Wednesday, 28 November, 2007, 08:32 AMRating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)
Bismillah ir Rahman ir Rahim, in the name of Allah, the beneficent, the merciful, take care not to use words, cartoons or teddy bears that offend against, the most holy, most mighty, most incredibly insecure Allah. Worship thee not thy foul, blasphemous teddy bears, nor raise them up as teddy bear idols, nor name them after the good and loving Prophet (PBUH) lest he be mistaken for a teddy bear. Scourge, imprison and demean all who would dare bow down before an inanimate cuddly toy. Know ye now that there cannot be, nor shall there ever be any freedom to criticise the least aspect of any religion, no matter how insane, absurd, ancient or self-contradictory it may be. Obey the words of Allah...
Your invisible magic friend
Tuesday, 27 November, 2007, 08:05 AMRating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
Some things cause other things. Things not happening also cause other things not to happen. This is called cause (something happening) and effect (something else happening). The Buddha was very keen on things causing other things and spoke about it at length.
Sometimes things happen that we didn't intend to happen - this was pointed out by a great philospher. Before Isaiah Berlin no one had realised this, except possibly Shakespeare who often had unintended consequences in his stories.
Whether things turn out for the best all depends on how they turn out. What's really important is that we do things morally. Even politicians should try this.
Monday, 26 November, 2007, 08:48 AMRating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)
Holiday time is fast approaching when we must all be compulsorily happy. Some of us with no family find that difficult, so I'll be joining others for a holiday retreat. It's not an entirely spiritual affair and many are there purely to dispel lonliness within a pleasant community. Watch out for the invisible magic friend though, once introduced he can be difficult to shake off. There are always hotels, but beware of dining alone which can only make the sense of lonliness and rejection worse.
Sunday, 25 November, 2007, 04:16 AMRating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)
It's me, y'know, the straight kinda guy that used to be your beloved leader. (Until I was forced to abdicate in favour of that guttersnipe Brown. Look what a "hash" he's made of things. Not that I'm gloating over his poll ratings. Ha, ha!)
Now that I no longer need your votes, it's time to reveal the true me. Y'see, the honest truth is, I was actually the Lord's anointed as Prime Minister. Every Sunday, no matter what arduous duties I had to perform as PM, I always stopped doing them so that I could go to Church and speak to the invisible magic friend. Of course, I couldn't tell you this at the time, people might've thought I was some kind of a nutter!
As PM, you have to take tough decisions, and invading Iraq was probably the toughest I had to take. The spooks kept saying they weren't sure about WMDs in Iraq, but my invisible friend told my buddy George to invade, so we had to find some feeble pretext to kill all those people. That's why I was able, with a clean conscience and a pure heart, to tell the House of Commons that the intelligence was "extensive, detailed and authoritative".
Each night, as I lay in bed, wrestling with the thought of all the properties and businesses I had destroyed, the lives I had wrecked, the innocent people I had killed, maimed or bereaved, I read my bible. This hardened my resolve, gave me the courage and strength to ignore all the defeatists who called me an idiotic, manipulative, lying, cowardly, nepotistic, simplistic, hypocritical, vain, hollow, two-faced charlatan. Thus, contented by my belief in my invisible magic friend, I slept peacefully at night, knowing that I'd brought integrity and honesty back into politics.
This you see, is the benefit of faith.
Saturday, 24 November, 2007, 08:27 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Scientists have discovered that babies have an innate moral sense. Where do they get this from? Could it be an evolutionary trait that allows humans to co-operate and work in groups? No, what it shows is that the Catholic Church, as always, turns out to be correct. It shows that there is a basic Natural Law instituted by the invisible magic friend and revealed to Thomas Aquinas. This is why the Holy Father can be so sure that condoms and homosexuals are so utterly evil - they're not natural you see. I do love it when scientists discover that my faith was right all along. Maybe now they'll admit that the pope is infallible.
Friday, 23 November, 2007, 08:10 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
The goverment has lost all our identities. Fortunately, we all have backup IDs that were given to us by our invisible magic friend. Forget genetics and environment, forget our experiences and memories, forget hormones and instincts. In fact, forget everything we've learned about human physiology and psychology over the past hundred years. We are who we are because the invisible magic friend made us this way. Jesus said so, St. Paul said so, St. Augistine said so, so it must be true. And if god just happened to make you bad? Well tough, you'll just have to burn in hell for all eternity. It all makes such perfect sense!
Thursday, 22 November, 2007, 09:28 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
Should we allow people to be different? Many people who aren't yet perfect can be cured with appropriate drugs or psycho-shock therapy which will turn them into normal well-rounded human beings. As always when dealing with such questions we turn to those who understand the topic best: theologians. After careful study, and much thought and reflection, Frances Young concluded that she needed to talk to the invisible magic friend about it. St. Paul had something wrong with him, which just goes to show that there's nothing wrong with being broken. The invisible magic friend loves you just as you are.
So there you have it, god says "It takes all kinds to make a world."
Wednesday, 21 November, 2007, 08:51 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
Well, I'm really late today - stuck in traffic. I know how dissappointed you must all be that I didn't deliver my sermon on time, but believe me, this one was worth waiting for.
I'm halfway through my "must hear" album checklist. I could do it cheaper if I downloaded it illegally, but that would spoil my ambition to lead a pure and spotless life, which thankfully I've managed so far. The best checklist of all is the 10 commandments which we all know and love.
1. There's to be no invisible magic friend but Yahweh.
2. No worshipping of Idols, not even idols of Yahweh 'cos he's invisible..
3. Don't use Yahweh's name in vain.
4. Remember to spend every 7th day worshipping Yahweh.
Eventually, once Yahweh has been properly worshipped, but not idolised, you can get round to not killing, stealing or lying. Jesus then added another commandment: sell everything you have and worship him. You could give your stuff to the church for example. This is called being spiritual and will make you a much better and happier person.
Aren't you glad you sat rivetted to the radio for the last hour waiting for me to arrive.
Tuesday, 20 November, 2007, 08:01 AMRating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
It'sh the queens 60'ish wedding anniversssaaary (hic!). God blesh yer majeshty and all who sail in 'er! She only got the shame ration coupons as every other young bride, yet (hic!) with a little bit of thrift, she managed to turn that into a shilk dresh with thouuuuusands of pearls. What'sh the secret of her maj'sh (hic!) shuccess? It's god of course, plush the odd little weekend at Balmoral, or Shandringham or Windsor - we all need our litttle treatsh (hic!). It'sh god wot makes a good marriage. Her divine majeshty's the proof of that.
So raise your glashes to her (hic!) majeshty the queen!
Monday, 19 November, 2007, 08:04 AMRating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
I'm now older than my granny was when she died. My faith is different from hers however. Faith must keep pace with the times and we have to throw out some of the aspects that are junk but make sure we keep the jewels. Miracles are probably junk, as is divine revelation via burning bushes and tablets of stone. These days, the invisible magic friend tends to reveal himself via personal reflection and the democratic decision making process. This may seem like an entirely human process, but it's really just the invisible magic friend being a little bit more invisible. So I still have the same faith I've always had, I just can't think of anything specific that god does any more. That's what faith's all about and why it's so terribly, terribly important.