Reverend Joel Edwards, General Director of the Evangelical Alliance 
Wednesday, 24 October, 2007, 08:19 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

We so rarely talk about abortion on TFTD, I think it's about time we raised the issue. Now it's very easy to paint Christians, particularly evangelical Christians, as being right wing, conservative, reactionary die-hards. I want to make it clear that I'm different. Just because I'm pro-life, does not mean I'm anti-choice. You won't find me blowing up abortion clinics for example. Nor will you find me threatening the lives of pregnancy advisory service employees. I think this is extremely moderate and responsible of me, given the circumstances.

I personally have never been a woman, so far be it from me to try and tell women how they should use their reproductive organs. It's not my business to lecture women on when they should become pregnant. However, I do think that we, collectively, as a society, should consider how many babies we ruthlessly and despicably murder every year. The world only has 6 billion people in it at the moment. Everywhere, including Britain is just desperately short of babies. That's why it's so terribly important that every bunch of human cells that ever acquires a complete genome should be allowed to be born, fed, educated and allowed to live a long, happy, and productive life. My invisible magic friend agrees. As he said to Joshua "Go kill everybody in Canaan so that you can have some more breeding room."

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Dr Indarjit Singh - Director of the Network of Sikh organisations 
Tuesday, 23 October, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Punjab was in a terrible state in the 15th century. That's why the invisible magic friend sent us our first guru. He came up with the fantastic idea that we should all be nice to one another. He had nine successors and a book, just to make sure that people really did learn to be nice to one another. Without people like the gurus, we'd all go around carrying off other people's daughters and causing climate change. The gurus were very clear on the issues of justice, compassion and re-cycling waste packaging. All our problems would be solved if only you would read the Sikh holy book and be as nice as it tells you to be.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Monday, 22 October, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Jesus says to be nice to one another. How crazy is that? I mean it's just absurd isn't it? You can't have people just wandering around being nice, can you? I know that those of you who aren't born-again will be puzzling and scratching your heads over this. "What on earth is he on about?" you'll be asking yourself. You see, you're quite incapable of seeing what the world would be like if people were nice. Because you don't believe in the invisible magic Jesus, you literally cannot see his vision of everybody being nice. I really feel sorry for you - being this blind, not being gifted with the wonderful vision and clear insight that I have. To you it probably makes perfect sense that the USAF can mislay some nuclear weapons. You really are so completely clueless.

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest  
Saturday, 20 October, 2007, 09:41 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

God be praised, it's a miracle! In very un-British fashion, the England rugby team have made it to the final of the world cup yet again. I believe in the England world cup squad. I see them playing on the telly and have evidence that they can win matches. My belief in the invisible magic friend is exactly the same thing. Just because he's invisible and magic is no reason to disbelieve in his existence. Some of the players in today's final believe in the invisible magic friend too. Clearly they wouldn't be such good players if they didn't.

Of course, sometimes I don't believe that the England world cup squad exists. We all have doubts. When my invisible friend does some magic, I tend to believe a bit more in him. When he refuses to perform magic, my faith tends to waiver. So let's all celebrate England's world cup success - proof, not only that God exists, but just as we all suspected, he's an Englishman!

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings  
Friday, 19 October, 2007, 08:06 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

I went to Sheffield Cathedral on Sunday. It may surprise you to learn that there were some young people there. Yes, believe it or not, there are young people who are Christians. What's even better, many of them were foreign young people from the former, evil, USSR and from the nearly as evil, People's Republic of China. A brilliant, and extremely insightful young Lithuanian lawyer came to the Anglican Cathedral because we have better music than the Catholics. With prodigious theological insight, quite remarkable in one so young, he pointed out that the invisible magic friend is everywhere, so it didn't really matter which Christian church one attended.

They have suffered years of religious persecution by the foul, atheist, communists. Yet despite this, young people are not content with the shabby pursuit of material gain which all you non-religious people are so obsessed with. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that art, philosophy, science and the love and support of your family and friends, cannot possibly give any meaning to your life. As these young people so ably demonstrate, only a belief in my invisible magic friend can possibly give any purpose to your otherwise sad and pointless existence.

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Professor Mona Siddiqui, University of Glasgow 
Thursday, 18 October, 2007, 08:07 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

The Koran tells us that Allah made the world specifically for us to exploit. Wasn't that nice of him? So now that the invisible magic friend's store of oil in the middle east is running a bit short, we're going to have to start looking elsewhere. Where has he hidden all the extra oil? The UK thinks some of it may be in Antartica, which, thanks to global warming, is now becoming more and more accessible. Clearly a country at a latitude of 54 degrees north has a strong claim to the south pole. After all it was Scott of the Antartic who famously got their second. So let's get our claim in there fast. As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding Director of Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that there's Allah-given oil in them there ice sheets!

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Madeleine Bunting - Writer and columnist 
Wednesday, 17 October, 2007, 09:21 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Middle England is turning to the bottle. This is because they worry too much. They should accept their lot in life and not go around aspiring to better things. Take Bhuddism - it knows a thing or two about not aspiring to better things. They know that we suffer when life turns out not to meet expectations. Bhuddism is a religion which is very full of wisdom, which is why I've chosen to remain a Christian. If Cain had learned to be content then he would never have killed his brother and there wouldn't have been any murders in the world. At the same time you must be prepared to change things.

Some people, who clearly have nothing better to do, spend their time mocking the wise and the virtuous, like me. They should accept their lot in life, being less wise and less virtuous, and paying more attention to their betters.

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Dr Indarjit Singh - Director of the Network of Sikh organisations 
Tuesday, 16 October, 2007, 07:46 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Muslims (who are entitled to their beliefs) have written to Christians (who are also entitled to their beliefs) suggesting that they be nice to one another. They both have the same invisible magic friend (although I am not forcing this belief on you) so it makes sense to concentrate on what they have in common. However, this just papers over the cracks, I believe. They should concentrate on what divides them - settle forever whether the Pope or Mohammed should have the last word on what the invisible magic friend thinks, although you may have a different belief. A guru said that the real invisible magic friend doesn't really care about this, although this was only his belief and you are free to have your own belief. I think this all goes to show how religion makes the world a better place and so makes the religious better people, I believe.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Monday, 15 October, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Thanks to the postmen being on strike, I've been getting very little junk mail recently. The Christian approach to dealing with junk mail is simple. It's all about love. Do I love my insurance company? Do I love my broadband provider? Do I love the double glazing company as much as I love myself? In all things, I must aim to do the will of my invisible magic friend. So ask yourself this, which takeaway pizza venue would Jesus use?

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Rev. Rob Marshall - Anglican Priest  
Sunday, 14 October, 2007, 04:48 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Aparently, children are being stressed out by the pressures and worries of our modern world. Well not in the schools where I give morning assembly they're not. I tell them not to worry about exams, religious terrorism, global warming, or all the other doom and gloom stories. Just be happy, embrace my invisible magic friend and everything will be better. Jesus, who was actually my invisible magic friend in disguise, made the unique observation that children are important. They are the future you know.

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