The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Monday, 14 November, 2011, 08:06 AM - Interfaith, Sacks
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Aren't interfaith groups just fantastic? It all started during World War II when the Archbishop of Canterbury suddenly had this incredible revelation: why don't we stop killing Jews? Killing Jews, or simply just exiling them, torturing them or forcing them to become Christians, had been a bit of a Christian pastime for the previous 2,000 years. Now that the Nazis were killing Jews in their millions, the Archbishop and a previous Big Chief Rabbi decided enough was enough.

Since then there have been no end of interfaith groups, as people of different faiths try to overcome the religious differences that set them apart from one another in the first place. There are literally thousands of interfaith groups, interfaith meetings (with some very pleasant buffet lunches) and interfaith initiatives. Believe me, I know, I'm being invited to enough of them. They have been so enormously successful that they continue to be needed, thus ensuring a secure supply of buffet lunches for Chief Rabbis and other faith leaders well into the future.

Let me give you an example. A Synagogue in Swansea was vandalised and desecrated. I can't imagine who would want to do such a thing. I mean it's not as if there are any religions left, after all these interfaith meetings, who've still got a grudge against the Jews. Anyway, some people from one of the other nice religions helped us fix it all up again, so that I could reconsecrate it to our particular version of the Invisible Magic Friend.

The interfaith industry: one sector of our economy that looks set to endure for a very long time to come.

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The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Wednesday, 5 October, 2011, 07:15 AM - Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a big Jewish festival coming up. Happy nearly Yon Kipper everyone!

Happily, and by one of those amazing coincidences that always happens, there is a news story that illustrates Yon Kipper perfectly. The Nobel prize for medicine is to be awarded to the dead scientist Ralph Steinman, even though the rules forbid a posthumous award. It reminds us that we need to remember what we want to be remembered for. So I'm not going to mention what Ralph Steinman's work was, how it will help people or why it deserved the ultimate scientific accolade.

Lots of people don't become famous until after their death. Van Gogh lived in poverty but now thousands of people make a very nice living out of buying and selling his works, writing books, giving lectures series and generally milking his talent and reputation for every penny they can get. Van Gogh will be remembered because he gives employment to so many.

On Yon Kipper the Invisible Magic Friend asks, what do you want to be remembered for? I want to be remembered for being the Big Chief Rabbi, but few of you will be remembered, if you're remembered at all, for rising to such exalted ranks. Many of you won't even win a Nobel prize. No, you must be contented with more humble achievements, the little everyday acts of kindness and love, known only to you and the Invisible Magic Friend. Then when you die, you can slip into well deserved obscurity (although if you've done any masterful paintings, be sure to leave them to well deserving art dealer).

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The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Wednesday, 28 September, 2011, 07:14 AM - Economics, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

It's big Jewish festival time - happy Jewish New Year everyone!

Last week I explained how Jewish New Year was about Rupert Murdoch saying "sorry" and always has been. This week I'm going to explain how the Jewish New Year is about solving the Euro economic crisis, and always has been. The Crisis in the Euro, or "Euro crisis" as we economic experts call it, is the biggest crisis in world financial stability since the previous crisis.

The solution to the economic crisis is obvious - don't have one in the first place. You can achieve this by blowing a ram's horn for ten days every year. This tells the Invisible Magic Friend that you've read Nietzsche and are therefore worthy of forgiveness. We know, as an absolute proven fact, as certain as the existence of the Invisible Magic Friend himself, that he will forgive you. Of course sometimes he doesn't forgive you and condemns you for eternity, or throws an enormous divine wobbly and extinguishes all life on earth, but on the whole he's quite a forgiving Invisible Magic Friend.

So, all you spendthrift, sinning, irresponsible liars, it's time to get on your knees and start blowing that horn.

And that is how to solve the Greek debt crisis and reduce Italian government borrowing interest rates.

Happy Jewish New Year everybody!

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The Big Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Wednesday, 21 September, 2011, 07:15 AM - Be nice, Sacks
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

When Rupert Murdoch says "sorry", he really says "sorry". Now, with some recent news out of the way, let's not bother mentioning it from now on.

There's a big Jewish festival coming up. Happy Jewish New Year everybody!

Last year, Jewish New Year was all about scientists not being as clever as theologians. The year before that it was all about blowing rams' horns. The year before that it was all about the markets. And the year before that it was all about how religious rituals make me such a nice guy.

Jewish New Year is all about saying "sorry", and it always has been. If only we could be sorry, I mean really, really sorry for all the bad things we've done, if only people could forgive us for all the bad things we've done - just think what a nice world it would be.

This is what Judaism and Christianity (but not another well known Abrahamic religion) have brought to the world: saying sorry and forgiving. Before Judaism and Christianity (but not another well known Abrahamic religion), people didn't say sorry or forgive one another.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all just get along!

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Friday, 1 July, 2011, 07:02 AM - Sacks
Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Here's something to cheer you up. A lottery winner in Plymouth has won a million pounds and doesn't know it. Whatever's happened, their prize has gone unclaimed. Of course, if you didn't buy a lottery ticket near Plymouth then it definitely isn't you, but it's a cheery story for someone, unless they've died or lost the ticket or something.

Then there's another famous story, of a man who took pity on a rubbish artist and accepted pictures from him in return for hospitality. After they both died, the relatives discovered a fortune in T.S. Lowry pictures in the attic, but then you knew I was going to say that as soon as I said he was a rubbish painter.

So you see, there are all these cheery stories in the world to cheer us up. Yes, you may have lost your job and your pension, but at least you'll live a very long time, even if it is in poverty. Always remember, no matter how bad things are, there's always someone worse off than you. What could be more cheery than that?

As it says in the Big Book of Magic Stuff's song book, thank god I was born an Englishman!

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Friday, 6 May, 2011, 07:43 AM - Bible, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a big Anglican festival just past. Happy four-days-after-the-anniversary-of-the King James Big Book of Magic Stuff everybody!

They used to brutally execute you for translating the Big Book of Magic Stuff into English, but after England decided not to be Catholic any more, the authorities' views on an English Big Book of Magic Stuff changed a bit. King James decided he wanted his very own Big Book of Magic Stuff. Then, thanks to the printing press, everyone who mattered could have a copy. People started to read the Big Book of Magic Stuff and immediately concluded that we needed wars, revolutions, a decapitated king, the Restoration and the Bill of Rights. After that, things began to settle down a bit.

Something similar is happening today in the Arab Spring. Has anyone mentioned the Arab Spring lately? No? Good job I was here then. Thanks to the benefits of Facebook and Twitter, revolutions are taking place in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Bahrain and Syria. This is exactly the same as the Big Book of Magic Stuff being translated into English. So the Arab world can now look forward to a century or so of wars, revolutions, a decapitated king, the Restoration and a Bill of Rights, before things begin to settle down a bit.

In the beginning was Facebook and Twitter, but shortly afterwards was the Invisible Magic Friend. For as we all know, where the Invisible Magic Friend is put in charge, liberty, freedom and democratic accountability soon follow.

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Friday, 29 April, 2011, 07:18 AM - Sacks
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

And now, a brief interlude on The Today Royal Wedding Programme to look at the Royal Wedding from a faith perspective. The Royal Wedding is finally here, the day we've all been waiting for. I know that all of you will be as excited by the Royal Wedding as I am. Of course, I'm actually going to the Royal Wedding and you are not, but never fear, you'll be able to see me on your lowly television sets at the Royal Wedding, along with many other highly important and significant people.

People all over the world will be watching the Royal Wedding. In Libya and Afghanistan, both sides are expected to lay aside their arms and huddle around the TV to see William and Kate kiss on the palace balcony. In Syria and Bahrain, protesters are expected to join government forces to watch the carriage go down The Mall. Hamas and Hezbollah have decreed that they love all Jews everywhere and sure, why not have a state of Israel? In North Korea and Burma, the totalitarian regimes have announced that all people are to celebrate and rejoice, for this is undoubtedly the happiest day, ever.

Investment bankers have revealed that they're going to give all the money back, the government has decreed that we don't have to slash public services, students will get a free education once again, the sick will be cured, prisoners reformed and released, the oppressed will see justice, the hopeless given hope and the meek will finally inherit the earth.

Black holes will stop consuming stars, galaxies will cease to rotate, choirs of angels will descend upon Westminster Abbey, the gates of purgatory will be opened and in heaven itself the Invisible Magic Friend will declare that the summit of his creation has finally been achieved.

Such joy and happiness has never been known before, for this is Britain at it's best

God bless Prince William and Catherine. Thanks to them, everything is now perfect.

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Thursday, 14 April, 2011, 07:52 AM - Lessons of history, Sacks
Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

There's a big Jewish festival coming up. Happy nearly Passover everyone! Passover happened in Egypt, which is right next door to Libya, which is in the news at the moment. Anyway, back to talking about Passover.

The Israelites fight for freedom wasn't like modern day rebellions. Moses' methods were somewhat unintuitive. There were the ten plagues, then the parting of the Red Sea, then the closing of the Red Sea, followed by 40 years wandering in the desert and finished off by the genocide of anyone who happened to get in our way. All without leaving a single identifiable artefact in the archaeological record - another miracle!.

Passover is all about children, unless you happen to be the eldest Egyptian child, when you got to be killed, which just served you right for being Egyptian. Because Passover is such a child friendly celebration, we always get the youngest child to ask the question "googoo, gagga, mama, oo, aaa, tee hee hee", which means, "Why are we celebrating the mass slaughter of innocent children?"

On this same night for 3,000 years, we remember the imaginary enslavement of our nation, the imaginary bitterness of our imaginary oppression, our imaginary fight for freedom and we join in imaginary fellowship with all peoples who seek to break the bonds of their bondage.

In keeping with this message of freedom from the bonds of bitter enslavement and unjustly, oppressive repression, I'd just like to say that education is a marvellous thing.

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Thursday, 7 April, 2011, 07:38 AM - Education, Sacks
Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

The government has announced its plans to increase social mobility. Social mobility is so important, but there is only so much governments can do. Previous governments created the kind of grammar school that I went to, but they're mostly gone now.

Where are the disadvantaged going to get that kind of opportunity today? I was fortunate, I had good parents. Many people have bad parents, which is a shame. My parents wanted me to be something better, and look at me now, Chief Rabbi, Baron Aldgate and a Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr. I've been doctored more times than many of you will have been to Buckingham Palace.

It's often said that it's not what you know but who you know. In other words, you can be the most brilliant, gifted young genius in the country, but if you don't catch the eye of people who are really important you will remain mired in obscurity. You'll be an anonymous nobody, a reject, a worthless, ignominious failure.

Nowadays, where can nobodies, who otherwise have no access to people of quality, mix with their betters and seek to promote their own social advancement? Where else but in our places of worship! Talent may no longer get you into the best school, but you can come along to my synagogue where you will be free to ingratiate yourselves with those who possess the power and the patronage to see you good. Smile at us, make us laugh, flatter us, tell us how wise and generous we are. Do us the odd little favour here and there and who knows what favours we might bless you with in return.

The Big Book of Magic Stuff Part I, when it's not commanding genocide or national enslavement, tells the rich and the powerful to take pity on those who are not our social equals, so sometimes we will.

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The Chief Rabbi, Lord Jonathan Sacks, Baron Aldgate  
Friday, 25 February, 2011, 08:26 AM - Lessons of history, Sacks
Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Well things are certainly happening.

This reminds me of a story from the Big Book of Magic Stuff Part I (the original and still the best Big Book of Magic Stuff).

Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived which is why he built the Temple to the Invisible Magic Friend. Then he got himself 1000 wives, which just goes to show the benefit of being the wisest man who ever lived. Then Solomon died and Rehoboam became king. The people said,

“Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you.”

So Rehoboam went to the wise elders and said.

"What shall I say to the people who say, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you'?"

And the wise elders said,

"Say to the people who say, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you', that you will lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on them, and they will serve you."

But having sought the wise advice of the wise elders, Rehoboam unwisely ignored their wise advice. He went to the less wise youngsters and said,

"The wise elders have said that I should say to the people who say 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you', that I will lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on them, and they will serve me.

"What do you say I should say to the people who say, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you'?"

And the unwise youngsters said,

"Ignore the advice of the wise elders who say you should say to the people who say 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you', that you should lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on them, and they will serve you.

"Say instead to the people who say, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you', that 'My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.'"

Rehoboam unwisely took the unwise advice of the unwise youngsters. He went to the people who said, "Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you," and said,

"Oh people who say, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you', I say unto you, 'My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.'"

And the people who said "Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labour and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you" said,

"Well sod you, we're off to seek freedom under Jeroboam, an alternative hereditary absolute monarch with a slightly different name."

Things never change do they? It's exactly the same today. Well, tut tut.

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