Sir Johnathan Sacks - Supreme Rabbi 
Wednesday, 19 September, 2007, 07:06 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

My invisible magic friend made us all sinners. He made stars and bacteria, but doesn't let them sin. Only mankind and some small green furry creatures from Alpha Centauri can sin.

Sin means doing things that God doesn't want. Fortunately, God also provides forgiveness, as long as we say we're sorry. Of course, God knew you would sin, and also knew whether you would say sorry or not, so it's just tough luck if He created you knowing you wouldn't say sorry.

So don't say sorry because you made a mistake and want to make amends. Don't say sorry in order to create reconciliation and bring a little happiness into the world. Say sorry so that God won't roast you in hell for eternity, even though He already knows He will.

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Prodigiously Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 18 September, 2007, 07:43 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a runnn on the Northern Rock ba(hic!) bank, just like in Mary Poppins. All these shelfish injividuals caus(hic!) causing the collapse of the bank. Government ministers have asshure...acture...(hic!) told them their money's safe. Why won't (hic!), why won't they believe them?

There's a scientists' game where players are invited to trust or to cheat. Question(hic!)ing shpiritual types do a lot of trusting, but dogmatic (hic!) types sheem to cheat the most, even more than atheists (hic!) who you'd think would all be cheaters. This means that all the questioners and atheists (hic!) are staying at home, while all the dogmatic cheats are wickedly trying to safeguard their life savings. It's all so depressing. Where's the (hic!) sherry bottle.

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Rhidian Brook - Writer, celebrity and all round swell guy 
Monday, 17 September, 2007, 07:04 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Prince Charles once said he wanted to be "Defender of Faith" instead of "Defender of the Faith". "Oh no you don't" said the Archbishop of Canterbury in a brief moment of clarity. "I don't want any of these frankly quite silly and amateurish faiths muscling in on my job as a professional crowner."

Wishing to defend other faiths is, of course, very charming and terribly multicultural. However, it has to be stressed that, while having another faith is infinitely better than not having a faith at all, these other faiths are in fact wrong. Prince Charles must not doubt my invisible magic friend, who is the only real invisible magic friend. He must never forget that he received this prestigious title from Pope Leo X for defending another faith, which is of course one of the wrong faiths.

By "defending the faith" we mean defending it through words and argument. Little things like the Crusades, the Inquisition, or the medieval witchhunts were not real defences of the faith. St Paul said people should be nice - a breathtakingly original idea. Being nice, unlike wicked Darwinists who don't listen to St. Paul, is the best way of defending the faith. Then people will see that people like me, with faith, are nicer than bad people who go around viciously doubting things.

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Reverend Rob Marshall - an Anglican priest 
Saturday, 15 September, 2007, 07:38 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Royal British Legion says the covenant between the country and army is being broken. "Covenant" is of course a religious term. The Jewish people had a covenant with the one, true, invisible magic friend. They would stop eating shellfish, stop wearing clothes made of multiple fibres and kill homosexuals or anyone who made bread on the sabbath, and He would allow them to commit genocide against the Canaanites and become top nation forever. Similarly, the government would send young people to fight and die to preserve freedom and democracy from the imminent, indeed 45 minute, threat of weapons of mass destruction. In return they and their families would get good healthcare, decent housing, and proper pensions. Well the first half turned out to be a bare faced lie, but I'm sure they'll honour the second bit.

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Reverend Angela Tilby - Vicar of St. Benets Cambridge 
Friday, 14 September, 2007, 07:11 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Terracotta warriors are here. This provides the perfect topic for everyone who knows about the invisible magic friend: an emperor who dreamed of immortality, created a bunch of dead clay figures to follow him, and died young, still seeking the elixir of immortality. You can expect much more of this here on Platitude of The Day, because of course none of us wastes time listening to anyone else's platitudes. The good news is that there really is eternal life. St. Paul said so. Although he never actually met the invisible magic friend when He made himself visible, St. Paul spoke to Him on many occasions and He answered back, so I think that makes him pretty reliable. Don't you? So we're all going to die and go to heaven and spend eternity eating cherry bakewells without gaining weight. Isn't that nice?

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John Bell - The Iona community 
Thursday, 13 September, 2007, 07:15 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

It's not the business of religion to get involved in politics, so let me just say this, it was unfair of the government to stage the public sector pay increases so that they got less than was agreed. I mustn't use this slot to make political points, but Jesus says directors of big firms shouldn't be getting 37% pay increases while the public sector gets less than 2%. It would be quite improper for me to point out the unfairness of a free market, capitalist system, on what is after all supposed to be a God slot, but my invisible magic friend says primary school teachers should get a 50,000 pay increase. It's just not fair that the rich and powerful are allowed to feather their own nest. It's idolatry I tell you. Well you just wait. In the next life it's all going to be very different. We'll see who's laughing then!

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Sir Jonathan Sacks - Paramount Rabbi 
Wednesday, 12 September, 2007, 07:40 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Jewish New Year everyone! There have been lots of books lately saying that there is no invisible magic friend. Now I admit, it's perfectly possible that without the invisible magic friend, I might still be such a nice guy, but it's very unlikely. Science, with its concentration on discovering things, doesn't give us RITUALs. Only religion gives us RITUALs and without RITUALs it's much harder to be a nice person. When we pray to the invisible magic friend, we're admitting that He's watching us. If we thought for one minute we weren't being watched we'd all run riot, wouldn't we? So hurrah for religion and its RITUAL of praying. Don't knock RITUALs. A generation ago we allowed people to do things on the sabbath, and now the world's falling apart. Coincidence? I think not!

Happy New Year!

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Devastatingly Reverend Tom Butler, Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 11 September, 2007, 07:01 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I was a young curate once, (hic!) you know. I knew a vicar. He was my very (hic!) best friend he was. He lost a little girl once. Just like that poor little Madeleine McCann. They believe in (hic!) God, you know. My invisible magic friend knows where Madeleine is. He might tell us, or He might (hic!) not. Who's to say. It's like the poet (hic!), poet said. God can't spell, can He? I mean I think that explains everything, don't you? God can't spell. Isn't it all just awful. Media circus. I wish people would just stop going on about it. Shocking. Maybe just one more glass of (hic!) sherry.

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Reverend Joel Edwards, General Director of the Evangelical Alliance 
Monday, 10 September, 2007, 07:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Some people want religion taken out of schools. They have an irrational fear about religion. Based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, they seem to think religion is a bad thing. Of course we shouldn't allow faith schools to separate children from one another and build walls within our community. We should instead separate children in a loving, sensitive, inclusive way. Nor should we use schools to indoctrinate children - that's what churches are for. The simple fact is, all the best schools are faith schools. That's nothing to do with them always selecting pushy, middle class parents. It's because people with faith are better than everyone else. As Jesus said to the Samaritan woman "My religion's better than your religion, and you better believe it 'cos I'm the Messiah."

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The 3 minute guide to Catholicism 
Sunday, 9 September, 2007, 10:54 AM
No TFTD today. This after all is the work day for all the Right Reverends, Reverend Doctors, Canons and community representatives. So instead, I've done a short dramatisation which basically summarises Catholic teaching in about 3 minutes.

http://www.hearty.plus.com/maryandjoe.htm
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