Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy birthday to the Today programme! We talk a lot about the NHS on this programme. It's worrying that GPs are now out to maximise profit rather than help patients. We see a lot of people trying to maximise profits. The so-called entertainment industry is a case in point. They keep producing things that most people want to see rather than things that I like and which would be much better. Sports companies keep trying to make money as well. Sikhs don't do this. You won't see Sikhs trying to maximise money out of their businesses. We give all our money away to help the poor and the needy, just like the gurus did. When people stop trying to maximise profit by providing goods and services that people want to buy, the world will be a much better place.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I haven't been looking for dinosaurs on an archaelogical dig (Ed - Good, you wouldn't find any). To find out what happened to the dinosaurs, we naturally turn for an expert opinion to a theologian. Rubem Alves says the dinosaurs died because they were too strong and too successful. This seems quite sensible to me and clearly points to the same thing happening with the USA. The USA has problems with Cuba, Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea, Russia, China, Afghanistan, Venezuela... It has the stupidest president ever and a spiralling national debt. So I can't help wonder when the USA's tremendous success will cause it to stop being top nation, and will it go quietly? My invisible magic friend became a weak and vulnerable man as an example to the USA and since they nearly all believe in him, I'm sure the Americans will ride into the sunset in a dignified and humble way.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

With all the hectic activity of being a modern priest, it's sometimes easy to forget that part of each day is light and part is dark. We do things during the light bit and think about doing things during the dark bit. Furthermore, the amount of light and dark varies through the seasons in a profoundly spiritual way. This was something that the Celts noticed when nobody else did. My invisible magic friend is there during the light bits and during the dark bits.

Don't forget to put your clocks back tomorrow morning.

Listen
Read

Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

The Chief Rabbi, Sir Jonathan Sacks, says in his new book that Britain is falling apart. Anyone standing in a class full of teenagers might be tempted to agree. But once those teenagers become parents, moral relativism soon goes out of the window. They want their children to be honest, generous, loving and considerate, because that's the way society hangs together.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

We all have to protect our children. We stop them from doing things that will ruin their lives: smoking, drinking, becoming politicians. But we also have to give them the freedom to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. You can't see where I'm going with this, can you? That's because I have come up with a thoroughly unique and original analogy regarding our relationship with the invisible magic friend. He gives us laws because he loves us, and he allows us to break them because he loves us enough to let us go. Isn't that just amazing! I bet you never heard god described as a heavenly father before. He invented little challengs for us, like malaria, earthquakes and tsunamis because he loves us. It's not all because we live in a world of natural law that is indifferent to the aspirations of humanity. What a fantastic invisible magic friend he really is!

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

We so rarely talk about abortion on TFTD, I think it's about time we raised the issue. Now it's very easy to paint Christians, particularly evangelical Christians, as being right wing, conservative, reactionary die-hards. I want to make it clear that I'm different. Just because I'm pro-life, does not mean I'm anti-choice. You won't find me blowing up abortion clinics for example. Nor will you find me threatening the lives of pregnancy advisory service employees. I think this is extremely moderate and responsible of me, given the circumstances.

I personally have never been a woman, so far be it from me to try and tell women how they should use their reproductive organs. It's not my business to lecture women on when they should become pregnant. However, I do think that we, collectively, as a society, should consider how many babies we ruthlessly and despicably murder every year. The world only has 6 billion people in it at the moment. Everywhere, including Britain is just desperately short of babies. That's why it's so terribly important that every bunch of human cells that ever acquires a complete genome should be allowed to be born, fed, educated and allowed to live a long, happy, and productive life. My invisible magic friend agrees. As he said to Joshua "Go kill everybody in Canaan so that you can have some more breeding room."

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Punjab was in a terrible state in the 15th century. That's why the invisible magic friend sent us our first guru. He came up with the fantastic idea that we should all be nice to one another. He had nine successors and a book, just to make sure that people really did learn to be nice to one another. Without people like the gurus, we'd all go around carrying off other people's daughters and causing climate change. The gurus were very clear on the issues of justice, compassion and re-cycling waste packaging. All our problems would be solved if only you would read the Sikh holy book and be as nice as it tells you to be.

Listen
Read

Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Jesus says to be nice to one another. How crazy is that? I mean it's just absurd isn't it? You can't have people just wandering around being nice, can you? I know that those of you who aren't born-again will be puzzling and scratching your heads over this. "What on earth is he on about?" you'll be asking yourself. You see, you're quite incapable of seeing what the world would be like if people were nice. Because you don't believe in the invisible magic Jesus, you literally cannot see his vision of everybody being nice. I really feel sorry for you - being this blind, not being gifted with the wonderful vision and clear insight that I have. To you it probably makes perfect sense that the USAF can mislay some nuclear weapons. You really are so completely clueless.

Listen
Read

Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

God be praised, it's a miracle! In very un-British fashion, the England rugby team have made it to the final of the world cup yet again. I believe in the England world cup squad. I see them playing on the telly and have evidence that they can win matches. My belief in the invisible magic friend is exactly the same thing. Just because he's invisible and magic is no reason to disbelieve in his existence. Some of the players in today's final believe in the invisible magic friend too. Clearly they wouldn't be such good players if they didn't.

Of course, sometimes I don't believe that the England world cup squad exists. We all have doubts. When my invisible friend does some magic, I tend to believe a bit more in him. When he refuses to perform magic, my faith tends to waiver. So let's all celebrate England's world cup success - proof, not only that God exists, but just as we all suspected, he's an Englishman!

Listen
Read

Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

I went to Sheffield Cathedral on Sunday. It may surprise you to learn that there were some young people there. Yes, believe it or not, there are young people who are Christians. What's even better, many of them were foreign young people from the former, evil, USSR and from the nearly as evil, People's Republic of China. A brilliant, and extremely insightful young Lithuanian lawyer came to the Anglican Cathedral because we have better music than the Catholics. With prodigious theological insight, quite remarkable in one so young, he pointed out that the invisible magic friend is everywhere, so it didn't really matter which Christian church one attended.

They have suffered years of religious persecution by the foul, atheist, communists. Yet despite this, young people are not content with the shabby pursuit of material gain which all you non-religious people are so obsessed with. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that art, philosophy, science and the love and support of your family and friends, cannot possibly give any meaning to your life. As these young people so ably demonstrate, only a belief in my invisible magic friend can possibly give any purpose to your otherwise sad and pointless existence.

Listen
Read