Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 12 November, 2007, 07:59 AM
Rating 0 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

The stock market has the shakes. When we feel like we're loosing our wealth, the temptation is to become meaner and fight over what's left. Try instead to be generous to those less fortunate than yourself. The pleasure that you receive in return is worth far more and lasts longer.

A rabbi asked to be shown heaven and hell. In hell there was a pot of stew and everyone was screaming because their spoons were too long to get the food in their mouths. In heaven there was the same pot of stew. There too the diners had spoons that were too long, but they were all laughing, for they fed each other.

If more had been done to help the diseased and impoverished children of 1920s Berlin, then perhaps Hitler, with all his messages of hate, with all the horrors that followed, would never have come to power.

That is the true message of yesterday's armistice day when we fell silent on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

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Brian Draper  
Saturday, 10 November, 2007, 10:49 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's the day before Remembrance Sunday, when we pay our respects to those men and women who gave their lives so that Africa could remain British. The evil Bosch Kaiser, Wilhelm II, wanted to take away the lovely empire belonging to his cousin, the good English king, George Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha. This was widely acknowledged to be the best empire there had ever been and one which George had won fair and square for his branch of the family.

Of course, today we don't send people to die for something as meaningless as an ancient aristocracy. Today's young people fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are not taking part in some grubby resource grab. They're fighting for their country, for democracy and for our way of life. Anyone who says otherwise is a traitor - after all you're either for us or you're against us.

All those killed have joined the invisible magic friend in heaven. Thankfully, our leaders know this and are not afraid to send others to make the ultimate sacrifice. The church joins them in reminding you that it is a fine and fitting thing to die for one's country.

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Akhandadhi Das, Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian 
Friday, 9 November, 2007, 08:03 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Diwali everyone! At this time of year we celebrate Lord Rama, who bravely banished his wife after rumours that she was unchaste (we all know how devious these women can be when not properly supervised). Although he selflessly abandoned her purely on the basis of mob gossip, this nevertheless allowed him to stay king. This greater good far outweighed the petty injustice to his wife and is therefore a good thing. So when your political and religious betters shove all the blame onto someone else in order to cling to office, just remember that it's all for your own good. This is the will of the invisible magic friend and is called morality.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley 
Thursday, 8 November, 2007, 08:03 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous and utterly meaningless)

St. Pancras station has reopened. It's all so very,very, very BIG, and shiny and really really nice. People will come from all over the world to see the trains and relax while they watch all the coming and going of trains. It's just so full of nice, big, throbbing trains. In and out, in and out, those big long trains will go, all day long.

And let's not forget the invisible magic friend. There's just so much room for him to be invisible in. I can't really think of any other connection between God and the opening of the high speed train line to Paris, although I'm sure there must be a really profound one. I'll just mention that St. Pancras looks like a cathedral and Sir John Betjeman wrote a poem about God once and he liked St. Pancras. And St. Pancras is a really good place to be intimate in, with all those great big trains. And what's god really about if it's not about intimacy with your favourite trains.

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Martin Palmer - Leader of a religious thing 
Wednesday, 7 November, 2007, 07:44 AM
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Charging interest on loans, usury, is a sin. The chief sinner, and Great Satan, is Charles Prince who wickedly gave loans to people to buy houses that they would otherwise have been unable to afford. Usury was condemned by every pope, right up 'till the 20th century, when he infallibly changed his mind and founded the Vatican Bank instead.

Thankfully, there are still many muslims who follow the invisible magic friend's financial investment guidelines. Thanks to these steady rules, the muslim world has become the industrial and economic powerhouse that it is today. Islamic mortgages, where the bank is able to levy a variety of charges, none of which are called interest, preserve the purity of the islamic faith against the evils of capitalism. Since the invisible magic friend has not specifically banned creative accounting, such loans, which are not technically loans, and their associated interest payments, which are not technically interest payments, are not sinful and should therefore be adopted by all of us.

Thank goodness for the sincerity and devotion of Islamic scholars, who meticulously search for loopholes in Allah's rules, thus allowing us all to live pure and blameless lives, free from the wickedness of usury. Thank goodness such ingenuity is not being wasted on some less constructive pursuit.

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Dazzlingly Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 6 November, 2007, 07:59 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Ants shend old ants out to do the deadly (hic!) jobs. That'sh all us old folks are good for. Families are falling apart (hic!), not even getting married any more - putting vicars like me (hic!) - like me out of a job, like discarded old antsh. Jesus never discarded his old folks. He jusht got up and (hic!) left them, that'sh all. Told everbody to get up and leave their old folks, he did. Yet people seem happy with their families? Why aren't they miserable? They're not doing what (hic!) the church saysh they shhhoooould, yet they're going around being happy. Whatsh the matter with them (hic!)?

Pash the sherry bottle.

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John Bell of the Iona Community 
Monday, 5 November, 2007, 08:05 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Thousands of foreign women have been duped into travelling to the UK where they are exploited as sex slaves. This is a bad thing. The solution is not to regulate brothels, that would be sinful. Although at first glance we could solve the problem by stoning all the prostitutes to death, Jesus put an end to this particular form of entertainment when he said, "Let they who have not sinned cast the first stone", (whereupon his mother Mary hurled a large rock at the unfortunate victim). Clearly, the only humane solution to this problem is for me to come on here and appeal to the conscience of the brothels' customers. This might certainly work, but if not then it will give me many further opportunities to decry the wickedness of mankind without actually proposing any constructive solutions.

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Brian Draper 
Saturday, 3 November, 2007, 09:23 AM
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

My sermon today is on the topic of Justice. By that, I mean proper justice, not the kind dished out by British Courts. I mean the sort of justice that the bible talks about, like an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Alternatively, if you want to pick one of the nice bits of the bible, we could talk about the social justice in Amos. A better kind of justice, is the concept of ubuntu which, in addition to being a great computer operating system is also a traditional form of reparation and reconciliation in African societies. This is a good thing, so it must be based in the bible somewhere, and archbishop Desmond Tutu is a fan of it, so it must be a Christian thing as well. In fact, it's such a good idea that I'm quite sure Christians must've invented ubuntu. So let's all practise the age old tradition of Christian ubuntu.

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The Queen greets Darth Vader 
Saturday, 3 November, 2007, 02:44 AM
Please, somebody tell me this is just playfull journalistic editing. Surely the Guards didn't really play Darth Vader's theme to greet the king of Saudi Arabia?

http://www.weaselzippers.net/blog/2007/ ... lah-v.html

This had me in hysterics. Every time I watch it he looks more and more like the guy from Star Wars, with the big black cloak and a covered head, who wants to spread his message of mysticism and control throughout the world. Whereas in reality he's a bloke in a big black cloak and covered... er.

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Reverend Canon Doctor Alan Billings  
Friday, 2 November, 2007, 07:58 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy All Souls' Day everyone! Isn't it just great to be a Christian and to know that there's life after death. The devastating logic which leads to this conclusion is inescapable. IF the invisible magic friend went to all the trouble of creatng us then it's highly unlikely he's going to just snuff us out after four score years and ten, isn't it? This is why it's important to stop whining about your dead loved ones. Ancestor worship is idolatry, and a wicked, wicked sin that you'll burn in hell for. As a Reverend Canon Doctor and Director of the Centre for Ethics and Religion, Lancaster University, let me just assure you that this is what religion is all about: wishful thinking to help you ignore reality and get back to being a useful, productive member of the community, instead of some broken hearted, lovelorn mess. Pull your socks up and get on with your lives.

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