Sir Johnathan Sacks - Chief Rabbi 
Wednesday, 26 September, 2007, 08:04 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Happy Sukkot everyone! It's that happy time of year when we all build a hut with leaves on top and eat our meals inside it. This is when we remember the journey of the entire Hebrew nation through the desert on the way to the Promised Land. 40 years we spent in that nomadic existence, and all without leaving a single archaelogical artifact behind (how's that for tidiness!). There were no great miracles. After the slaughter of the Egyptian first born, I guess our invisible magic friend was saving himself for that delightful genocide of the Canaanites. Oh, what fun we had.

A particularly happy Sukkot to the people of Burma. I'm sure our huts with leaves on top will be a great inspiration to you as you fight for a more open and free society.


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Outrageously Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 25 September, 2007, 07:55 AM
Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

I used to be an electronics lecturer in Zambia. We had access to our own computer, in a rare air conditioned room. Computers have come a long way since then. There are now 100, rugged laptops, specially designed for use in the world's poorest countries. There are no moving parts, they're solar powered and waterproof, and the software is designed to be as simple to use as possible. The cost is still too high, so buyers in the United States can take advantage of the "give one, get one" scheme. They buy two laptops for $400. One goes to them and one goes to a child in the developing world.

My invisible magic friend approves (hic!).

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Rhidian Brook - Writer, celebrity and all round Christian swell guy 
Monday, 24 September, 2007, 10:57 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Despite being a writer, celebrity and all round Christian swell guy, it turns out I am also a "sub-prime" mortgage borrower. What a lot of new words we're all learning lately. I'm not over-keen being described as poor white trash, as being viewed as a premium interest rate asset. My invisible magic friend, through the book of Exodus, makes it clear that interest shouldn't be charged at all. It really is outrageous that the bank charges me money on its loans. Being a Christian, they ought to trust me. I'm good for it, I'll pay it back. Honest Rhidian is what they call me - not risky at all.

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Dom Antony Sutch, Benedictine Monk 
Saturday, 22 September, 2007, 10:05 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

All together now: "WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS". In particular, we are all individuals when we are in a classroom with a teacher. Teachers are all individuals too. St. Paul says that Christ had many different parts of the body, all individual, many of which were essential to staying alive. According to statistics, Britain's school classes are too full of individuals. We don't educate enough individual young people and there is a wide disparity between state and private education, especially among individuals. My invisible magic friend assures me that we are all individuals. We benedictine monks, as a group, believe that we are all individuals. I do hope I have managed to convice you all that you are all individals.

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Reverend Angela Tilby - Vicar of St. Benets Cambridge  
Friday, 21 September, 2007, 01:23 PM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Some think that everyone should automatically be an organ donor. At the moment we have to ask already distressed relatives if we can have a few bits of their loved ones. Think how much distress it would save if we could just return them the leftovers without having to ask any questions.

Some people think the body is just a shell once the soul has left it and gone to heaven. It's different with saints though. Their bodies keep some of their magic powers even after the saint has gone to heaven. We can chop them up into lots of little bits and spread the magic around. I think saints should be our example. Be an organ donor because it's the holy, saintly thing to do.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Thursday, 20 September, 2007, 08:10 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

"The wise man built his house upon a rock", but not Northern Rock, who's shares continue to plummet. Well this is what we Christians have been telling you all along. Usury, greed, avarice, living beyond your means - these are all ungodly sins. My grandmother agreed. Students are even encouraged to take out loans so that half of them can go to university. Jesus says we should return to the grant based system. And people pay silly prices for houses these days. 6,000 is a much more sensible price for a house. That's the kind of price that good, holy, virtuous, humble people like me would pay. Jesus says taking out a mortgage of 6,000 is not sinful, but bigger mortgages than that are. You're all getting what you deserve by borrowing in order to buy things. You're wicked and greedy and sinful. We should all go live on a nice green rock, like Iona, and live contemplative, debt free lives, spending our time thinking about something really important, like heaven.

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Sir Johnathan Sacks - Supreme Rabbi 
Wednesday, 19 September, 2007, 08:06 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

My invisible magic friend made us all sinners. He made stars and bacteria, but doesn't let them sin. Only mankind and some small green furry creatures from Alpha Centauri can sin.

Sin means doing things that God doesn't want. Fortunately, God also provides forgiveness, as long as we say we're sorry. Of course, God knew you would sin, and also knew whether you would say sorry or not, so it's just tough luck if He created you knowing you wouldn't say sorry.

So don't say sorry because you made a mistake and want to make amends. Don't say sorry in order to create reconciliation and bring a little happiness into the world. Say sorry so that God won't roast you in hell for eternity, even though He already knows He will.

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Prodigiously Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 18 September, 2007, 08:43 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a runnn on the Northern Rock ba(hic!) bank, just like in Mary Poppins. All these shelfish injividuals caus(hic!) causing the collapse of the bank. Government ministers have asshure...acture...(hic!) told them their money's safe. Why won't (hic!), why won't they believe them?

There's a scientists' game where players are invited to trust or to cheat. Question(hic!)ing shpiritual types do a lot of trusting, but dogmatic (hic!) types sheem to cheat the most, even more than atheists (hic!) who you'd think would all be cheaters. This means that all the questioners and atheists (hic!) are staying at home, while all the dogmatic cheats are wickedly trying to safeguard their life savings. It's all so depressing. Where's the (hic!) sherry bottle.

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Rhidian Brook - Writer, celebrity and all round swell guy 
Monday, 17 September, 2007, 08:04 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Prince Charles once said he wanted to be "Defender of Faith" instead of "Defender of the Faith". "Oh no you don't" said the Archbishop of Canterbury in a brief moment of clarity. "I don't want any of these frankly quite silly and amateurish faiths muscling in on my job as a professional crowner."

Wishing to defend other faiths is, of course, very charming and terribly multicultural. However, it has to be stressed that, while having another faith is infinitely better than not having a faith at all, these other faiths are in fact wrong. Prince Charles must not doubt my invisible magic friend, who is the only real invisible magic friend. He must never forget that he received this prestigious title from Pope Leo X for defending another faith, which is of course one of the wrong faiths.

By "defending the faith" we mean defending it through words and argument. Little things like the Crusades, the Inquisition, or the medieval witchhunts were not real defences of the faith. St Paul said people should be nice - a breathtakingly original idea. Being nice, unlike wicked Darwinists who don't listen to St. Paul, is the best way of defending the faith. Then people will see that people like me, with faith, are nicer than bad people who go around viciously doubting things.

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Reverend Rob Marshall - an Anglican priest 
Saturday, 15 September, 2007, 08:38 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Royal British Legion says the covenant between the country and army is being broken. "Covenant" is of course a religious term. The Jewish people had a covenant with the one, true, invisible magic friend. They would stop eating shellfish, stop wearing clothes made of multiple fibres and kill homosexuals or anyone who made bread on the sabbath, and He would allow them to commit genocide against the Canaanites and become top nation forever. Similarly, the government would send young people to fight and die to preserve freedom and democracy from the imminent, indeed 45 minute, threat of weapons of mass destruction. In return they and their families would get good healthcare, decent housing, and proper pensions. Well the first half turned out to be a bare faced lie, but I'm sure they'll honour the second bit.

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