Reverend Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Tuesday, 4 September, 2007, 07:06 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

After a glorious victory in Basra, and with nothing left to do, our boys in Iraq have triumphantly redeployed themselves to the airport. They risked being maimed and killed in order to bring the peace and stability that Iraq now enjoys.

Christians were pacifists for the first three centuries, until, that is, they got control of the Roman empire. A few eccentric Christians still want to love one another. Some Korean Christians, who couldn't find anyone to love at home, ignored government warnings and went to love people in Afghanistan. Now, I don't want to use words like "naive" or "foolhardy" when describing the loving form of Christianity. It's not for me to point out that they risked others' lives because of excessive Christian zeal. I wouldn't want to call them misguided, deluded, manipulated or gullible. That might make me sound unsympathetic or intolerant.

I know that deep down, they were doing my invisible magic friend's work. He is all knowing and all powerful and is therefore taking a terrible risk when he does anything.

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Rev Dr Giles Fraser - Vicar of Putney 
Monday, 3 September, 2007, 06:44 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Mother Theresa lived without faith most of her life. This is what all you atheists and agnostics fail to realise. Hardly any of us believe any of this stuff. We all know it's ridiculous, but unlike you we persevere. You have no idea how much we suffer, trying to reconcile the patently illogical with what we've devoted our lives to believing. I mean, if we gave up now it would mean admitting that we'd wasted all those decades following a complete fantasy. We'd look like a bunch of idiots. We are the adventurers who are trying to turn wishful thinking into reality, desperately trying to will it into existence. We do this for you, and yet we are ridiculed and ignored for our pains. Truly we are martyrs to humanity.

As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that Mother Theresa's lack of faith just shows that what she said in public must be true. It just makes my faith, which I really, really, really, really, believe in, all the stronger. They should definitely make her a saint now.

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Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Saturday, 1 September, 2007, 07:03 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

People know who murdered Rhys Jones, but aren't coming forward because they're afraid of getting shot. These unarmed cowards are selfishly failing to stand up to people with guns just so that they, their families and their friends can remain alive. This is what comes of not having a moral conscience. They should follow the lead of the brave Cardinal Keith O'Brien. He doesn't just follow rules for his conscience. Catholics think independently because they have a moral conscience, and, ignoring all the rules, the cardinal has cut his links with Amnesty. Amnesty is now an evil organisation because it thinks women should make up their own minds about abortion instead of following the Catholic church's rules on the subject. That's because they haven't got a moral conscience either.

I don't want you to think that all catholics are obsessed with abortion, just because we link every single news story with it and stop supporting any organisation that doesn't agree with us. That's why I've spent so long trying to encourage you to have a moral consecince. You should all go and get a moral conscience straight away. You can get one when you become a catholic. Then you'll be an independent thinker too and see how wicked Amnesty is.

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This week's New Scientist 
Friday, 31 August, 2007, 11:10 AM
Brilliant cover page on this week's New Scientist. The headline says it all:

"What's the point of religion?"

http://www.newscientist.com/contents/issue/2619.html


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Professor Mona Siddiqui, University of Glasgow 
Friday, 31 August, 2007, 06:47 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There are good people and bad people. Diana, who did more for humanity than any other person who ever lived, was one of the good people. Nelson Mandela is one of the good people too. The killer of Rhys Jones is one of the bad people. I wring my hands and shake my head at such wickedness.

The Koran (the word of my invisible magic friend) tells us to be good people. It never once suggests killing anyone. My invisible magic friend says we can turn children into good people by setting a good example. Those of you who don't believe in the invisible magic friend will doubtless be at the edge of despair right now. How can you possibly imagine anything but anarchy and hopelessness in a world were there are both good people and bad people.

As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding Director of Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure that God hopes we will turn out good, even though he knows in advance which of us will be bad.

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Breathtakingly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool 
Thursday, 30 August, 2007, 07:02 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's the 800th anniversary of Liverpool and we're celebrating with a new slavery museum. But the emancipation of slaves wasn't entirely a white thing - some blacks were involved as well. When black slaves rose up against the French, they decided to throw off their allegiance to the white man's God. They failed though and were soon back in their fields singing negro spirituals again (they're a very musical people). Now that the slaves have been freed in both mind and body, they've decided to keep worshipping Jesus. They now have a real invisible magic friend instead of the imaginary invisible magic friends that they had before. So it looks like some good did come out of slavery in the end.

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Dr Indarjit Singh - Director of the Network of Sikh organisations 
Wednesday, 29 August, 2007, 07:08 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Today I will be joining many other important people, for the unveiling of the statue of Nelson Mandela. You will not be invited of course, but as I gaze upon the great man I will reflect on how, after 27 years in prison, he forgave his enemies and led South Africa to a successful post-apartheid era. As I sit with my fellow dignitaries, I will also consider Mahatma Ghandi, another forgiving and great man. He has a statue too, although for some reason they omitted to invite me to the unveiling of that one.

I may mention to some of the ministers, church leaders, celebrities and royalty who will be attending with me, the writings of Kabir. Kabir was not a Sikh, but his writings were very wise anyway, and besides it doesn't really matter that he's not a Sikh. He said that caste is not important and all people should be treated equally.

Youth crime, where teenagers run around shooting each other, really isn't as bad as it seems. What matters is that we are more tolerant, even of people who are a different caste or religion. I know this seems like a strange idea, but it really is the only way to make the world a better place.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Tuesday, 28 August, 2007, 07:17 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous and unbelievably patronising)

The Prime Minister and the Minister for International Development were both brought up by clergymen. This gave them a richer, more varied environment than ordinary people have. Ordinary people stay closeted in their own little world, watching Big Brother and stuffing their faces with pizza. They don't understand the problems of the wider community. Non-Christians especially do not know how to stimulate their children properly or broaden their horizons. It is, of course, possible for an unbeliver to be well read, but it is much harder for them.

My parents made an effort to educate me. One year we didn't go on holiday. As every child in history has always had an annual holiday, this was a great sacrifice. But I bore it willingly. This was so that we could save enough money to go to Germany the next year. My parents were determined to prove to me that there are people who are not Scottish and that some of them are nice people. Even some Germans are nice people.

So parents, do try to take your eyes off the TV for a few minutes and expand the limited horizons of your sadly ignorant offspring.

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Reverend Doctor Colin Morris - A Methodist Minister 
Monday, 27 August, 2007, 05:46 PM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Children are copying all the violence they see on the news, some of which is nearly as bad as they see in films and computer games. It is of course, perfectly normal to want to kill people with semi-automatic weapons, so teenagers form their own little armies so that they can go around threatening and murdering one another.

As a Reverend Doctor, let me just assure you that this has a perfectly simple explanation. It is caused by Original Sin and can only be cured by Redemption, which it just so happens is available from the Christian Church. When you're choosing criminal redemption, make sure you always choose Christian brand redemption which is far superior to all other forms of redemption. Once you are all redeemed there will no longer be a need for any more laws or any more prisons, since people who buy Christian Redemption never commit any more crimes.

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Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Sunday, 26 August, 2007, 07:54 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

A judge released a paedophile because he was a reformed character and a man of faith. Men of faith seem to have sex with children quite a lot. They've been doing it in England, Ireland and the USA too. Quite often the church has covered all this up. I mean, attacking the defenceless when in a trusted position is bad enough, but imagine what would happen if people found out about it.

Now I know we're supposed to be forgiving as Christians, but I say to hell with all that. The book of Leviticus, which has so manu useful and practical laws that all Christians follow, says that justice is a good thing. Hanging's too good for these sort. String 'em up I say. And if a paedophile priest happens to get caught and sent to prison, well that's just a cross he'll have to bear.


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