Justice Secretary wants fewer people in prison. He has to convince critics that he hasn't gone soft on crime, as well as convince communities that those being released do not pose a threat. But his biggest challenge, if he is to achieve all these goals, is to rehabilitate offenders. They need to be given a sense of purpose in their lives, given help with accommodation and employment, and in many cases helped to recover from dependence on alcohol or drugs.

Some will achieve this through discovering a new relationship with the Invisible Magic Friend. The Invisible Magic Friend will tell them that they're human beings too, that they have the potential to become reformed characters. All they have to do is praise him and worship him and generally tell him what a great guy he is.

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I'm sure I won't be alone in wishing Christopher Hitchens a speedy recovery.

...that His Hollowness, Reichsführer Benedict the umpteenth will not be addressing us on TFTD. We will therefore have to forgo the supreme Ponstiffs' much needed moral guidance on such issues as child care, family planning, same sex relationships and whether your sin is original*.

I know this will be a tremendous disappointment to all of you. The Reichsführer is renowned for his way with words, delighting even his opponents with his friendly, affable, well considered opinions.

As you will see from the above piece in the Telegraph, TFTD is open to all faiths (except Scientologists, Wiccans, Pastafarians, Jedi, Satanists and of course, horrible, smelly atheists). I will continue to pray that the Vatican will change it's mind and not deprive us of this unique opportunity to summarise and comment on Benedict's singular wisdom.

[* With apologies to Tom Lehrer.]

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Oliver McTernan here, from the NGO Forward Thinking, a proactive, demand-driven, facilitative organisation that works to promote in the UK greater understanding and confidence between the diverse grassroots Muslim communities and the wider society including the Media and the British establishment, to promote a more inclusive peace process in the Middle East, and to facilitate a global dialogue between the religious and secular worlds. Hi.

Has anyone mentioned the world cup yet? Just to follow on from the previous discussion about collecting Panini cards, FIFA are to look again at introducing goal line technology into the game. The head of FIFA has traditionally opposed this. "It would change the game by introducing more correct decisions," he said.

He has a point, which leads me seamlessly to what I want to talk about: the Invisible Magic Friend. Scientists have shown that technology is a bad thing. And these aren't just any common old scientists, these are neuroscientists, and at a top university too. So when they say technology is bad, you know it must be true. They almost have as much authority as the Big Book of Magic Stuff - that's how much authority they have.

By constantly interacting with technology, everyone is forgetting to stop and think about the Invisible Magic Friend. You can't think properly about the Invisible Magic Friend while playing Grand Theft Auto IV. The famous 18th century French Jesuit, Jean Paul de Cuisson, whom I'm sure needs no introduction, agrees with me so I must be right. The present moment has so many possibilities. Why waste it by doing things when you could spend your time more profitably thinking about the Invisible Magic Friend?

A lot of people ignore the present. They're constantly either in the future or in the past instead of being where they should be, in the now. You must learn to flap your arms like a pigeon so that you can soar above the clouds of things from other times. And when you get tired of all that flapping, don't allow your tiredness, weariness, laziness, bone idleness, indolence, apathy, procrastination, jealousy, distrust, hatred, greed, rage, murderous intent, lust, or desire for a beer overcome you.

To put it another way, people are naturally cautious.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The government is cutting Incapacity Benefit, and about time too. All those lazy, apathetic, bone idle, good for nothing layabouts, sitting in their wheelchairs in front of day time TV all day, stuffing their faces with crisps, paid for with my hard earned taxpayers cash. They should get up in the morning and do something useful, like me.

Jesus, whom you will recall was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend and therefore to be obeyed, gave us the parable of the talents. This tells us that everyone must work hard to increase economic productivity. Cutting Incapacity Benefit is therefore the policy that Jesus would have implemented. More growth, more profits, greater consumption - these are the commands, ordained by God, that we must constantly struggle to obey.

Jesus didn't hang about, when he found someone who was crippled, he healed them, got them back to work. Stopped them from being feckless and useless and a drag on proper, healthy people.

This is the kind, caring, compassionate society that Jesus wanted. Finally, the new coalition government is going to really help disabled people, by taking their benefits away.

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Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone mentioned the World Cup yet? Wasn't it awful?

Anyway, Toy Story 3 is just brilliant! Or at least, so they tell me. It's so good that it's making grown men cry. The Disney Corporation are really, really pleased with it. So go and see it when it opens in the UK. If you liked Toy Story and Toy Story 2 you'll just love Toy Story 3. Everyone agrees this is by far the best Toy Story film yet. You won't want to miss it. It's the film that everyone is talking about.

In these days when Radio 4 listeners are obsessed about possessions and never do anything to help their family and friends, it's good to hear about a story like this, where a young person gives away his childhood toys to a day care centre. That's proper human behaviour that is. So cast aside your selfishness and give a few more dollars to Disney to see this remarkable film. I'm even going to stop Canon Precenting for a while to go and see it - it really is that good.

But what exactly is it that makes this film the runaway, unmissable, family blockbuster that it has undoubtedly become? Toy Story 3 is an animated feature, a made up story, a modern myth and that's what makes it exactly like religion. In fact, religion is almost as good as this must see film, coming to a cinema near you soon.

[Canon Lucy Winkett is not affiliated with Disney Corporation or any of its worldwide subsidiaries. Canon Lucy Winkett does not hold shares or have any interest in Disney Corporation or any of its worldwide subsidiaries. Canon Lucy Winkett does not have a crush on Buzz Lightyear.]

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