Breathtakingly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool 
Thursday, 30 August, 2007, 08:02 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's the 800th anniversary of Liverpool and we're celebrating with a new slavery museum. But the emancipation of slaves wasn't entirely a white thing - some blacks were involved as well. When black slaves rose up against the French, they decided to throw off their allegiance to the white man's God. They failed though and were soon back in their fields singing negro spirituals again (they're a very musical people). Now that the slaves have been freed in both mind and body, they've decided to keep worshipping Jesus. They now have a real invisible magic friend instead of the imaginary invisible magic friends that they had before. So it looks like some good did come out of slavery in the end.

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Dr Indarjit Singh - Director of the Network of Sikh organisations 
Wednesday, 29 August, 2007, 08:08 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Today I will be joining many other important people, for the unveiling of the statue of Nelson Mandela. You will not be invited of course, but as I gaze upon the great man I will reflect on how, after 27 years in prison, he forgave his enemies and led South Africa to a successful post-apartheid era. As I sit with my fellow dignitaries, I will also consider Mahatma Ghandi, another forgiving and great man. He has a statue too, although for some reason they omitted to invite me to the unveiling of that one.

I may mention to some of the ministers, church leaders, celebrities and royalty who will be attending with me, the writings of Kabir. Kabir was not a Sikh, but his writings were very wise anyway, and besides it doesn't really matter that he's not a Sikh. He said that caste is not important and all people should be treated equally.

Youth crime, where teenagers run around shooting each other, really isn't as bad as it seems. What matters is that we are more tolerant, even of people who are a different caste or religion. I know this seems like a strange idea, but it really is the only way to make the world a better place.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Tuesday, 28 August, 2007, 08:17 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous and unbelievably patronising)

The Prime Minister and the Minister for International Development were both brought up by clergymen. This gave them a richer, more varied environment than ordinary people have. Ordinary people stay closeted in their own little world, watching Big Brother and stuffing their faces with pizza. They don't understand the problems of the wider community. Non-Christians especially do not know how to stimulate their children properly or broaden their horizons. It is, of course, possible for an unbeliver to be well read, but it is much harder for them.

My parents made an effort to educate me. One year we didn't go on holiday. As every child in history has always had an annual holiday, this was a great sacrifice. But I bore it willingly. This was so that we could save enough money to go to Germany the next year. My parents were determined to prove to me that there are people who are not Scottish and that some of them are nice people. Even some Germans are nice people.

So parents, do try to take your eyes off the TV for a few minutes and expand the limited horizons of your sadly ignorant offspring.

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Reverend Doctor Colin Morris - A Methodist Minister 
Monday, 27 August, 2007, 06:46 PM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Children are copying all the violence they see on the news, some of which is nearly as bad as they see in films and computer games. It is of course, perfectly normal to want to kill people with semi-automatic weapons, so teenagers form their own little armies so that they can go around threatening and murdering one another.

As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that this has a perfectly simple explanation. It is caused by Original Sin and can only be cured by Redemption, which it just so happens is available from the Christian Church. When you're choosing criminal redemption, make sure you always choose Christian brand redemption which is far superior to all other forms of redemption. Once you are all redeemed there will no longer be a need for any more laws or any more prisons, since people who buy Christian Redemption never commit any more crimes.

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Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Sunday, 26 August, 2007, 08:54 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

A judge released a paedophile because he was a reformed character and a man of faith. Men of faith seem to have sex with children quite a lot. They've been doing it in England, Ireland and the USA too. Quite often the church has covered all this up. I mean, attacking the defenceless when in a trusted position is bad enough, but imagine what would happen if people found out about it.

Now I know we're supposed to be forgiving as Christians, but I say to hell with all that. The book of Leviticus, which has so manu useful and practical laws that all Christians follow, says that justice is a good thing. Hanging's too good for these sort. String 'em up I say. And if a paedophile priest happens to get caught and sent to prison, well that's just a cross he'll have to bear.


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Martin Palmer - Leader of a religious thing 
Friday, 24 August, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I'm going to tell you a story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there was a wicked emperor who unified the six warring kingdoms of China and created a geopolitical entity that he boasted would last a thousand years. He hid all the poor peasants weapons and locked up their tools at night so that they couldn't rise up and kill him, for the wicked emperor was afraid to die. So the wicked emperor created a beautiful terracotta army to protect him when he died, and armed them with real weapons.

But when he was dead, the poor peasants stole the weapons from the terracotta army and rose up against the wicked emperor's wicked son. And that is how the empire of China, which was supposed to last a thousand years, was destroyed and never heard from again.

Ancient wisdom says that if you're nice to people, they'll be nice back, but if you're nasty to people, they'll be nasty back.

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Right Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool 
Thursday, 23 August, 2007, 08:16 AM
Rating Unrated

I'm not doing my normal platitude entry today.

I don't think it's appropriate to use the terrible murder of 11 year old Rhys Jones as a platform for my beliefs. There are some things that even I'm not prepared to joke about. To the bishop's credit, he managed to keep to only a single mention of Jesus, which I guess he's forced to by the TFTD rules.

And only two days after Mutt suggests that TFTD presenters should be questioned about their views, John Humphrys does precisely that. Mutt - how on earth did you manage to arrange that?

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Dr. Indarjit Singh, Director of the Network of Sikh Organisations 
Wednesday, 22 August, 2007, 07:48 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

I've just been invited to an important dinner, where the Indo-Pakistan Friendship Society will celebrate the partition of India. The partition caused the deaths of a million people. Millions more lost their homes, or found themselves in an alien land. I just want to make it clear that this shameful man made catastrophe has absolutely nothing to do with religion. Religions always teach that other religions are very nice, are equally valid and that we should all inter-marry and celebrate each others' traditions.

No, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims were all manipulated by unscrupulous politicians from an unnamed land. The partition was not the result of demands from Muslim leaders that they must have a separate state. Everyone was clammering for a certain unnamed empire to stay and continue its much admired rule of the subcontinent, but they just couldn't be bothered. Instead, they persuaded millions of people to hate and mistrust one another and to believe that they could never peacefully coexist.

In Israel, Iraq and Northern Ireland, different religious communities constantly try to live peacefully with one another. History shows, that if only political leaders would let religion run the world, it would be a much more peaceful place.

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Jonathan Bartley, Director of the think tank, Ekklesia  
Tuesday, 21 August, 2007, 08:26 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Jonathan Bartley here, Director of Ekklesia, a think-tank that promotes transformative theological ideas in public life, and therefore very important.

Jesus says giving high interest loans via the subprime mortgage market is wrong. Jesus says the US federal reserve should consider this in future, and not make profit the sole concern when making loans. Jesus says cooperative housing schemes are much better. Sometimes these don't work, but sometimes they do. Jesus says that cooperative schemes share the mortgage and spread the risk. Jesus says these operate at lower interest rates and so benefit the poorer in our society. So you see, there are alternatives to high interest loans from entrepreneurial sharks. Although I've made a perfectly coherent argument for them, what really matters is that Jesus, the great mortgage broker in the sky, recommends them.

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 20 August, 2007, 07:47 AM
Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Rabbi Lionel Blue at his best. Just read/listen to the original.

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