Catherine Pepinster - Editor of the Tablet 
Saturday, 24 November, 2007, 08:27 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Scientists have discovered that babies have an innate moral sense. Where do they get this from? Could it be an evolutionary trait that allows humans to co-operate and work in groups? No, what it shows is that the Catholic Church, as always, turns out to be correct. It shows that there is a basic Natural Law instituted by the invisible magic friend and revealed to Thomas Aquinas. This is why the Holy Father can be so sure that condoms and homosexuals are so utterly evil - they're not natural you see. I do love it when scientists discover that my faith was right all along. Maybe now they'll admit that the pope is infallible.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Friday, 23 November, 2007, 08:10 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The goverment has lost all our identities. Fortunately, we all have backup IDs that were given to us by our invisible magic friend. Forget genetics and environment, forget our experiences and memories, forget hormones and instincts. In fact, forget everything we've learned about human physiology and psychology over the past hundred years. We are who we are because the invisible magic friend made us this way. Jesus said so, St. Paul said so, St. Augistine said so, so it must be true. And if god just happened to make you bad? Well tough, you'll just have to burn in hell for all eternity. It all makes such perfect sense!

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Right Awful Anne Atkins 
Thursday, 22 November, 2007, 09:28 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Should we allow people to be different? Many people who aren't yet perfect can be cured with appropriate drugs or psycho-shock therapy which will turn them into normal well-rounded human beings. As always when dealing with such questions we turn to those who understand the topic best: theologians. After careful study, and much thought and reflection, Frances Young concluded that she needed to talk to the invisible magic friend about it. St. Paul had something wrong with him, which just goes to show that there's nothing wrong with being broken. The invisible magic friend loves you just as you are.

So there you have it, god says "It takes all kinds to make a world."

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Rhidian Brook, writer and celebrity 
Wednesday, 21 November, 2007, 08:51 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Well, I'm really late today - stuck in traffic. I know how dissappointed you must all be that I didn't deliver my sermon on time, but believe me, this one was worth waiting for.

I'm halfway through my "must hear" album checklist. I could do it cheaper if I downloaded it illegally, but that would spoil my ambition to lead a pure and spotless life, which thankfully I've managed so far. The best checklist of all is the 10 commandments which we all know and love.

1. There's to be no invisible magic friend but Yahweh.
2. No worshipping of Idols, not even idols of Yahweh 'cos he's invisible..
3. Don't use Yahweh's name in vain.
4. Remember to spend every 7th day worshipping Yahweh.

etc.

Eventually, once Yahweh has been properly worshipped, but not idolised, you can get round to not killing, stealing or lying. Jesus then added another commandment: sell everything you have and worship him. You could give your stuff to the church for example. This is called being spiritual and will make you a much better and happier person.

Aren't you glad you sat rivetted to the radio for the last hour waiting for me to arrive.

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Staggeringly Reverend Tom Butler - Bishop of Southwark 
Tuesday, 20 November, 2007, 08:01 AM
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It'sh the queens 60'ish wedding anniversssaaary (hic!). God blesh yer majeshty and all who sail in 'er! She only got the shame ration coupons as every other young bride, yet (hic!) with a little bit of thrift, she managed to turn that into a shilk dresh with thouuuuusands of pearls. What'sh the secret of her maj'sh (hic!) shuccess? It's god of course, plush the odd little weekend at Balmoral, or Shandringham or Windsor - we all need our litttle treatsh (hic!). It'sh god wot makes a good marriage. Her divine majeshty's the proof of that.

So raise your glashes to her (hic!) majeshty the queen!

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Rabbi Lionel Blue 
Monday, 19 November, 2007, 08:04 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I'm now older than my granny was when she died. My faith is different from hers however. Faith must keep pace with the times and we have to throw out some of the aspects that are junk but make sure we keep the jewels. Miracles are probably junk, as is divine revelation via burning bushes and tablets of stone. These days, the invisible magic friend tends to reveal himself via personal reflection and the democratic decision making process. This may seem like an entirely human process, but it's really just the invisible magic friend being a little bit more invisible. So I still have the same faith I've always had, I just can't think of anything specific that god does any more. That's what faith's all about and why it's so terribly, terribly important.

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Archbishop Desmond Tutu 
Sunday, 18 November, 2007, 09:47 AM
Desmond Tutu speaks of his shame over the church's attitude to homosexuality.
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Brian Draper 
Saturday, 17 November, 2007, 11:09 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Hello, Brian Draper here, from the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity, where we equip Christians to engage biblically and relevantly with the issues they face.

I'll be engaging biblically and relevantly with our first choice primary school soon. My little boy, Eden, will soon be handed over to the care of his teachers. He, like all of us, was made in the image of the IMF (that's the Invisible Magic Friend, not the International Monetary Fund). He's not a literal image of course, that would be silly - the IMF is invisible after all - no he's an IMF image in that there's good and bad in him, except that the IMF doesn't have any of the bad bits. But what will come to the fore as he grows into adulthood? Will he become a wild tearaway who gets drunk, sleeps around and does drugs, or will he become a good Christian person like me?

Fortunately, being a good Christian, I'll be able to get him into one of the good schools. This means he'll only be associating with children of other good Christians, or at least children of people who care enough about their education to pretend to be. Thank goodness I can get him into an IMF school. By keeping all the rubbish out they'll be able to nurture the good bits of the IMF's (non-literal) image.

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Rev. Roy Jenkins - Baptist minister 
Friday, 16 November, 2007, 09:01 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Ray Gravell was buried yesterday. He made great contributions to rugby and to Wales, and struggled hard against ill health in his last few years. I remember well how, every time he saw me at the BBC, he would fall on his knees and announce "It's the reverend Roy." The joke never wore thin, for I knew that there was never a hint of irony or mockery in this action and that secretly, Ray was a great admirer of mine. That's why I have no hesitation in saying that, in his generosity and popularity, he was exactly like Jesus. So if you want to be as famous and well-loved as Ray Gravell, remember to follow Jesus.

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Reverend Rosemary Lain-Priestley 
Thursday, 15 November, 2007, 08:11 AM
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Leonard Chesire Disability has laumched a new creature discomforts campaign. The aim is to see past your preconceptions about the disabled and see them as whole people. This is important, which is why I feel the need to point out that Jesus approves of this. If you had any doubts that you should be nice to disabled people then this will surely convince you. Jesus was never nasty to disabled people, so you should reconsider being nasty to them too. Of course, I wouldn't want to turn an excellent opportunity to highlight the needs of the disabled by spending time talking about Jesus. Jesus wouldn't want that, which is why I'm spending so little time talking about Jesus. So let me just emphasise again, Jesus was always nice, not just to disabled people but to short people and Samaritans too. Wasn't Jesus just wonderful?

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