Hash anyone menshoned the Pope yet? (Hic!) Yesh the exshitement and plomp of the Pope'sh shtate visit's over and it's time to get back to the everyday, humdrum world of ex-bishopping.
Ishn't poverty just (Hic!) jusht terrible, eshpeshally when it'sh foreigners who are poor. I shaw a cartoon once you know. It washn't (Hic!) about poverty. It wash about thish bloke in a pinstripe suit bashing a wall down. And there wash thish other bloke. D'ye wanna know what he did? Well, I'll tell you what he did, he jusht shat there (Hic!) waiting for him to finish.
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking (Hic!) "Yesh, that'sh (Hic!) jusht like being poor that ish." That'sh what your thinking. And ye know what? You're right, absholutely shpot on you are.
There need'sh to be more help for poor people. All thish keeping people poor'sh jusht terrible it ish. Y'know it'sh (Hic!) not what God want'sh. No sirreee. God want'sh nobody to be poor any more. He want'sh evr'body to have a glash of sherry or two now and again.
Oh, yesh please. (Hic!)
Monday, 20 September, 2010, 08:16 AM - BillingsRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Has anyone mentioned the Pope or Cardinal Newman yet?
Cardinal Newman was a really, really important Anglican theologian, who changed the world forever with his ground breaking discoveries of new bits of theology. Then he became a Catholic and the Pope was so delighted that he made him a cardinal. The current Pope was even more delighted. So much so that he has now promoted Newman to being nearly a saint.
In today's godless, spiritual wilderness, where people aren't really that bothered about religion, it's difficult to understand what all the fuss was about. But back in more godly Victorian times, changing religion was a really big thing. To go from wearing an Anglican dress to wearing a Catholic dress was considered a betrayal. It meant the severing of friendships, the break up of families and the sowing of discord and bitterness. Them were the days!
Nowadays people seem to wander aimlessly from one religion to another and even in and out of religion altogether. There's no sense of loyalty to a particular brand any more. I've had people in my congregation from all sorts of weird, mangled versions of proper Christianity. I suppose they bring a kind of novelty in perspective.
There was even an agnostic in my church that came just to listen to the music and soak up the atmosphere. How bizarre! I'll never understand these unbelievers. I mean, why would anyone come to a church just for the music?
Cardinal Newman was seen crying outside his old church once. I like to think that this was him being miserable for being such a treacherous turncoat against proper Christianity.
Two events of major significance take place tomorrow. One is the anniversary of the Battle of Britain, where the RAF denied air superiority to the Luftwaffe and so prevented a Nazi invasion of Britain. And that would be bad because the Nazis were all atheists. We know this because the Pope said so. The Pope even needs extra security because of the usual gangs of Algerian atheists and secularists trying to kill hem.
But enough about that. Has anyone mentioned the Pope's visit yet? Come to think of it, has anyone mentioned Cardinal Newman yet? The other great event is the beatification of John Henry Newman by the Pope. Yes, Cardinal Newman has done just enough miracles to get his foot on the ladder to sainthood. Newman was an intellectual. In fact he was so intellectual that he decided to become a Catholic. That's how intellectual he was.
Newman wrote about the primacy of conscience. We can all see what happens when people ignore their conscience. Hermann Goering even said that he had no conscience, Adolf Hitler (a famous atheist and secularist) was his conscience.
But what happens when a Catholic's conscience conflicts with what the Pope says? Fortunately, the Pope is told what to say by the Invisible Magic Friend and is therefore infallible. We know this because he told us it was so. Thanks to this, the Pope is never wrong and no Catholic conscience is ever troubled by a conflict with the Pope's teachings. All Catholics are in complete agreement with the Reichsführer on contraception, abortion, homosexuality, women priests and the fact that the entire German nation from 1939 to 1945 was entirely populated by atheists (except the young Joseph Ratzinger, who only pretended to be a Nazi atheist).
Friday, 17 September, 2010, 08:05 AM - JamesRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Has anyone mentioned the Pope's visit yet?
John Henry Newman wrote that paper arguments aren't that great. Truth comes from getting to know one another better. Well, as the Pope addresses MPs and both Catholic and Church of England bishops in Westminster Hall, the event will be filled with symbolism. You see, despite a few niggly little differences, over women priests, contraception, the authority of the Pope, whether I'm a real bishop or just a bloke who likes to dress up, we're really all one big happy Christian family.
Nowadays we get on like a house on fire. There's no need to burn, hang or decapitate one another any more. The Pope has stopped asking for his palaces back and we've stopped calling him the anti-Christ and the whore of Babylon.
It all started when Pope Paul VI said to Archbishop Ramsey, "I know you're not a real priest, but here's a pretty ring to make you feel better."
Jesus was a big fan of authority and would undoubtedly have approved of all these blokes in dresses getting together and being so nice to each other.
Thursday, 16 September, 2010, 08:33 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Has anyone mentioned the Pope's visit yet? Some bloke, from something that's not really a religion, dressed as a priest, was on about it earlier but he doesn't count. Good job I was around then.
So just to fill you in about a few details. Today the Pope will meet the Queen. This is a historic occasion because it is the first time the Pope has met the Queen. It's also a historic occasion because we've had a lot of history in the past.
It all started in the 4th century when the Roman Empire, including Britain, became Christian. Then things went down hill a bit after that but started to pick up again in the 7th century. Out of politeness we won't mention the 16th century, when all those not really religions got started.
Then came the 19th century, when a Catholic came here and made the country much better. He turned John Henry Newman from being a follower of the not really a religion into a proper person by making him a Catholic. Newman realised that the Pope was the holiest person on the planet, and not the Archbishop of Canterbury as he had previously, mistakenly, thought.
But what exactly is it about religious people, and by that I mean the whole Catholic Church, that makes us so much better than everyone else? Well, we have friends and family and a sense of community. This is what people who go around asking for rational arguments and evidence of the immaculate conception just don't understand. Unlike them, we have a heart.
Has anyone mentioned the Pope's visit yet? I'll be getting to meet him you know? In order to understand how tremendously important this is for the Pope and me, I'll need to delve into a little bit of history.
First of all there was the Jewish faith, the original, and some would say best of the Abrahamic religions. Then came a kind of spin off, call "Christianity". It had three people who were all the same Invisible Magic Friend. The Christians thought their faith was a lot better than the Jewish one and couldn't understand why we didn't want to join it, so they decided to persecute us for a couple of millennia to see if they could change our minds.
Then came another spin off: Islam. They went back to just having one person as the Invisible Magic Friend. They thought their faith was a lot better than either Christianity or Judaism. They called themselves the religion of peace and invaded anyone who didn't agree with them.
Then there was the Holocaust. That hasn't been mentioned for a while, so I thought I better just bring that up. During the holocaust, one of the really nice Catholics helped a lot of Jews. He went on to become Pope John XXIII. You mustn't confuse him with the previous Pope John XXIII, who wasn't a nice man at all. Although the previous Pope John XXIII was really only Pope John XXII, since there had been no Pope John XX due to Pope John XIV also selfishly becoming Pope John XV.
Pope John XXIII (the nice one) decided to have a big meeting of bishops who came to the conclusion that the Catholic Church should be a bit more modern and nice. And so, after 2,000 years of persecuting the Jews, the Catholic Church concluded that Jews probably weren't going to change their minds after all and maybe it'd be best just to leave them alone.
There's a big Jewish festival coming up. Yon Kipper is the Jewish Day of Atonement and it starts just when myself and other important faith leaders get to meet the Pope. Isn't that Just great? We're all friends now, which just goes to show how fantastic and really, really relevant, religion is today.
Shaunton Harold Church, built by Baronet (hic!) Sherbert, hash got thish plaque: "It wash the besht of times, it wash the worsht of times."
Iran ish shertainly going through the worsht of (hic!) times. S'jusht terrible! There'sh shtoning, 'n hanging, 'n no laughing 'n no weird hair dos. Thish ish what happensh when you've got a bunch o' religious nuttersh in charge.
Sho why ish the British Museum loaning them the Shyrush shilinder? S'only the shecond time we've loaned it to them shince we took it from them. It'sh because of it'sh massage of hop: "Me, Cyrus, I'm brilliant and the last guy was rubbish."
Shyrus was a really great guy, 'cos he let the Jewsh go back and rebuild their temple. Sho maybe today'sh Iranian ruler'sh 'll do the shame. (hic!)
Has anybody mentioned the Pope's visit to Britain yet? No? Well it's about time somebody did.
Whether his visit will be a success or not is not currently known. For some unknown reason, the British public have yet to realise what a wonderful, warm, charismatic man Pope Benedict XVI actually is.
This is all the fault of the British people. British people have a deep psychological problem that can be seen in their irrational distrust and fear of Catholicism. We Catholics are used to this persecution of course. It's just another cross that we poor Catholics have to bear. Quite why the British people are so distrustful of a male only, strictly hierarchical, undemocratic, homophobic, misogynistic, secretive organisation that breeds a fanatical devotion to its leader so strong that its clergy would rather cover up child abuse than admit scandal, is beyond me.
Then there's Islam. What have people got against Islam, the religion of peace? It's exactly the same as the hysterical, prejudice and bigotry that we Catholics have to suffer. No wonder the Catholic Church so often sides with the Organisation of Islamic Countries at the UN.
Why can't people just judge us by the evidence?
The spending review is almost upon us and in the words of Nick Clegg:
DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!!
In what might be a comforting figure for the government, 60% of the public approve of cutting the deficit. However, 80% don't want any cuts in healthcare, education, defence or pensions. With these forming the bulk of UK public spending, the only large area left is welfare.
It's easy to blame those on benefits, to use them as scapegoats, but it has to be remembered that many are not there through choice. They have often just lost their jobs or are disabled. We can't expect those on welfare to bear the sole burden of the cuts. We all have to take our share, to carry each other's burdens.
It's simply not fair to expect the cuts to fall entirely on someone else.
Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow
Last month I told you that honour killings are unislamic. Today, I want to inform you that rioting and killing over the potential burning of the Koran by a lone American nutcase, is also unislamic.
Rev Terry Jones (not to be confused with Terry Jones, who is not at all reverend), wants to burn Korans on the anniversary of 9/11. He thinks Islam is the religion of the Invisible Magic Baddy because it doesn't think Jesus is the Invisible Magic Friend. Well, Jesus is not the Invisible Magic Friend. He is not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy. The Koran was not written by the Invisible Magic Baddy, it was written by the Invisible Magic Friend.
So my message to those misguided Muslims who may be thinking about having a good old unislamic riot, is to remember that it's Eid, the end of Ramadan. Chill out. Relax. Pop along to the mosque to hear some soothing words from your friendly neighbourhood imam.
For some reason, Islam has got this reputation in the west, as a violent, intolerant, fanatical religion. I can't think why. So whatever you do, don't feed this irrational stereotype.
So have a really nice weekend, and remember, whatever you do, please, no rioting.