Right Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife  
Tuesday, 15 December, 2009, 08:38 AM - Materialism, Money, Atkins
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

How many times recently have you heard people talking about a carol "concert" rather than a carol "service"? People singing carols in order to enjoy themselves - I really can't think of anything more wicked. You're not supposed to be having a good time, that's not the true meaning of Christmas. You're supposed to be on your knees, worshipping my Invisible Magic Friend. I've even heard people applauding in church - showing their appreciation to performers. It's disgusting I tell you, absolutely disgusting!

When you're singing, or acting, or taking part in any kind of performance, you should be doing it to the glory of the Invisible Magic Friend. That's called being an "amateur" and it's much better than being a professional. In my well rounded education, I was taught piano, art, tennis, all the things that I would need to be an important member of society. Doing things "professionally", in order to make a living out of it, would be so working class. It would be like going into trade.

That's what's wrong with the Western world today, everyone's going around doing things for a living, and when they're not they're enjoying themselves. Poorer countries, with less money, less hope, fewer educational opportunities and less access to good quality healthcare, still have the wisdom to spend most of their time worshipping the Invisible Magic Friend, which is what makes them so much better than you.

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Rev Dr Colin Morris, a Methodist Minister and (coincidentally) former head of religious broadcasting and BBC controller in Northern Ireland  
Monday, 14 December, 2009, 08:05 AM - Morris
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

There's an awful lot of cynicism about these days. There's cynicism about climate change, cynicism about Tiger Woods whom everyone is having such a good time laughing at, at the moment. There's cynicism, bordering on hatred, for bankers. Then there's cynicism that all MPs are fiddling their expenses. I won't mention that some people are cynical about what we faith leaders tell them, but it's kind of implied. Thanks to religion, we know that this is really a good world and it's good to be alive. so stop being such a bunch of cynics and give thanks for scientists, sports stars, MPs and Methodist Ministers.

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His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God 
Sunday, 13 December, 2009, 07:49 AM - Not TFTD
I just wanted to say I'm most terribly upset about all the abuse of children in the Archdiocese of Dublin. There are always a few bad apples that spoil things for everyone else. The contents of the Murphy Report, whose questions we consistently refused to answer, really is most shocking. Truly shocking. Sexual abuse enquiries really must learn to use proper diplomatic channels when contacting important people - I'm very busy you know. I'm also terribly sorry that we tried to prevent access to Church documents. I'm sure you'll understand that the rights of children who have been abused cannot override confidentiality agreements made with the perpetrators.

Who'd have thought that Catholic priests, with no church sanctioned sexual outlet, would turn to abusing children trusted to their care? I mean, tut, tut. And who'd have thought that bishops in Dublin would systematically prioritise the reputation and assets of the Church over and above the welfare of children, just like they did in Boston, Oregon, Los Angeles, Sydney, Newfoundland and Brighton. It really is the most remarkable coincidence, that bishops and cardinals around the world, including myself should all have behaved identically as if they had been instructed to do so by some sort of hierarchy within the Church.

Of course a lot of this is just the normal media campaign against the Catholic Church, but I suppose that's just another cross that we poor, persecuted, victims have to bear. After all, we're no worse than many other churches.

So what exactly is the Catholic Church going to do about all this? Well first of all we're going to have a jolly good pray for all the victims. That should make them all feel much better. Next, I'm personally going to write a nice pastoral letter to all the people of Ireland telling them all how terribly, terribly upset I am. Can't you feel my pain?

Oh, don't bother trying to get me prosecuted though, I have diplomatic immunity.
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Reverend Rob Marshall, an Anglican priest 
Saturday, 12 December, 2009, 08:09 AM - Sport, Marshall
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Has anyone mentioned sport recently? It's been at least a week since I was last on and talked about Handel and his relationship to football. This week we have Tiger Woods discovered being naughty and now on the path to redemption. Tomorrow we have the BBC Sports Personality of the Year, an unmissable televisual feast if ever there was one. Andre Agassi was also doing some confessing this week. "Yes, I confess, I confess! I took drugs. I lied to an independent tribunal to save my career. Now that I've maxed out my earnings and it no longer matters, I confess. You can learn more about my repentance in my autobiography, available from all good booksellers - it's the perfect Christmas gift."

But what does all this have to do with being holy? Jesus was a big sports fan. Who can forget his unforgettable parables drawn from athletics, horse racing and wrestling? Which brings us back to the true meaning of Advent: it's all about sport!

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The Chief Rabbit, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Friday, 11 December, 2009, 08:42 AM - War, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Barack Obama has just received his Nobel peace prize for making the world so peaceful. Nobel instituted the prizes after reading his own mistaken obituary and realising that he would only be remembered as an explosives magnate. He decided he wanted to be remembered for peace.

By complete coincidence, there's a big Jewish festival just starting. This is a celebration of peace when the Maccabees peacefully revolted against the evil Greeks. The Greeks had erected a statue of Zeus in the Temple - can you believe such wickedness? Zeus is not a real god, like our god is, so there was only one possible outcome: war (done in a very peaceful way of course). When we'd expelled the evil statue from our holy Temple, we lit a special peace candle to celebrate the return of peace after we'd won the war.

Today we have to light two holy candles, one for our peaceful expulsion of Zeus pretending to be a proper god, and one for the Sabbath, because the Sabbath means peace. But what if you only have one candle? Is it a Hanukkah candle or a Sabbath candle? These are the kind of profound moral dilemmas that we people of faith must confront and make a decision about. There can be no fudging on such a serious issue as this. When religious protocols of this magnitude come into conflict, the law must provide a clear and unambiguous choice and the choice is this, it is a Sabbath candle. For no matter how peaceful and well intentioned our expulsion of the evil Zeus-worshippers was, the Sabbath, which means peace, is even more important.

It's about time you non-Jews started thinking about being peaceful like us.

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Devastatingly Reverend Lord Professor Bishop Baron Reverend Lord Richard Harries, Baron Pentregarth, Gresham Professor of Divinity, Baron, Bishop, Professor, Lord...  
Thursday, 10 December, 2009, 08:59 AM - Evil, Gibberish, Harries
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Everyone's going bonkers about conkers. But seriously though, life is a risky business. The big question is, why did the all loving, all knowing, all powerful Invisible Magic Friend make the world so hazardous and cruel? Some who are less reverend than me might just say that there are no easy answers, but being the Devastatingly Reverend Lord Professor Bishop Baron that I am, I will quote Dostoyevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov", a book read by clever people like me. "It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return him the ticket," says Ivan the sullen and depressed atheist who eventually goes mad. I think the relevance is clear.

You cannot possibly understand the ways of the Invisible Magic Friend, snivelling, ignorant worm that you are, but I shall endeavour to explain it to you. The Invisible Magic Friend allows cruelty, injustice and random disaster to afflict you because he is a loving father who must allow you to go your own way. Like the mountain climber, you are an adult and have chosen to expose yourself to risk by being alive. So there.

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Dr. Kent Hovind 
Thursday, 10 December, 2009, 06:33 AM - Not TFTD
Someone has done the world of comedy a tremendous service. They've scanned in Kent Hovind's Ph.D. thesis. You know you're in for some fun when it starts:

"Hello, my name is Kent Hovind."

There's no table of contents, but then it wouldn't be much use anyway since there are no page numbers. There's also no list of references, but just quickly looking through it I saw mention of Karl Marx, Charles Lyell, Charles Darwin, Stalin (who amongst other failings, was also one of those nasty evolutionists apparently) and an awful, awful lot of quotes from the Bible.

Just pick a page at random and start reading. It's hilarious stuff. Here's Kent on some other religions.

"Zoroaster was the religion of the Persians that developed about 600 B.C. Darius and Cyrus, who were both mentioned in the Bible were followers of Zoroaster. It is quite possible that the wise men who came to Bethlehem were of this cult. There is no way to prove this for certain. This religion believed that Satan and God were equally powerful, thereby limiting God. This shows that they did not have the right view of God in their theology. This Eastern religion is still prominent today."

So there you go, that's Zoroastrianism for you. On p.82 (according to my PDF viewer) we get this wonderful little gem.

"As I was thinking on this subject, I wrote a poem to try and explain this, comparing blind men and atheists.

Two blind men argued well into the night
about the great question, 'Is there really sight?'
..."

I'll spare you the rest. Suffice to say Dr. Hovind is as great a poet as he is a scholar. This is wonderful stuff. Anytime I'm feeling bored I know exactly where to turn in the next few weeks for a bit of light relief.

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Mona Siddiqui, Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow  
Wednesday, 9 December, 2009, 08:32 AM - Environment, Siddiqui
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Copenhagen Summit is a big deal. I mean it's really big. You just won't believe how mind bogglingly, humungously, stupefyingly big it is. In terms of bigness, it's right up there with the Apollo 8 pictures of Earthrise over the moon. It's at times like these, confronted by something really, really, really BIG, when humanity faces a common threat, when we are drawn together by a common goal, that some of us remain sceptical and others just can't be bothered.

When the Invisible Magic Friend was looking for someone to put in charge of creation, he first asked the mountains. Due to their lack of neurons and generally high degree of being inanimate, they were rather slow to respond, but mankind jumped up and down with its collective hand in the air shouting "Me, me, Me, ME, ME!" So the Invisible Magic Friend said, "Alright, you can be in charge of the universe then, but don't trash it." As Professor of Islamic Studies and Public Understanding and Director of the Centre for the Study of Islam, University of Glasgow, let me just assure you that this is why we must pray to the Invisible Magic Friend to make our leaders agree in Copenhagen, because we were second choice after some lumps of rock to look after the planet.

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The Most Revd and Rt Hon The Lord Archbishop of York, Dr. John Tucker Mugabi Sentamu 
Tuesday, 8 December, 2009, 05:58 PM - Not TFTD
I wish to speak to you today in my capacity as a great moral leader of the Church of England and the Anglican Communion. I am well known for my forthright and outspoken support for good causes. I have joined with the workers of Corus Steelworks to say that I really, really wish they weren't loosing their jobs. In another example of outstanding moral leadership, I have expressed my delight that Kit-Kats are going Fairtrade. Along with my esteemed colleague, the Archbishop of Canterbury, I have offered moral leadership on the issue of swine flu. And in my capacity as a member of the House of Lords, I have raised important moral concerns about the issue of sheep tagging.

I think all of these issues illustrate the importance of the Church today in providing moral leadership in our country and guaranteeing that all people have access to their universal, God given, human rights.

It is with this same brave, fearless regard for what it is right that I have been asked to speak out on the issue of homosexual oppression in Uganda, where already draconian laws are being strengthened to include the death penalty, where those who fail to inform on homosexuals, will themselves be sent to prison. When prejudice and injustice on this scale rears its ugly head, great moral leaders have a duty to make their views knows. So it is with great pride that I say to you mmmnnn... fff... pfff... nnnnn. Yes that's right, once again, the superior morality of the Church of England is heard like a clarion call, instructing the faithful that "...the train now standing at platform 13..." We urge all fair minded citizens to join us, shining a beacon of hope in the darkness of despair. Let us be united in our demand for what is right. I say to the leadership of Uganda, "wooooossssshhhhhhh . . . . . . .".

Thank goodness for the clear and unambiguous moral leadership of archbishops like me.
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Right Awful Anne Atkins - Agonising Aunt and Vicar's Wife  
Tuesday, 8 December, 2009, 08:27 AM - Atkins
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Oscar Wilde, whose works I know from my excellent classical education, quoted from the psalms and if it's good enough for Oscar Wilde (a well known gay author which goes to show how liberal and tolerant I am) then it's certainly good enough for you.

Depression is often related to our relationships and our material well being. Those of us in useful, productive employment, like me, find ourselves getting up in the middle of the night, so that those of you who don't can lie in bed all day feeling lonely. Far be it from me to minimise the seriousness of depression, or to glibly dismiss its consequences, but of lot of depression is really something else.

When a doctor told me I was depressed, he was of course wrong. I was heart broken at my daughter's illness and that's not the same thing at all. People often overlook the good side of depression. What could be better than a good bout of mourning after a bereavement, or a healthy bit of despair at the state of the world?

Has anyone mentioned that it's Advent yet? The true meaning of Advent is about being thoroughly miserable for a month. All you people putting up you Christmas decorations now have got it all wrong. You're not supposed to be cheerful yet. It's only at the end, when the baby Jesus arrives that you're supposed to be happy.

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