Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 6 August, 2007, 08:13 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Churches seem so solid, with their huge spires, their billions of pounds of land and their impressive titles. It's hard to believe that it was all just made up by a few blokes thousands of years ago. In fact it's hard to believe that anyone still believes this stuff, but they do. So don't worry about whether God exists or not, just pray to Him anyway. Go into any of the thousands of churches up and down the country. They're mostly empty, so no one will see you. There you can sit in silence and discover your own invisible magic friend. Believe me, if you sit there long enough talking to yourself, he will come. There's not enough praying being done. If people had prayed more then Nazi Germany would never have started. Even today, if the people of the Middle East spent more time praying then there wouldn't be so much killing. The Middle East needs more religion.

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest 
Saturday, 4 August, 2007, 08:49 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The collapse of the Minneapolis bridge is a great tragedy. The really important thing now is to talk more about Jesus. You see, theologians have been building metaphorical bridges out of Jesus for far longer than any engineer. Metaphorical bridges are just as good as the real thing. In St. John's Gospel, which is full of Jesus' bridginess, Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth and the life, as well as the new Minneapolis bridge."

So let's forget all about tensile strengths, live loads, aerodynamic stability and awarding civil enginerring contracts to the lowest bidder. We can build all our bridges out of Jesus from now on. We can call them Jesus-bridges.

Oh, by the way some people died - very sad.

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Friday, 3 August, 2007, 08:56 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Ever since the go ahead was given for a designer baby to save his brother's life, there's been controversy about playing God with embryos. Now parliament plans to relax the rules still further. They're going to allow babies to be designed that can relieve suffering as well as save lives.

Now, you may expect me to go off into a rant about every sperm being sacred and allowing every embryo that is genetically possible to be born, but I'm going to surprise you. You see my invisible magic friend has informed me that designer babies are in fact OK. I know this because Jeremiah was designed to be an embryo prophet, and of course, the most famous baby of all, the baby Jesus, was craftily designed by God to be Himself.

I really don't know why we bother with all these bureacratic parliamentary committees looking at "evidence" and "implications" of things. It'd be much easier just to do what the bible says.

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings 
Thursday, 2 August, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

If something bad has happened to you, then all you need to do is have a quick pray. As a Reverend Canon Doctor, and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion at Lancaster University, let me just assure you that this will make everything much better. If, for example, you happen to have misplaced the Son of God then do what all people with an invisible magic friend do - have a quick pray. Your friend may answer, or he may not - he tends to do what he wants regardless. Of course, God already knows what you want, but He likes to hear you ask for it anyway. It never hurts to pray does it? After all, the 12 year old Jesus turned up safe and well, and when asked what he was doing, replied, "I'm God - I can do what I want."

As a Reverend Canon Doctor, I would never use a real life tragedy as a cheap trick to proselytise. But the parents of the missing girl Madeleine McCann pray to my invisible magic friend. So I think we can all agree that you should too. It will make everything alright.


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Overwhelmingly Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark  
Wednesday, 1 August, 2007, 08:57 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's a century since Baden-Powell started Scouting for Boys. They've been doing good deeds and roasting nuts around the camp fire ever since. With 40,000 scouts at the jamboree in Essex and 1 million scouts worldwide, clearly they've done something right. And what they've done right is that they all have an invisible magic friend. Some of them have different invisible magic friends, which just goes to show what an inclusive and peaceful thing religion is. If you don't have an invisible magic friend then you can't be a scout. Not only are you devoid of any morality, but you'll never be any good at tying granny knots or cooking baked beans.

So let's hear it for the scouting movement, the worldwide organisation that teaches children to hate atheists.

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Rev Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Tuesday, 31 July, 2007, 08:20 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Bush and Brown have been talking about the special relationship between the UK and the USA. They've stressed our common values of liberty, opportunity and dignity. These were all invented by religion. Religion has always stressed personal liberty, and never tries to force itself on anyone. Just remember that my invisible magic friend sacrificed himself to himself to save us all from himself, and then unsacrificed himself again three days later (or two days if you can count). How much more convincing do you need?

So forget about democracy, accountablility and political opposition. Believing in God is what makes things better and guarantees liberty, opportunity and dignity. That's the only special relationship that really matters.

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Canon David Winter 
Monday, 30 July, 2007, 07:46 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

We're all desperately trying to find someone to blame for all the recent floods. Even the government doesn't seem to be at fault this time. Inevitably we ask whether this is a punishment from the invisible magic friend. Is Tewksbury deserving of God's wrath? Is it the most evil place since Sodom and Gomorrah? No of course not. Just because God designed the universe, made everything in it, and nothing happens except through His will, doesn't mean He is to blame. What on earth is an omnipotent God supposed to do about it? Stuff just happens, you know. Although I should emphasise that if anything good happens to you then that is because God has answered your prayers.

Normally in a disaster like this, the most important thing to do would be to blame someone, but what should we do now that we can't find anyone to blame? Well, I have a radical suggestion. Why don't we sit down and carefully try to figure out what lessons can be learned for the future. I know this may seem like an extreme reaction, but difficult times calls for difficult measures. If we can't blame anyone then we're just going to have to learn some lessons.

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 28 July, 2007, 10:04 AM
Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)

James Oyebola was shot dead for asking people to stop smoking. Youths have been reported urinating and pouring bleach into emergency water supplies. We've heard many stories of people being attacked or killed simply for asking others to do the right thing, to the point where most of us are now too afraid to become good samaritans. Both Jesus and St. Augustine were worried that people could be bad, and said they should try to be good instead. We should be worried about the breakdown of law and order, and the general lack of toleration and respect in our society.

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Abdal Hakim Murad - Muslim chaplain University Cambridge  
Friday, 27 July, 2007, 08:08 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Fundamentalists are fat. I however, like the Prophet, am virtuous and thin. All overweight people are addicts of consumer culture. Even some muslim fundamentalist immams have given in to this and put on weight. What all you gluttonous, unrestrained secularists need is some religion. This will give meaning to your lives, which you cannot possibly have at the moment. It will teach you to treat your body, which is really Allah's body, with some proper respect. So instead of sitting there, stuffing pizza into your mouth all day, you can acquire some dignity. Far be it from me to be a puritanical, holier-than-thou, preacher, but you really need to get off your fat behinds and do something useful, like believe in Allah.

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Brian Draper 
Thursday, 26 July, 2007, 08:33 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (a little platitudinous)

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

Oh dear, the Tour de France has gone all druggy again. Meanwhile, advertisers are lying to us and even TV phone in quizes can't be trusted. It seems you just can't trust anyone these days. Jesus says to be as wise as a snake but as innocent as a dove (Matthew 10:16). So try not to be too cynical.

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