http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120205-094840 Quite a good crop for the start of the year. Rev Canon Dr Alan Billings set the ball rolling with a wonderfully whimsical reflection on the how the past sets the future, but not always and sometimes just a bit, and therefore the embarrassingly candid Book of Ecclesiastes is wrong.

Rev, ex-Canon Dr Giles Fraser gave a totally non-nostalgic history of art and how things were so much better in the past when religion was around to commission all the art.

Rev not-Canon not-Dr John Bell treated us to a patriotic, Saltire waving rendition of Scotland the Brave. The Holy quest for Scottish independence (in a totally not despising the English, or anyone else for that matter, sort of way) begins on Thought For The Day.

Not-even-rev Anne Atkins took the plight of a couple stranded on the Costa Concordia and turned it into a predictable "aren't we all alone, screaming in the dark, looking for the Invisible Magic Friend, bla, bla, bla..."

Rev Dr Dr Prof David Wilkinson did a rerun of the 2009 Platitude of the Year and explained how it was Christianity that solved the problems of Northern Ireland. I appreciate that Rev Dr Dr Prof Wilkinson wasn't even a twinkle in the TFTD producer's eye at that time. Obviously, like all TFTD presenters, he has never actually listened to TFTD so he couldn't have known about Gargantuanly Reverend James Jones, Lord Bishop of Liverpool and Bishop of Prisons' contribution. Nevertheless, just like in the science that Rev Dr Dr Prof Wilkinson is so fond of, precedence is everything. Just like the Nobel Prize, there are no Clemmies for discovering something second.

AAA and giles Fraser, we know can do better. They need to be exceptionally extraordinarily platitudinous even to get a look in these days.

Cannon Billings was more waffly than anything else.

That leaves John Bell as this month's winner. I'm sending the Clemmie north of the border this month, not just because of his unashamed nationalism, but because he, like me, is a member of the God's Chosen People, the Scottish Master Race.

One People! One Scotland! One Alex Salmond!]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120204-091839 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The Big Book of Magic Stuff says to beat your children into submission. This is an instance where the Big Book of Magic Stuff is, of course, wrong. That's why you need people like me around to tell you which bits are right and which bits are wrong. The bits that are right, are the bits that agree with the kind of modern, liberal point of view that I have.

David Lammy, a Christian who is committed, agrees with this wrong bit of the Old Tasty mint. He didn't go to my prep school, where all I remember are the incessant beatings and hot crumpets burning my cheeks with shame. Fortunately, it didn't do me any harm, look at me now.

There seem to be a lot of Christians who think that Christianity is all about the Invisible Magic Friend horribly punishing his visible bit to atone for the sins of mankind, and that this somehow elevates violence as a method of atonement. This is also wrong. My modern, liberal way of thinking tells me it must be wrong and so it is. Just because this is Christianity's unique selling point and pretty much every Christian teacher who has ever lived has said it's true, does not mean it is. True Christianity, real Christianity, my Christianity has got nothing to do with that.

So, in conclusion, all the bits of scripture that tell you to use violence to maintain discipline are wrong, and all the Church Fathers, Popes and theologians who said otherwise weren't really proper Christians.

Won't someone, please, please think of the children.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120203-083935 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Isn't the capitalism of the last three decades just terrible? But before we all relish the scapegoating of Fred Goodwin (Boo! Hiss!), let us look first to the plank in our own eye.

For we are all weak, flawed, worm like things, wallowing in sin, error, stupidity and greed. Which of us has not bought huge multinational banks and crippled the new owner with unserviceable debts? Who amongst us has not at one time paid ourselves tens of millions of pounds, lived a lavish lifestyle and left the resulting financial mess for the taxpayer to sort out?

We cannot ignore our own personal responsibility for the banking crisis. Jesus himself was at pains to point out that we all play our part in the stability of the financial system. His whole life was one of service to others, constantly creating affordable growth portfolios for the prudent investor, performing the kind of miracles that the banking sector could sorely do with today.

A friend of mine who worked in financial services, found that the service element had disappeared and that, shockingly, everyone was just out to make money. Fortunately he had already made enough money himself and was able to retire comfortably, leaving the sordid business of making a profit to others.

It is possible to be both successful and responsible. The motto of a famous American corporation reads "We don't just do this for the money you know." If only financial services companies would learn to be nice corporations like that.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120202-090806 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

When my son was 8 he thought he could communicate with his friend when she wasn't there. Isn't it strange what foolish notions we have when we're young?

Now, through the wonders of modern technology, I am able to speak into this electrical microphone and broadcast to you all over your breakfast.

If you're really good I might throw in a rather entertaining joke about some cave men with a rather amusing punchline en Francais, although I expect some pedantic little nerd somewhere will quibble about my placing cave men only a couple of millennia ago.

I'm currently training the great dane that I bought my husband for Christmas. What I've learned is that I must communicate with the dog so that it understands what I want and learns to obey me. In a sense, you are all like dogs and God is like me, trying to train you to be good little puppies.

That's why the Invisible Magic Friend sent his only begotten puppy to come and yelp at you in the kind of language you understand. Remember, in the beginning was the WOOF!

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120201-082232 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Me and my fellow 4-star generals at Micah Challenge have just finished an intensive strategic planning session about our worldwide, social networking communications infrastructure. With the help of our in-house telecommunications expertise I've learned one really important lesson: this interweb thingy is really big. And it's not just technological wizards like me who are tweeting and doing stuff on Facebook, people in Africa are doing it too.

There are all sorts of stories about good and bad things that happen to people because of Twitter, more than enough to fill up a few minutes with background anecdotes that don't really form any sort of coherent message.

What's really important though is not to make the medium more sacred than the message. This much is always true: it's what people say that is important. A truth remains true, no matter who it is who says it. That's why we Christians completely ignore the fact that it was the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend who said all those various things that he said. The fact that he was the creator of the universe, died and rose from the dead isn't something that we particularly like to emphasise. For Christians, it is always the message and never the medium that is important.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120131-083051 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

I want to suggest to you this morning, the radical idea that things should be more fair. I know that many people think that things should be unfair but I think things should be fair and here is why.

Many great religious leaders have said that things should be fair. For many centuries, leading religious thinkers have thought about this and almost all of them have concluded that things should be fair, rather than unfair.

Consider people who are very, very rich, such as bankers. Undoubtedly being a banker involves great skill. After all, without them, we wouldn't be where we are today, so it should be suitably rewarded. However, it shouldn't be rewarded all that much.

I think I'll mention Jesus at this point. I find that talking about Jesus works rather well at inter-faith buffets and fancy it might go down equally well with Radio 4 audiences. Jesus said that it was easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to get into the kingdom of heaven. I think he was probably referring to bankers' bonuses. He certainly seemed to think that fairness was a good thing.

Now I've got all this way and haven't mentioned any of the gurus, so I think it's about time I did. Guru Nanak thought things should be fair, rather than unfair. I think that just about wraps it up as far as any discussion goes regarding whether things should be fair or unfair.

For all these reasons, Stephen Hester turning down his bonus makes the world a better place by making it fairer. He'll just have to scrape by on his annual salary of £1.2m instead.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120130-094029 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Happy 40th anniversary of Bloody Sunday everyone! After 10 years and £200m, the Saville Inquiry concluded that getting soldiers to shoot unarmed civilians was a bad thing.

There's a famous picture of a priest waving a hanky over a bloody victim on Bloody Sunday. He became a bishop. Then he retired and wrote a book. He said that getting soldiers to shoot unarmed civilians was a bad thing as well.

I knew a Christian couple in Northern Ireland. They weren't Catholic or Protestant, just Christian. They used to talk to both Nationalists and Unionists. We don't call them Catholics or Protestants, that might suggest that there was some sort of religious element to the troubles, which is absurd. Anyway, this young, indeterminate denomination couple used to talk to people of both religions sides. Which just goes to show how nice people of indeterminate denomination Christianity are.

This is how the message of Jesus, the message of peace, was finally brought to Northern Ireland and how religion finally solved that troubled province's purely political troubles.

By coincidence this is also the anniversary of the assassination of Gandhi. He was religious too in a totally non-specific sort of way. He believed in peace, despite the fact that he didn't think that Jesus was the Invisible Magic Friend, which is remarkable really. Fortunately, the assassins of this man of peace were caught and executed.

So you see, peace is actually a very good thing. Any Syrian dictators who are listening to this, this morning, just might want to bear that in mind.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120128-083431 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Don't be ashamed to tell everyone how much money you earn. Have a guess how much money I earn. Did you guess right?

Stephen Hester isn't afraid to tell how much he earns. Who's to say he isn't worth it? His bonus is just a tiny amount of the money he's saved by sacking over 20,000 people. This is a man who earns more in a day than a soldier in Afghanistan earns in a year. That's how dangerous running RBS is!

Don't waste your time being envious of people who are much richer than you. Do you really think that a rich person sleeps easier in bed at night than someone worrying how to pay the gas bill? I mean really? How much is too much anyway? It's all relative, isn't it?

As I said before, I haven't actually read the Big Book of Magic Stuff, but I'm sure it says somewhere not to worry about things like this, to be content with what you have. You don't want to have too little, or too much. People who earn too much have to worry about how to spend their vast excesses of cash. It's a real problem that I don't think poor people properly appreciate.

As long as you have your daily crust of bread, what more could the little listeners of Radio 4 possibly want?

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120127-092104 Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

Would you have done any better than the captain of the Costa Concordia? How would you fair, if, as in the Lord's prayer, you were "put to the test"?

The Novel "Lord Jim" begins in a similar vein, when the novel's title character abandons a ship in distress. He spends the rest of his life trying to restore his belief in himself. He never accepts that he, like many of us, can simply be afraid.

Even those who demonstrate great physical bravery, risking their lives to save others, might not have the moral courage to stand up to dishonesty, or the kind of widespread cultural evil spread by extremism. That kind of bravery is exceptional, like the farm boy from the Sudetenland who wrote.

"Dear parents: I must give you bad news - I have been condemned to death. I and Gustave G. We did not sign up for the SS, and so they condemned us to death.. Both of us would rather die than stain our consciences with such deeds of horror. I know what the SS have to do."

We can only hope that all of us, on this Holocaust Memorial Day, and faced with a similar choice, could search deep within us and draw upon such strength.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120126-092316 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

Many of you will have taken part in am-dram performances of The Bard, although not all of you will have been directed to the professional standards offered by a world famous author, as I have. As I said to another famous writer friend, with a CBE and lifetime achievement award (I don't want to name names, as I can't stand people like that), "Isn't it great to be an amateur who's as good as professional?"

The RSC has taken my advice on this matter and is supporting am-dram groups. Amateurs in many fields are just as good as professionals.

Most children are brought up by complete amateurs who have no qualifications in child rearing whatsoever. The Big Book of Magic Stuff tells us that bringing up children is really important. As Abraham said to Isaac as he was about to sacrifice him to the Invisible Magic Friend, "This is for your own good you know. You'll thank me for this one day."

There's a terrible tendency for people to go around being excellent at things like sport these days. My son, and I don't wish to use my privileged position here to complain, was prevented from playing rugby, purely on the grounds that he wasn't good enough. That's not the way Jesus did things. Look at his disciples. They were rubbish, a tradition that has been maintained by the Apostolic Succession ever since.

Listen]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120125-171430 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

The PM wants the European Court of Human Rights to stop poking its nose into human rights.

This is a complex, legal, religious and moral issue that I don't have time to explain to you fully. Humans having rights is of course a very good thing indeed. Great fan of human rights. We were all created in the image of the the Invisible Magic Friend and so have exactly the same rights as he has.

Some religious people, who shall remain anonymous for the moment, aren't too sure about people having human rights. All too often these so-called human rights courts seem to forget about religions' rights to persecute and censor whoever they like. They, these anonymous people whom I'm not going to mention by name, regard this attempt to impose human rights as just another form of western imperialism that Radio 4 listeners should feel suitably guilty about.

Having said that, there are a lot of people who live under regimes that don't allow freedom of religion, a fundamental human right. That's one human right that should definitely be respected. You don't have to feel guilty about western imperialism for defending freedom of religion.

And now for various random phrases and quotations from the Big Book of Magic Stuff...

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120124-090628 Rating 1 out of 5 (Not platitudinous)

As the son of a Jewish refugee, I am well aware that nationalism can be a very bad thing indeed. Then again, living in Wales, I am also aware that nationalism can be a very good thing indeed. That's why we have to be wary of the Centre for Cities report that suggests that the unemployed might like to move to where there are jobs.

Wales is rightly proud of its former mining industry, its former steel industry and its former industry in general. It is unthinkable that people might move away to lands with fewer and fewer male voice choirs and that are often bereft of close harmony singing.

People here are part of a community. They knew their fathers and their fathers' fathers and their fathers' fathers' fathers.

This is nationalism in a totally non-tribal, inclusive and tolerant way. It isn't a label that is used to define a complete identity. Subscribing too narrowly to any label restricts rather than defines a person's identity.

There, and I didn't mention meditation once - oh bother.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120123-085358 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Year of the Dragon everyone!

This is a time for gifts and family and happiness and optimism. Children born this year will be wealthy and wise and so the Chinese will have many more babies this year.

In Chinese mythology (and let us not forget, it is just a rather quaint mythology) the dragon is not a fire breathing monster with a diet consisting largely of virgins, the dragon is is an ancient protector of the poor.

We all need a protector of some sort, a comfort blanket, something to hold onto when we feel alone and afraid in the big scary world, something greater than us who'll be able to deal with the misfortunes that life may throw at us.

Here in Durham we've been singing Christmas carols. Yes, there's only 49 weeks to go until Christmas. Unlike the silly Chinese with their imaginary dragons, we have the real saviour of the world, the visible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend.

The book Religion for Atheists (available from all good book-stores and a certain well known online retailer) points out all the good things that religion does while dismissing all the silly superstitious bits. What the author fails to realise is that we need the silly superstitious bits, whether it's dragons or the baby Jesus.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120121-080128 Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Brian here, in Southampton, an associate lecturer at the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity where we envision and equip Christians and their churches for whole-life missionary discipleship in the world, seek to serve them with biblical frameworks, practical resources, training and models so that they flourish as followers of Jesus and grow as whole-life disciplemaking communities. Hi.

Kodak going bankrupt marks the end of a long era in which many of us grew up. It brings memories of photographic memories, of waiting for films to be developed at the chemist and returned to us before being excitedly viewed and placed in the photo album.

But the world moves on. As Isaiah once said, "The world moves on." That's why religion is never stuck in the past and never acts as a highly conservative force to prevent anything ever changing.

If you yearn for the past, remember that one day, today will be the past and you'll then be able to yearn for today. Then you can truly say that nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120120-085434 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Han Gi-duk and Chung Hae-jin were on their honeymoon on the Costa Concordia when the ship ran aground. They were alone for 30 hours in the dark, screaming and blowing their whistles, before they were found by rescue teams.

None of us want to be alone in the dark, screaming. The question is always raised, are we alone in the cosmos? Of course the answer is no, we have the Invisible Magic Friend. They seek him here, they seek him there, the Invisible Magic Friend is everywhere. People buy books about the Invisible Magic Friend. They look for him on the internet but so far he has declined to start a Facebook page.

C.S. Lewis, a cleverer person than you, believed in the Invisible Magic Friend. Lots of people in the Old Tasty mint discovered the Invisible Magic Friend.

The Judeo-Christian Invisible Magic Friend (but not the Invisible Magic Friend of another well known Abrahamic religion that we don't talk about) likes to sneak up on you in the dark while you're asleep. He'll kill you and then demand if you believed in him or not, and boy are you in trouble if you haven't believed in him.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120119-082254 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)

The Artist has turned out to be a surprise success story. It's a movie that reminds us that words are not the only way to communicate. A great deal can be conveyed by facial expression. Take the exchange of glances between Sarkozy and Merkel when asked about Berlusconi.

Then there was a widow, only a few years into her bereavement, who said "I can't picture his face any more." It added to her grief.

Which brings me effortlessly onto everyone's favourite founder of Christianity, Saint Paul. He said that when he dies and goes to heaven, as he most surely would, he'd get to see a great big smile on the face of the Invisible Magic Friend. What's totally unique about Christianity is that the Invisible Magic Friend (whom we refer to as "The Word" because it sounds more mysterious and profound and theological and stuff, and definitely a whole load better than "Invisible Magic Friend" does) briefly became visible and is believed to have made some facial expressions. Although no one thought to sketch them at the time so they mainly just wrote down his words.

You get people who just like to look at statues of "The Word" on the cross. There isn't much in the way of verbal communication in these exchanges and the statue generally has a fairly fixed expression, but I think one expression is better than none at all, don't you?

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120118-080721 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous)

Noo it widney be right fur me tae come own here makin political or nationilistic points, but the Inveesible Magic Freend waants Scotland tae be independint. It's in the Big Book ae Magic Stuff

D'ye know thirs folks oot there that take the mickey oot a a Glesgy accent? Wid ye credit it? Well we've goat oor pride ye know. Wir no aw like Rab C. Nesbitt. 'N we've goat religion anaw - plenty ae it.

Thirs awe sorts ae stuff that we dae diffrintly fae yoo. Wir no as brazenly money grubbin as you lot ur. Wiv goat a bit ae a social conscience up here. In ye know wit? It's a HOLY thing this struggle tae be independint ae yoo English. Wir gonnae be liberated at last. Wir gonnae be at one wae muther irth.

So ye can take yer Rule Brittania and stuff it up yer nuclear deterent.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120117-091859 Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)

Let me see if I can find a news story about happiness. Oh yes, here's one. There, that's that out of the way.

Happiness? Did someone mention happiness? I was totally unprepared to talk about that but, hey, I'll give it a go.

Buddhism has a lot to say about happiness. You see, it's trying to be happy that makes you unhappy. We all prefer to be happy rather than unhappy and in trying to be happy we make ourselves unhappy.

I think I'll change the word to "pleasure" and try that again. We all like pleasant things and in trying to acquire pleasant things we make things unpleasant.

We don't like frustration and misery. Frustration and misery make us frustrated and miserable which is a frustrating and miserable way to be.

We don't have to be frustrated and miserable and depressed. By not seeking any of the things that make us frustrated and miserable and depressed, we won't be frustrated and miserable and depressed.

It is human nature to seek happiness and avoid unhappiness. Happiness makes us happy and unhappiness makes us unhappy.

We, and by we I do of course mean you, must change our behaviour. "Things" do not make us happy. Happiness makes us happy. So seeking happiness through "things" will not make you happy, since only happiness can make you happy.

If you expect life to make you happy then you're going to be disappointed. Only by realising that life makes you unhappy will you truly by happy.

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120116-085925 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)

Happy Blue Monday everyone!

But I know that well educated Radio 4 listeners don't believe in pseudo-scientific nonsense like that. How about some astronomy on the telly. Isn't the universe just amazing? It's so big. Do you know who I think of when I see how big the universe is? Go on, guess. No, you'll never get it, it's the Invisible Magic Friend!

Science-and-faith both think the universe is amazing. A 3,000 year old poet agrees with me. "Oh, everything is sooooo BIG. Thank you, thank you, Invisible Magic Friend, for making all this just for me!"

Christians, with their hearsay evidence written down 30 years after the totally amazing resurrection, are just like astronomers. Science-and-faith are always saying how big it all is. Lovell called it "immensity", with is a bigger word for "big" and so makes it sound as if I'm saying something different and not just constantly repeating myself. He mentioned the Invisible Magic Friend too which further legitimises science-and-faith.

Science-and-faith can't answer everything of course, but still science-and-faith both say everything is very, very, very big. This makes science-and-faith very exciting as both agree about the overall bigness of it all. So I'll be cheering myself up by looking at some stars, confident that science-and-faith both say how very big it all is.

Did I mention that science-and-faith say how bit big it all is?

Listen/Read]]> http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120115-101412 The conclave has reached its conclusion. White smoke appears over Southend-on-Sea. Habemus POTY!

First of all, a great vote of thanks to all of my faithful congregation, who have provided such excellent advice, both regarding the 2011 POTY and throughout the year. We have been truly blessed with platitudes by the BBC's Holy Department of Religion. At this special time of year, please think of all those countries whose state broadcasters have no such holy department to interrupt their breakfast news programme with a daily platitude. We tend to take this for granted and sometimes forget just how fortunate we are.

As always I have given the serious question of this year's POTY much thought. With your prayers and guidance, I have meditated at length on who is worthy enough to be crowned POTY 2011. I know that some will be disappointed by the outcome. There can only be one POTY. I want you all to know that, just because your own esteemed favourite may not have been chosen, this does not mean that they were not blessed by the particularly invisible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend. I think we can all agree that each of the twelve Clemmie winners in 2011 would have made a splendid POTY.

We have been befuddled by the astounding gibberish of Anne Atkins, amazed by the historical revisionism of Joel Edwards, inspired by the genital mutilation of the Baron Lord Big Chief Rabbi, dazzled by the mental compartmentalism of Rev Prof Dr Dr Wilkinson. In the end though, I think we must all think of the children. Will a Catholic priest put the welfare of children before the protection afforded another priest in the confessional?

Of course he won't!

Once again, simply by stating the official policy of the Roman Catholic Church, the Platitude Of the year 2011 goes to:

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