Skip to main content Text Only version of this page
Access keys help
Home
TV
Radio
Talk
Where I Live
A-Z Index

Today
Accessibility help
Text only


  Rel & More Rel Homepage
  Religions
  Ethics
  Propaganda
  News
  Interactive

Contact Us

Like this page?
Send it to a friend!

 
 Platitude of the Day
 BBC Radio 4 92 - 95 FM (198 LW)
We at the department of Religion & More Religion, recognise that only those who commune with the Invisible Magic Sky Pixie can possibly have any morality. Atheists, agnostics, humanists and other amoral non-believers are therefore excluded from the pure and godly Platitude of the Day, broadcast Monday to Saturday at 07.45 (but obviously not Sundays). For your further edification and spiritual improvement, we therefore present these concise, bite-size summaries of the wisdom of our presenters.
 A whole month of platitudes - Dec 2005
 
For the latest platitudes visit http://www.platitudes.org.uk/

  Saturday, 31 Dec 2005
 Presenter Rhidian Brook
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary All year I've promised to do something about AIDS, ever since it was mentioned on the Vicar of Dibley. But what with me making a documentary and winning a commission at Cannes, I've just been too busy. Well, I'm finally off. So unlike you lot I'm actually doing something about AIDS. I was once lazy and uncaring like you, but "I'm now a respectable chap and I shine with a virtue resplendent." *
* With apologies to W.S. Gilbert
 Audio (3m 18s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 30 Dec 2005
 Presenter John Sentamu
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary From the holy book of the Jedi: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side." As long as it's God's darkness, that's OK. Christmas means night is as good as day. Nelson Mandela, quoting someone nearly as famous, said light can be scary too. This thought helped me survive beatings by Idi Amin and London petrol bombs in my kitchen. Thank God for His love.
 Audio (2m 31s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 29 Dec 2005
 Presenter Giles Fraser
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary My rubbish is full of broken toys and leftover food. Lots of people have no toys and no food. I feel terribly guilty about this. I've got a warn house and flu remedies. Lots of people have no house and need AIDS drugs. I feel terribly guilty about this too. I feel guilty about feeling guilty and not doing anything about the world's problems. People ought to stop feeling guilty, like me, and DO SOMETHING. I feel so guilty about not doing anything.
 Audio (2m 45s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 28 Dec 2005
 Presenter Rabbi Lionel Blue
 Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous).
 Summary Don't give expensive presents. Offer something from yourself: your company, a complement, friendship. Don't worry if your present is rejected or misunderstood. If you buy your mum a parrot to keep her company, and she tells you it was delicious, don't be upset.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 27 Dec 2005
 Presenter Rev. Angela Tilby
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Just because Christmas is past doesn't mean we can stop talking about God. Oh no, there's lots more where that came from. Take SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. It's the biggest, the most repetitive, the most deadly dull, and therefore the best of the four. Yep, it's SAINT JOHN'S Gospel for me every time. God I love SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. I even met a Hindu woman once that loved SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. Everyone loves SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. I just can't get enough of it.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 26 Dec 2005
 Presenter Rev. Dr. Alan Billings
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Lots more people go to church at Christmas. This is because Christmas is a great story about babies and shepherds, and wise men, and ordinary people who aren't even doctors, much less reverend doctors. Before Jesus there were slaves and rich people, but after Jesus everyone is equal. Christianity invented women's rights too. Before Jesus there weren't any women's rights, but Mary had to invent women's rights so that she could give birth without doing you-know-what. And that's why everyone in this country (well less than half), want to celebrate Christmas in church.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 24 Dec 2005
 Presenter Cormac Murphy-O'Connor
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Baby Jesus cries a lot. He cries for AIDS orphans - isn't it just awful how all those people having extra-marital sex get AIDs and die? He cries for everyone killed in his birthday tsunami last year. I'm off to a nice, warm, sunny Sri Lanka for a few days to be really useful to its victims, but don't worry, I'll be back for Epiphany, just like the three wise men. Isn't all the suffering and poverty and injustice in the world terrible? But don't worry, when baby Jesus arrives tonight everything will be much better, just like last year.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 23 Dec 2005
 Presenter Jonathon Sacks
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Christians have hated Jews for nearly two thousand years. They've accused them of all sorts of horrible things - like desecrating hosts. Christians have lied about them, bullied them, expelled them and murdered them. But two hundred years ago, English Christians started being nicer to Jews, and nowadays Christians and Jews are best of friends. Other religions have not yet reached this enlightened state, but maybe in another few hundred, or maybe a few thousand years, they'll learn to stop hating and killing one another too.
 Audio (2m 52s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 22 Dec 2005
 Presenter Angela Tilby
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Intelligent Design has just been banned in America. Well I never really believed it anyway. When I read Genesis I see the Big Bang, the solar system forming, the rise of vertebrates, and finally me - it's all there in chapter one. God doesn't do it the way creationists say. I'll tell you how God does it, He does it like this. He intervenes in blind chance so that small stupid things evolve into big intelligent things. So Darwin's theory actually proves that God exists by showing that He isn't necessary. QED. So hurry along to your local manger and start worshiping that baby and that ass.
 Audio (2m 52s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 21 Dec 2005
 Presenter Richard Chartres
 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous). Our congratulations to the Bishop of London on the most condescending platitude so far.
 Summary We Christians demand that you celebrate the shortest day the way we tell you to! You can have your Yuletide and your Winterval and all your other pagan festivals, but at the end of it you'll still be a bunch of pessimistic, cynical, jaded, materialistic workaholics. Tsunami victims have more optimism than you lot. We Christians will be holy and will fast before the feast. We will emerge renewed, bright, shining, optimistic and loving, into the peaceful, perfect world that arrives after the birth of Christ. So Merry Christmas to real people and raspberies to the rest of you.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 20 Dec 2005
 Presenter Oliver McTernan
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
 Summary In earthquake torn Pakistan we see poor people struggling to be educated. This is good, but parents also do the same in the UK. They wickedly try to get their children a good education and good jobs. Children selfishly pursue material goods, such as food, shelter and medicine. This unbridled hedonism ignores their true value as God's creations. Enough of literature, music and science. Let's teach them something really useful, like the bible.
 Audio (2m 53s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 19 Dec 2005
 Presenter Colin Morris
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
 Summary Being blown up on the tube is a bad thing. Laws to catch bad people also catch: hecklers of the PM; people who read out the names of the war dead; and those who wear anti-war T-shirts. Jesus, in his Big Book of Gardening Tips said to weed carefully.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 17 Dec 2005
 Presenter Roy Jenkins
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
 Summary The people of Iraq have voted, and probably for a good, godly, government instead of one of those awful secular, liberal things. Some say that religious governments have a poor track record, but they forget that democracy comes from God. With God directing president Bush, and the Ayatollahs controlling Iran and Iraq, what could possibly go wrong? Jesus would've loved it.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 16 Dec 2005
 Presenter Jonathon Sacks
 Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)
 Summary The Iranian president says the Holocaust is a myth. He's doing this to distract people from Iran's internal problems. Anti-semitism is on the rise. We shouldn't hate people just because they are different. In fact, if we want to be truly free, we must let go of hate. Moses said to be nice to our enemies.
 Audio (2m 49s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 15 Dec 2005
 Presenter Oliver McTernan
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
 Summary French farmers are poor and don't get any holidays, but people in poor countries are even poorer. We should all sacrifice something to help people in poor countries, even French farmers. We know we should do this because the Jewish prophets told us to be nice to poor people. The prophet Amos was particularly keen that we don't sell poor people in order to purchase footwear.
 Audio (2m 49s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 14 Dec 2005
 Presenter Indarjit Singh
 Rating 2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous)
 Summary Torturing people is bad. Tying people up naked and threatening them with vicious dogs is bad. Holding them without charge, evidence or due process is bad. If we're to win hearts and minds we should be true to our own principles. Without gods and gurus you'd never have figured that out, would you?
 Audio (2m 37s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 13 Dec 2005
 Presenter Elaine Storkey
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
 Summary Britain is run by the people the bible calls mighty, or possibly by the biblical meek - who'll inherit the earth eventually - but in the meantime it's the mighty. The mighty were toppled by Jesus - that sorted them out. But we still have a few mighty people around. What's really important is that mighty people should believe in God, 'cos believers are peaceful, thoughtful and truthful, like George Bush and Tony Blair.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 12 Dec 2005
 Presenter Colin Morris
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
 Summary Isn't that big black cloud over London just awful. Pollution is a bad thing, but some Christians think it is a good thing. It heralds the end of the world and the coming of Christ. Then there are "environmentalists" that think all life is sacred. Phew - what a bunch of loonies. All us proper Christians, and Jews and Muslims too, are much more sensible. We are made in God's image. which means: "We are guardians of planet Earth and all the life on it and know how to decide what is right for it as if we were God, which of course we can't be." So aren't you just lucky we're around!
 Audio (3m 1s)
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 10 Dec 2005
 Presenter Johnston McMaster
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous - bordering on the hilarious)
 Summary The Queen and the President of Ireland shook hands on Irish soil on Thursday. Both women share a deep Christian faith, which is why they're being nice to each other. They represent the justice, peace and reconciliation that we see all over Northern Ireland nowadays. Christianity is the future, the way forward. Without Christianity where would Northern Ireland be?
 Audio (2m 33s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 09 Dec 2005
 Presenter Jonathon Sacks
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
 Summary I loved the Beatles when I was young and idealistic. Now I stay in the same hotel they used in New York. Which reminds me that music is just like religion: based on emotion. Religious apologists have always known this, which is why we have emotional tunes during services. It helps make people think they're getting their emotional buzz from god.
 Audio (2m 36s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 08 Dec 2005
 Presenter Everyone's favourite - Anne Atkins
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous)
 Summary There are too many rules stopping Christians from singing carols and wearing crucifixes. It's political correctness gone mad. Too many people just sit around all day making rules and enforcing them. They should do something more useful, like me. I've written a new book, available from all good booksellers, and I'm clever because I've heard of Aristophanes. I think everyone should be forced to get married. There should be more rules about this and more people enforcing them. And here's a gratuitous reference to St. Paul so I can pretend there's something vaguely religious about all this. BUY MY BOOK!!!!
 Audio (2m 44s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 07 Dec 2005
 Presenter Indarjit Singh
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
 Summary Dame Elizabeth Butler-Schloss says the government is undermining marriage. By coincidence she said this on the day that gay and lesbian civil partnerships were legalised. Marriage is a good thing - it makes families. All the sikh gurus were married. Although it's OK not to be married, even if it would be better to be married. There's nothing wrong with not being married, except that if everyone didn't marry society would fall apart. I really, honestly, don't mind people not being married.
 Audio (2m 42s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 06 Dec 2005
 Presenter Tom Butler
 Rating Don't know, have no idea what he's talking about.
 Summary Cars don't move without good wheels. Governments need good oppositions. The bible says government is good. Saint Paul was a big fan of the Roman Empire right up 'till it executed him. Opposition used to be by prophets, now it has to be the Tory party.
 Audio (2m 40s)
 ScriptRead it
 Monday, 05 Dec 2005
 Presenter Colin Morris
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudonous)
 Summary Bad people are being flown around the world and being tortured. But some of these people will be good people. Jesus says we shouldn't do this to good people, and since Jesus built the West, we should listen to him. Every time you torture an innocent victim you torture baby Jesus.
 Audio (2m 50s)
 Script Read it
 Saturday, 03 Dec 2005
 Presenter Johnston McMaster
 Rating 1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all)
 Summary George Best was at the height of his talent during the worst of the troubles in Northern Ireland, showing a different view of the province. His funeral today unites Catholics and Protestants in a way no politician or church leader can. The affection shown illustrates our need for our heroes to be flawed.
 Audio (2m 52s)
 Script Read it
 Friday, 02 Dec 2005
 Presenter Alan Billings
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous)
 Summary Religious people generally hate one another. However the CofE now has a black archbishop, which shows we don't hate black people. Some people do hate black people, like the murderers of young Anthony Walker. Anthony's parents are nice and forgiving, which they couldn't have been if they weren't Christians.
 Audio (3m 0s)
 Script Read it
 Thursday, 01 Dec 2005
 Presenter Anne Atkins
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudonous)
We would also like to commend this presenter for being outstandingly pompous and patronising. Well done Anne!
 Summary C.S. Lewis' works are either admired or hated. Some of his detractors are academics and authors who weren't as good or as famous as him, but mostly it is hated by people who are damned. We, good, saved, people all love him.
 Audio (2m 51s)
 Script Read it
 Top
You will need Realplayer to hear audio on this page. Please note that you can download RealPlayer 8 Basic for free. Should you need further help, please visit our help pages.
  A-Z of Programmes
 
  Search the schedules
What's On? Search the BBC schedules
  Have your say
Message boards
  World service
BBC World Service - religious programmes
 Listen again
 Thought For The Day
 Monday to Saturday
 07:45 - 07:48 Radio 4
listen Again
 Daily Service
 Weekdays
 09:45 - 10:00 Radio 4
listen Again
 Sunday
 Sundays
 07:10 - 07:53 Radio 4
listen again