Tuesday, 18 August, 2009, 07:37 AMRating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)
Some people see UFOs after watching the X-Files. Phew! What a bunch of loonies! It just goes to show that people can imagine any old rubbish if that's what they want to see. People can post-rationalise the most astonishing nonsense - a dog driving a car, a man who's convinced he's dead. It's quite remarkable how human beings can invent stories to justify their preconceived beliefs. They just will not open their eyes and see the truth, my truth. Because it's really only Christians that see the world in its reality. That's why we have to grab children when they're young, when they still believe in Invisible Magic Friends, while they still derive their beliefs based on the opinions of authority figures.
I really, really, really wish the Invisible Magic Friend existed, therefore everyone must, therefore He does. C.S.Lewis, who was almost as clever as I am and certainly much cleverer than you, agreed with me about this. Most non-Christians are past this stage. They question everything and simply will not take my word for it. This is called being stubborn and cynical. I've already explained to you all, several times, that Jesus definitely rose from the dead. I know this because Saint Paul, after an appropriate mental seizure, and several other non-eyewitnesses said so. They said that someone else said they saw Him walking about after he died, and if hearsay like that isn't enough to convince you then that just goes to show how close minded and set in your ways you've become. The non-eyewitnesses said they'd been told that other people didn't recognise Jesus for a while, what with all the wounds and everything. It's realistic details like that that just proves the story is true. There's simply no other possible explanation.
So in conclusion, all you Sikhs and Hindus and Muslims and Buddhists and atheists are wrong and I'm right. Anyone who says otherwise is just being perversely intransigent.
Monday, 17 August, 2009, 07:39 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Time to talk about my favourite subject - war, particularly the war in Afghanistan, just like I did here, and here and here. This weekend marked the 200th British death in Afghanistan. We don't get a chance to celebrate round numbers of Afghan casualties because, just like British wounded, nobody counts them.
But today, it's not our brave British tommies I want to praise, but their mothers, wives and daughters. The Taliban (a bunch of religious crackpots driven by belief in an absurd, ancient holy book) don't have mothers, wives and daughters, or at least, not ones that are seen in public. Our brave British mothers, wives and daughters carry their grief with dignity and poise. They don't go wailing and getting all hysterical and throwing their hands in the air like Afghan mothers, wives and daughters, who probably would do just that if only we could see them.
It's all so reminiscent of the story of Jesus, the kind of story you get from a proper holy book. The Invisible Magic Friend bravely chose to impregnate Mary, whether she liked it or not, using a bit of Holy Spirit to make up the missing chromosomes. He then bravely became temporarily visible as Jesus, before bravely allowing His visible bit to temporarily die thus causing temporary grief to brave Mary, whom I'm sure conducted herself in a proper British bereaved fashion and not like one of those hysterical Middle Eastern women. But he got resurrected and Mary could stop grieving, just in time to become Queen of Heaven. He then allowed people to poke fingers in his holes before bravely going up into the sky in a cloud, thus becoming fully invisible again. It's this kind of touching everyday, human story that connects so closely with our own experience. The parallels with the suffering of loved ones from the current war are clear.
Saturday, 15 August, 2009, 07:55 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Today is the day you've all been waiting for, the start of the football season and the beginning of 9 months of unrelenting bliss. I know you won't mind me talking about football, for who doesn't share a passion for both religion and the beautiful game? You see, I'm an ordinary bloke and I like to talk to all you other ordinary blokes out there, and I include women in that, in terms you can understand. Which is why we never miss a chance on Saturday morning to tap the sporting metaphor.
Religion and football have so much in common. Both foster a mindless tribal affiliation passed down through the generations. Both split into groups that think theirs is good and inspirational when all others are populated by deluded thugs. Both have fanatical followers prone to random outbursts of violence. Both have entire TV channels devoted to them (and you can hardly have a higher accolade than that). Both involve ordinary blokes like me talking endless bollocks. Both are supported through large numbers of people on modest incomes giving a substantial part of that income to prima donna superstars with over inflated egos.
But football could learn a thing or two from religion. Although sales of team kit and players' ghost written autobiographies are healthy, it is purely for vulgar commercial gain, unlike religion. They lack the taste and sophistication of modern religious marketing. Football could also do with a few more unrealistic promises based on untestable claims. And Football really hasn't got the knack of exterminating all opposition yet. So to help the holy football industry along I'd just like to quote from Saint Paul, "Get out there and buy more football memorabilia, in the name of Christ Jesus."
Friday, 14 August, 2009, 11:38 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Are you sitting comfortably? Perhaps tucking into your cornflakes? Maybe a nice greasy beef sausage? Good, because I want to tell you all about my colonoscopy the other day. Of course I had to have a powerful laxative the day before to clear it all out inside, but then came the fun bit. Who'd have thought KY jelly could be used for that?
"Do you like that?" said the doctor.
"Mmmmm, deeper... deeper!!"
This was all thanks to our wonderful NHS, invented by the post war socialist government. (Socialists are bit like evil, godless commies, except not quite so evil and godless.) There's a debate going on in America just now about whether poor people should be allowed to have medicine. God fearing, Christian Republicans think if people are so poor they can't afford healthcare then they're probably pretty worthless anyway. Giving medicine to poor people is so socialist, which although not entirely evil and godless, comes pretty close.
I could quote John Donne and say "No man is an island," but I'm not going to quote John Donne and say "No man is an island." You'll be happy to know that there are millions of other people I could quote from but have decided not to as well. I will point to Jesus however. Jesus, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend, was very keen on sick people. Usually when Jesus met sick people he would cure them. He's like that, although despite knowing everything and being everywhere you had to live within a few metres of him in early 1st century Palestine to benefit.
The NHS is the health service Jesus would have given you. That makes it spiritual and good, despite being invented by socialists.
Thursday, 13 August, 2009, 07:23 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Perseverance is a good thing. Courage and hope are good things.
Elijah showed us how to do courage and hope.
Saint Paul also showed us how to do courage and hope.
Aung San Suu Kyi, who is back in confinement shows us how to do courage and hope.
Vaclav Havel, who liberated his people from evil, godless communists, showed us how to do courage and hope.
The Berlin wall, built by evil, godless communists, has now gone. This should give you courage and hope.
Northern Ireland, once smitten by sectarian hatred is now a place of peace, where Catholics and Protestants mix freely with respect and love for one another. This should also give you courage and hope.
So you see there's lots of courage and hope around, which I think is a jolly good thing. Just as well because there is no end of things that really want to make you scream, such as ghosts, school bullies, the London Underground, drunks and everything else.
Wednesday, 12 August, 2009, 07:43 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
The killers of baby P have been revealed. All their secrets are now out in the open. They carry the mark of Cain (which is such a good story it's worth mentioning today as well as yesterday). They'll probably get new identities when they're released. Well, I say they should be branded so everyone will always know who they are. That'd teach sinners a lesson.
We all long to be known, but would you like all your hidden secrets to be broadcast to the world? You may be surprised to find that if you knew all my little indiscretions you might not like me quite as much as you do now. I haven't always been the delightful, modest, intelligent, witty woman that everyone knows and loves. In the dark, hairy, moist recesses of my furtive past there have been embarrassing faux pas. Like the time I was caught using tinned salmon in the mousse. There's been the financial
irregularities, although thankfully no one at HM Revenue and Customs listens to Thought For The Day. You might find this difficult to believe, but I've been known to be dismissive, condescending and patronising to people. There have even been occasions when I've gone on national radio and lectured people on subjects about which I'm entirely ignorant. I can be quite the salacious, even lewd seductress and do a blow job to die for.
That's why Jesus, whom you'll recall I proved existed beyond all possible doubt on my last appearance, is so handy to have around. Jesus knows all about you sinners. He knows about all your hidden desires for my shapely, irresistible flesh. Jesus is always having a peek into everyone's minds and records all of their most perverse fantasies for future playback.
And now for a throw away quote from the Bard, no more than one would expect from a classically educated and well read girl of good breeding such as myself.
"I would she were as lying a gossip in that as ever
knapped ginger or made her neighbours believe she
wept for the death of a third husband."
Tuesday, 11 August, 2009, 07:37 AMRating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)
The British government assures us that they have never taken part in torture. Since we have no reason to disbelieve the current British government, it must be true and there is no need to hold an inquiry. Even the man who assured us that Iraq was choc full of WMDs says we never use torture and if we can't believe him then who can we believe?
But what's actually wrong with torture? Who hasn't, from time to time, been tempted to chain someone to the wall of one's dungeon and whip them with one of those nice Roman style whips like they had in The Passion of the Christ? Or, in an idle fantasy, which one of us hasn't dreamed of tying someone to a chair and slowly pulling out their fingernails with pliers or connecting electrodes to their genitals? I know I have. In a particularly pleasant reverie one day, I even recall flaying someone alive with razor blades while listening to a Lehar Operetta.
What actually is the ethical difference between personally inflicting protracted pain and injury on someone and dropping bombs on their villages? They both result in untold human suffering and death. There is in fact a world of difference. When we drop bombs from 30,000 feet we are doing so in a properly authorised, hi tech, civilised fashion. It's supervised by politicians of the very highest integrity whose moral compass we can trust absolutely. Inflicting torture on someone is just giving in to our base, natural urges, where we take such immense pleasure from making another individual suffer. This is something that we Christians simply don't do. If we Christians were to use torture then we'd be just as bad as all those non-Christian terrorists who don't seem to realise that things like waterboarding are just plain wrong. Do we want to be like the Taliban, who blindly follow the deranged rantings of some ancient prophet and think ethics is about scrupulously following an increasingly irrelevant book of rules?
And to the soldiers on the ground whose lives might be saved if we did employ torture? To them I say, fear not, you have our full moral support.
Rev Dr. (hon. Kingston) Dr. (hon. St. Andrews) Joel Edwards, the international director of Micah Challenge
Monday, 10 August, 2009, 07:39 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Justice demands that Ronnie Biggs serves punishment for his crimes, but mercy allows him to go free so that he can die surrounded by his loved ones.
The Invisible Magic Friend is really big on mercy, but He's no softy when it comes to sinners. Adulterers, polycotton shirt wearers, pork eaters and abominations all get what they deserve when the IMF's around: a quick visit to the executioner, followed by eternal damnation in the burning fires of hell. But the great thing about insisting on ruthless death penalties for trivial personal choices is that it offers such vast opportunities for Him to be merciful. Jesus was merciful to the adulteress. "I'm God you know," he said. "I can arbitrarily suspend my own brutal, inflexible, unjust and unreasonable regime of punishment any time I like, so let the adulteress go. You, harlot, go and stop being such a hussy, 'cos I might not be around to be so divinely merciful next time."
As a council member of His Hollowness St. Tony of Bliars' Faith Foundation, with its modest aims of eliminating poverty, ending war, and bringing all religions together in peace and harmony under St. Tony's benevolent leadership, let me just assure you that the Invisible Magic Friend is tough on personal freedom, tough on the causes of personal freedom, but he's a lovely bloke really.
Sunday, 9 August, 2009, 07:21 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Our Creation Museum was visited on Friday by the Secular Student Alliance (SSA), a small group of sad, godless individuals who were curious about our ministry. They did a great deal of mocking. Many of them could be heard, audibly mocking. We spent all day telling them that if they must mock then to do so silently.
One of the mockers, an anonymous, third rate professor from some backwater university, climbed on our famous triceratops photo opportunity. We do of course fervently believe that humans and dinosaurs co-existed before The Fall, as the true scientific community unanimously agrees, but we will not have secular scientists mocking us by pointing this out.
As if this riotous behaviour were not sufficient, one young man was spotted wearing the most mocking, disgusting, perverse, mocking, objectionable, mocking and offensive T-shirt possible. It had words on it and those words were... brace yourself... "There is no God". Several of our guests notably wilted at the knees on seeing this. Fearing not the Devil's works, I shielding my eyes, braved permanent faith damage and pounced on the young mocker. With great manly strength, and not a hint of gayness, I ripped the foul article of clothing from his smooth, lightly tanned and perfectly toned young torso, consigned it to a conveniently located incinerator (kept at hand for just such purposes), before accompanying the young man to the toilet. The same young man was later heard indulging in more mocking and to say that he wasn't going to give me any more money. Such provocation stretched my kind, loving, open minded, Christian nature beyond all human tolerance and I had no choice but to ask him to leave the premises.
Unfortunately some of our guests had their visit marred by all the mocking that was going on. One couple were busy explaining to their children that the Big Bang theory (a secular alternative to the Bible) was in fact all lies cooked up by a conspiracy of evil, atheist "scientists" directly employed by Satan and the Federal Government. Right in the middle of this a couple of mockers started audibly mocking again, confusing the children with alternatives, and totally ruining our visitors' biblical indoctrination of their children.
Outside, some of the mockers mocked the Christian sacrament of communion by handing out some bread and cheese. For such depravity they will one day answer to their maker. Everyone knows that Christian communion is a bread and wine party, not cheese and wine.
The mockers seemed to think they could overrun our car park. Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. It was I who allowed them to know the location of the car park. It was quite safe from their pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best parking attendants awaited them. Oh, I'm afraid the car park was quite operational when their friends arrived. Their threat was further diminished as many of the mockers indulged in some very un-American car pooling, doubtless encouraged by lies about global warming.
Many of the mockers attended Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D.'s excellent lecture which proves that Christianity alone is rational and scientific. (You can learn more of this proof in Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D.'s book and DVD pack, available from the AIG bookshop). The mockers were easily spotted due to all the mocking they were doing. As Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D. is a real scientist with a proper doctorate in astrophysics, the mockers were unable to counter his irrefutable arguments and razor sharp logic. Dr. Jason Lisle, with a proper Ph.D. in astrophysics, pointed out that secular atheists have no explanation for the laws of physics, the laws of mathematics, or even the laws of Aristotelian logic. Dr. Jason Lisle, Ph.D. concluded that, as with all unanswered questions, the only possible explanation is that they were created by the Christian God (and not by any of the other gods, who're just made up) 6,000 years ago to keep the universe neat and tidy and therefore Genesis is true.
We welcome guests who are sceptical about the Christian faith, we just wish they wouldn't be so mocking, laughing at our evidence and confusing our faithful guests. We are glad that we were able to open so many eyes and bring the message of the LORD into their empty, dark hearts.
Saturday, 8 August, 2009, 10:48 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Those of you who don't have both a BBC and a Church of England Pension may be finding business tough in the recession. Indeed if you're not a vicar, you may even find yourself unemployed. You have to make cutbacks. Out goes the foreign holiday, home improvements have to wait, eating at nice restaurants are a thing of the past, but one thing it seems people are not prepared to cut back on are the latest gadgets. Some of my less trendy colleagues may not like social networking sites, but I'm a much more cool and hip sort of Reverend Canon. I'm in there, frantically fingering all my friends texts, getting fashion tips on Facebook and catching up on all the really wicked celebrity gossip. I'm no different from all those kids, alone in their rooms, doing things on the internet.
Human beings like to communicate. You may think this is explained by our evolution as a highly social species who needed complex communication in order to cooperate with one another. A better explanation is that we were designed to communicate by the Invisible Magic Friend. We are created in the image of the Invisible Magic Friend who communicates to us constantly in a clear, unambiguous and consistently non-contradictory way, which is why there is only one religion in the world and we are all in total agreement about the nature and wishes of the Invisible Magic Friend. The existence of the rest of the universe is just the Invisible Magic Friend saying "Hi there, I really exist you know." We know that the Invisible Magic Friend spoke through the prophets because they said so. And it's not just the prophets, loads of other books in the Big Book of Magic Stories assure us that the Invisible Magic Friend communicates through their authors. I think you'll agree, it's a pretty convincing case.
I know a lot of people were very worried after the archbishop declared Facebook sinful. You have wrestled with your conscience, wondering how such innocent pastimes can be against the Invisible Magic Friend's wishes. You may now rest assured. The archbishop is really a false prophet who will burn in hell for all eternity for casting aspersions on the Holy Internet.