The waiting is finally over. They're here at last, the body parts everyone's been waiting for. Gosh, I'm so excited. I've venerated them three times before, but now they're here in England and I can venerate all over them as much as I like. I don't just venerate over any old corpse you know, I'm much more discerning than that, a connoisseur of cadavers. These are the holy dead bits of the one and only Sant Terrez of Lizyew, on the British leg of her sell out worldwide tour. She's the diva of holy carcasses, the Madonna of ghouls. In a very real sense she's the Michael Jackson of superstar dead bits. Nobody, but nobody, does being deceased as good as her.
There was a time when every decent church had at least some dead bits of holy people lying around in cupboards. It's what made a town thrive. The blacksmith, the butcher, the teacher, the surgeon, these were all dispensable, but without some holy dead bits, a town was doomed. The Catholic Church really knew how to pull in the passing pilgrim trade. Nowadays, you're bloody lucky if you get some saintly putrefaction in a casket, but not with Sant Terrez of Lizyew. People up and down the country will get to see her sacred remains. Even the inmates of Wormwood Scrubs, renowned for their lack of female companionship, will get to venerate over her as as a group.
What the atheists and the sceptics and the cynics don't seem to understand is that these are magic bones. Her invisible magic bit, who lives on in heaven, has been doing magic for everyone who comes to see her. Give her a really good, long, hard veneration and she'll do some magic for you too.
Friday, 18 September, 2009, 08:24 AM - SacksRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
There's a big Jewish festival tonight - happy Jewish New Year everyone! We'll be having a brilliant time blowing rams' horns (but not any other kind of animal horn because that would be just silly). It's a time for reflection. We all need to stop and slow down, to think about where we've been, where we are, where we're going and whether we should use a horse and cart or an MPV to get there. For all our advances in technology it's still just work, work, work, Chief Rabbitting all day long. Now we're pursued by emails and mobiles, "We urgently need some Chief Rabbitting," they'll say.
So let's all take time to thank the Invisible Magic Friend for satnavs, answering machines, fan assisted ovens, battery driven pepper grinders and multi-purpose remote controls. Let us ask the Invisible Magic Friend to provide many more convenient and ingenious labour saving devices in the year ahead.
Here I am, in the middle of the City of London, surrounded by flash blokes in Saville Row suits, driving Porches and swigging champagne by the magnum. How come they get paid so much? And multi million pound bonuses? The Archbishop of Canterbury is appalled and so am I. I'm just as good as any banker but you don't here my employers saying they have to up my salary to keep the best person for the job. Some of these City types should have a go at Canon Precenting. They'd soon know what it's like to have a proper job. Jesus had the right idea, pay everyone the same no matter how much work they do. Christian teaching opposes anyone being that rich. All human beings are children of the Invisible Magic Friend. They are of equal worth and should be treated equally.
Dan Brown's new novel is available from all good book stores from today. This one's about the Freemasons - a secret society that everybody knows about who conspire to run the world for their own benefit. Doubtless this'll be a best seller and a box office hit in due course. The masses inevitably read rubbish like this instead of listening to intellectual, sensible, rational people like me. His latest piece of fiction is nearly as loopy as the "Da Vinci code" where Jesus is reputed to have had a wife and descendants. I mean, how likely is that? Conspiracy theories abound amongst the gullible out there. Whether it's faked moon landings or US government involvement in 911, there are always nut cases who just can't deal with reality. It seems people will believe any old rubbish, no matter how absurd it sounds or how clearly deranged the person telling the story is. Some people even believe in hidden forces, like magic and the occult. Phew, what a bunch of loonies!
We're coming up to the end of Ramadan, when the Invisible Magic Friend decides what's going to happen in the year ahead. We know this for a fact because Mohammed told us that an angel told him all about it. So don't forget to tell the Invisible Magic Friend that you've been good little boys and girls this year and ask for lots of nice things as a reward.
Today I want to talk to you about cats. (Hic!) Catch 'n cheese 'n onion. (Hic!) No, no that'sh not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the partly politic-ill conferensh she (hic!) sheashon.
Did I ever tell you how to choose an Aposhle? Well I'll tell you anyway. Firsht you get (hic!) get all the poshible Aposhals. Then you shay to 'em. (Hic!) Which o you lot hash the sherry bottle? Eh? No, no, which o you lot knows Jeshus best? (Hic!) Then you do a bit a prayin. Then you jumble up all the cuddly toysh, pick one at random and he getsh to be an Aposhle. That'sh how the Apishlotic slusheshin got all the way to me. (Hic!) I'm the Biship a Suffurk. S'wat I do.
'S bit like votin, innit? (Hic!)
A few days ago I discovered that Leonard Susskind has done just that. If you're comfortable with some basic calculus (and he'll remind you as he goes along about most of it) then these lectures are an absolute joy.
He starts off with Classical Mechanics. Classical Mechanics is boring, right? Not the way he teaches it. By lecture 4 he's gone from what's allowed as a physical law to Noether's theorem. (If you haven't come across this before then this will blow your mind. It basically says that physical conservation laws arise from symmetries in nature - symmetry in your choice of spatial coordinate systems leads to conservation of momentum, symmetry in your choice of time zone leads to conservation of energy - and he demonstrates all this on the whiteboard.) This is far more advanced than anything I did in undergraduate physics and he makes it all look effortless - pen in one hand, cup of coffee in the other.
These are the best things I've discovered since the Feynman Lectures on Physics. It's really all I can do to tear myself away from them and get on with something else. I can hardly wait to get onto the Relativity and Quantum Mechanics lectures.
I want to talk to you today about space exploration, so there'll be no need whatsoever to gratuitously mention the Invisible Magic Friend. I'll mention the Luna 2 anniversary and the The Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite search for water on the moon. The amount of water on the moon will impact the plans for manned flights to Mars. Isn't this fun? A TFTD where I actually tell you things?
Of course many complain about the $19 billion NASA budget. All that money wasted when it could be added to something useful, like the $33 billion annual U.S. expenditure on beauty products, or the $600 billion spent on weapons to kill and maim people.
If you find exploration and discovery boring, if you're the sort of person who really doesn't like learning stuff then you're fortunate to have me around. As a Reverend Doctor Doctor, and unlike people who only have one Ph.D., I'm able to both extol the virtues of science and remind you that the heavens declare the glory of the Invisible Magic Fr...
As I languish here in prison, incarcerated for crimes of which I am entirely innocent, I wish to tell you all how I came to be a Catholic. But first, let me just dismiss the lies that have been told about me in court. The selfish shareholders of Hollinger International simply do not realise the vital business function played by my wife's expensive designer handbags, or the need for us to use the company jet on vacation. When I sold Hollinger titles, it was inevitable that we would have to sign non-compete agreements with the purchasers and that the fees for these should rightfully come to me rather than the company. With my wide business interests, it is surely no surprise that some of these agreements would ensure that I did not compete with myself, and on the one occasion where the agreement was not finalised, I think everyone will understand that I fully deserved to take the fees regardless. I doubt there is a single hard working entrepreneur out there who does not see a $62,000 bill at La Grenouille restaurant as a perfectly legitimate business expense. A busy CEO such as myself always needs a shaving stand and Napoleon Bonaparte's fitted the bill precisely. I needed some stools, so naturally I purchased Louis XVI stools - who wouldn't? How a succession of shareholders, juries and judges came to see this as fraud and embezzlement is completely beyond me. One person at least has trusted me. My good friend, Saint Tony of Bliar had me ennobled. Like me, Saint Tony is a fellow Catholic convert, a man who has similarly done no wrong, told no lies and was born without the stain of sin on his soul.
So why did I become a Catholic? Although I have a quite undeserved reputation as a merciless businessman with a love of suing anyone who crosses me, I have nevertheless always had a deeply spiritual side. I was the most perfect being I knew, yet still I was not omnipotent. Logically, there had to be a being superior even to me. Even Hitler and Stalin secretly believed in God and if it was good enough for Hitler and Stalin then it was good enough for me. So I knew for a fact that God existed, but how to worship Him? I had always been impressed by the good work of individual Catholics, looking after the deprived and underprivileged. Their names go unmentioned - a tradition which I shall maintain. It is work that has my full moral support. I thoroughly approve of other people looking after the sick and the poor, and am happy to take my share of the credit by identifying their religious beliefs with my own. I was therefore prepared to consider Catholicism, but only after I had rigorously justified all of its dogmas by wanting to believe them.
My first encounter with the Catholic church was with the Roman Catholic hierarchy of Quebec. I was most impressed by their understanding of the world, with their good business sense and their tight control of money. They stood firm against the anti-Christ of communism, an atheistic creed that is very poor for legitimate businessmen such as myself. My good friend Cardinal Carter of Toronto also had some very nice claret. When he retired it seemed a shame to waste his business knowledge, so he became a director of one of my companies.
My first visit to St Peter's made a great impression on me. The grandeur, the scale, the magnificent solidity and architectural genius of high art. I felt immediately at home. Here, I thought, is my sort of church, wealthy, opulent, ostentatious.
I was unimpressed by science. Science diminishes us by explaining things. The Copernican idea, that the universe does not revolve around me, I find deeply unappealing. Similarly, evolution, which strips me of my God-like powers, can hardly be a source of inspiration. With the benefit on my immense intellect, I find it easy to dismiss the claims of science as no more valid than claims of miracles. Although I have not actually witnessed any miracles, I think the scientifically verified miracles of Lourdes proves that miracles do in fact exist.
So, having established that God and miracles are real, which religion should I accord the benefit of my membership? I knew nothing about the Eastern religions, so they had to be wrong. Islam seemed to have a disproportionate number of brown people in it that made it entirely too foreign. So what of the claims of Christianity?
Napoleon thought that Jesus was even better than Alexander or Caesar and it would be foolish to argue with Napoleon. We know from the New Testament that Christ was divine and there is no reason to doubt that he told St Peter to found a church. But then there are so many Christian churches. Which to choose? Clearly the Eastern Orthodox are heretics and I hadn't met a single one of them that was a company director or had a decent bottle of claret. The Church of England, unlike the Catholic Church, was more concerned with money and temporal power than God. Having considered all the religions that were very nearly Catholic, I could see that whatever was left, the Catholic Church, had to be the true religion. By a happy coincidence, it turned out that the true religion was in fact the one with which I had become most familiar and that was run by my most powerful and wealthy friends.
You will note that in reaching my conclusion I have taken account of the views of Napoleon, Hitler and Stalin. I have mentioned Caesar and Alexander. It may surprise you that I have not chosen to quote Jesus. Jesus' actual teachings are of course irrelevant. What matters is that he was a being greater than me and therefore a suitable object of my worship.
The life of a devoutly spiritual person in prison is not so difficult as one might at first suppose. Happily there are a great many Catholics here in prison with me.
Which is Conrad Black and which is Vincent Nichols and have they ever been see in the same room together?
Reverend Dr Giles Fraser - Not just vicar of Putney but Canon Chancellor elect of St Paul's Cathedral
You are all SINNERS!!! That's why none of you should be allowed near children. Trust me, I know about this, I'm about to be installed as Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Cathedral by a crack Church of England team of Canon Chancellor installers. (In keeping with CofE policy, this highly qualified installation team will remove all packaging and ensure that the old Canon Chancellor is safely disposed of in an environmentally friendly and sustainable way.) Thank the Invisible Magic Friend the government has finally woken up and realised we need databases full of what your next door neighbours are saying about you all. Thousands of state employees will pour over millions of informers' statements about how you suspiciously helped your niece out of the swimming pool that time - you dirty, depraved sinner you.
Some think that people brought up in happy homes will basically turn out nice, honest and generally well adjusted, that humanity can rise above its base instincts, that we can aspire to a better world, with an optimistic view of the future. Well let me just tell you the Church knows better. You're all evil at heart and you always will be. You were born with the stain of original sin on your invisible magic bit and need to be watched 24 hours a day to stop you fiddling with kids in your filthy perverted way.
We know you're all sinners because Saint Augustine said so. The only one who ever disagreed was Pelagius and he was a heretic so you can ignore him. I mean, if you aren't all sinners who need to be saved then the Church would be pretty pointless, wouldn't it? My career advancement would be nothing more than a meaningless new title conferred by an organisation whose only reason for existence was its own self promotion, so you must all be sinners. That Humphrys fellow rudely questioned the wisdom of such detailed intrusion into the lives of a quarter of the population. Well I'm a Reverend, nearly Canon, Doctor, you don't get to criticise me Humphrys, you sinner you.
Kraft want to takeover Cadbury's, turning it into a proper, American company. Mr. Cadbury was a Quaker. He wasn't just any old Quaker though, he was a Christian Quaker, as indeed they all were at the time, which is why he was nice to his workforce.
Aren't Quakers just fantastic? They're just really nice - a bit like Buddhists, but not as creepy, and some of them have an Invisible Magic Friend, which is nice. Quakers don't have a fixed set of beliefs, so they can't come on here on TFTD and tell you about them. Besides, some of them are secular humanists, so you might accidentally get an agnostic or even an atheist talking to you, and we can't have that, can we?
I like Quakers so much that I'm going to stay a Catholic. Because despite being very nice, Quakers are of course, wrong. They've got no infallible pope to guide them, no strictly celibate male hierarchy with magic powers to tell them what's right and wrong, no sensible Vatican dictated liturgy. And then there's all those strange beliefs, like peace and equality and rights for gay people - totally weird. Despite all that, they're really, really, really nice. Which just goes to show that even nice people can make money, sometimes.