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Platitude of the Day BBC Radio 4 92 - 95 FM (198 LW) |
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We at the department of Religion & More Religion, recognise that only those who commune with the Invisible Magic Sky
Pixie can possibly have any morality. Atheists, agnostics, humanists and other amoral non-believers are therefore
excluded from the pure and godly Platitude of the Day, broadcast Monday to Saturday at 07.45 (but obviously not Sundays).
For your further edification
and spiritual improvement, we therefore present these concise, bite-size summaries of the wisdom of our presenters.
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A whole month of platitudes - Dec 2005 |
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Saturday, 31 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Rhidian Brook |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
All year I've promised to do something about AIDS, ever since it was mentioned
on the Vicar of Dibley. But what with me making a documentary and winning a
commission at Cannes, I've just been too busy. Well, I'm finally off. So
unlike you lot I'm actually doing something about AIDS. I was once lazy and
uncaring like you, but "I'm now a respectable chap and I shine with a virtue resplendent." *
* With apologies to W.S. Gilbert
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Audio |
(3m 18s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 30 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
John Sentamu |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
From the holy book of the Jedi: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate,
hate leads to the dark side." As long as it's God's darkness, that's OK.
Christmas means night is as good as day. Nelson Mandela, quoting someone
nearly as famous, said light can be scary too. This thought helped me
survive beatings by Idi Amin and London petrol bombs in my kitchen. Thank
God for His love.
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Audio |
(2m 31s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 29 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Giles Fraser |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
My rubbish is full of broken toys and leftover food. Lots of people have
no toys and no food. I feel terribly guilty about this. I've got a warn
house and flu remedies. Lots of people have no house and need AIDS drugs.
I feel terribly guilty about this too. I feel guilty about feeling guilty
and not doing anything about the world's problems. People ought to stop
feeling guilty, like me, and DO SOMETHING. I feel so guilty about not doing
anything.
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Audio |
(2m 45s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 28 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Rabbi Lionel Blue |
Rating |
2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous). |
Summary |
Don't give expensive presents. Offer something from yourself: your company,
a complement, friendship. Don't worry if your present is rejected or
misunderstood. If you buy your mum a parrot to keep her company, and she
tells you it was delicious, don't be upset.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuesday, 27 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Rev. Angela Tilby |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Just because Christmas is past doesn't mean we can stop talking about God.
Oh no, there's lots more where that came from. Take SAINT JOHN'S Gospel.
It's the biggest, the most repetitive, the most deadly dull, and therefore
the best of the four. Yep, it's SAINT JOHN'S Gospel for me every time. God
I love SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. I even met a Hindu woman once that loved SAINT
JOHN'S Gospel. Everyone loves SAINT JOHN'S Gospel. I just can't get enough
of it.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 26 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Rev. Dr. Alan Billings |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Lots more people go to church at Christmas. This is because Christmas
is a great story about babies and shepherds, and wise men, and
ordinary people who aren't even doctors, much less reverend doctors.
Before Jesus there were slaves and rich people, but after Jesus
everyone is equal. Christianity invented women's rights too. Before
Jesus there weren't any women's rights, but Mary had to invent women's
rights so that she could give birth without doing you-know-what. And
that's why everyone in this country (well less than half), want to
celebrate Christmas in church.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Saturday, 24 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Cormac Murphy-O'Connor |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Baby Jesus cries a lot. He cries for AIDS orphans - isn't it just awful how all
those people having extra-marital sex get AIDs and die? He cries for everyone
killed in his birthday tsunami last year. I'm off to a nice, warm, sunny Sri
Lanka for a few days to be really useful to its victims, but don't worry, I'll
be back for Epiphany, just like the three wise men. Isn't all the suffering
and poverty and injustice in the world terrible? But don't worry, when baby
Jesus arrives tonight everything will be much better, just like last year.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 23 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Jonathon Sacks |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Christians have hated Jews for nearly two thousand years. They've accused them of
all sorts of horrible things - like desecrating hosts. Christians have lied about
them, bullied them, expelled them and murdered them. But two hundred years ago,
English Christians started being nicer to Jews, and nowadays Christians and Jews
are best of friends. Other religions have not yet reached this enlightened state,
but maybe in another few hundred, or maybe a few thousand years, they'll learn
to stop hating and killing one another too.
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Audio |
(2m 52s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 22 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Angela Tilby |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Intelligent Design has just been banned in America. Well I never really believed
it anyway. When I read Genesis I see the Big Bang, the solar system forming, the
rise of vertebrates, and finally me - it's all there in chapter one. God doesn't
do it the way creationists say. I'll tell you how God does it, He does it like
this. He intervenes in blind chance so that small stupid things evolve into big
intelligent things. So Darwin's theory actually proves that God exists by showing
that He isn't necessary. QED. So hurry along to your local manger and start
worshiping that baby and that ass.
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Audio |
(2m 52s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 21 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Richard Chartres |
Rating |
5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous). Our
congratulations to the Bishop of London on the most condescending
platitude so far. |
Summary |
We Christians demand that you celebrate the shortest day the way we
tell you to! You can have your Yuletide and your Winterval and all
your other pagan festivals, but at the end of it you'll still be a
bunch of pessimistic, cynical, jaded, materialistic workaholics.
Tsunami victims have more optimism than you lot. We Christians will
be holy and will fast before the feast. We will emerge renewed,
bright, shining, optimistic and loving, into the peaceful, perfect
world that arrives after the birth of Christ. So Merry Christmas to
real people and raspberies to the rest of you.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuesday, 20 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Oliver McTernan |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous) |
Summary |
In earthquake torn Pakistan we see poor people struggling to be educated. This is good, but parents
also do the same in the UK. They wickedly try to get their children a good education and
good jobs. Children selfishly pursue material goods, such as food, shelter and
medicine. This unbridled hedonism ignores their true value as God's creations.
Enough of literature, music and science. Let's teach them something really useful,
like the bible.
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Audio |
(2m 53s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 19 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Colin Morris |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous) |
Summary |
Being blown up on the tube is a bad thing. Laws to catch bad people
also catch: hecklers of the PM; people who read out the names of the
war dead; and those who wear anti-war T-shirts. Jesus, in his Big Book
of Gardening Tips said to weed carefully.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Saturday, 17 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Roy Jenkins |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous) |
Summary |
The people of Iraq have voted, and probably for a good, godly, government instead of
one of those awful secular, liberal things. Some say that religious governments have a
poor track record, but they forget that democracy comes from God. With God directing
president Bush, and the Ayatollahs controlling Iran and Iraq, what could possibly go
wrong? Jesus would've loved it.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 16 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Jonathon Sacks |
Rating |
1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all) |
Summary |
The Iranian president says the Holocaust is a myth. He's doing this to
distract people from Iran's internal problems. Anti-semitism is on the
rise. We shouldn't hate people just because they are different. In
fact, if we want to be truly free, we must let go of hate. Moses said
to be nice to our enemies.
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Audio |
(2m 49s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 15 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Oliver McTernan |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous) |
Summary |
French farmers are poor and don't get any holidays, but people in poor countries
are even poorer. We should all sacrifice something to help people in poor countries,
even French farmers. We know we should do this because the Jewish prophets told us
to be nice to poor people. The prophet Amos was particularly keen that we don't
sell poor people in order to purchase footwear.
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Audio |
(2m 49s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 14 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Indarjit Singh |
Rating |
2 out of 5 (A little platitudinous) |
Summary |
Torturing people is bad. Tying people up naked and threatening them with vicious dogs is bad.
Holding them without charge, evidence or due process is bad. If we're to win hearts and minds
we should be true to our own principles. Without gods and gurus you'd never have figured that out, would you?
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Audio |
(2m 37s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuesday, 13 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Elaine Storkey |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous) |
Summary |
Britain is run by the people the bible calls mighty, or possibly by the biblical meek
- who'll inherit the earth eventually - but in the meantime it's the mighty. The mighty
were toppled by Jesus - that sorted them out. But we still have a
few mighty people around. What's really important is that mighty people should believe
in God, 'cos believers are peaceful, thoughtful and truthful, like George Bush and Tony Blair.
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Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 12 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Colin Morris |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous) |
Summary |
Isn't that big black cloud over London just awful. Pollution is a
bad thing, but some Christians think it is a good thing. It heralds
the end of the world and the coming of Christ. Then there
are "environmentalists" that think all life is sacred. Phew - what a
bunch of loonies. All us proper Christians, and Jews and Muslims
too, are much more sensible. We are made in God's image. which
means: "We are guardians of planet Earth and all the life on it and
know how to decide what is right for it as if we were God, which of
course we can't be." So aren't you just lucky we're around!
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Audio |
(3m 1s) |
Script | Read it
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Saturday, 10 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Johnston McMaster |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous - bordering on the hilarious) |
Summary |
The Queen and the President of Ireland shook hands on Irish soil on
Thursday. Both women share a deep Christian faith, which is why
they're being nice to each other. They represent the justice, peace
and reconciliation that we see all over Northern Ireland nowadays.
Christianity is the future, the way forward. Without Christianity
where would Northern Ireland be?
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Audio |
(2m 33s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 09 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Jonathon Sacks |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous) |
Summary |
I loved the Beatles when I was young and idealistic. Now I stay in the
same hotel they used in New York. Which reminds me that music is just
like religion: based on emotion. Religious apologists have always
known this, which is why we have emotional tunes during services. It
helps make people think they're getting their emotional buzz from god.
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Audio |
(2m 36s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 08 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Everyone's favourite - Anne Atkins |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous) |
Summary |
There are too many rules stopping Christians from singing carols and wearing crucifixes.
It's political correctness gone mad. Too many people just sit around all day making rules
and enforcing them. They should do something more useful, like me. I've written a new book,
available from all good booksellers, and I'm clever because I've heard of Aristophanes.
I think everyone should be forced to get married. There should be more rules about this and
more people enforcing them. And here's a gratuitous reference to St. Paul so I can pretend
there's something vaguely religious about all this. BUY MY BOOK!!!!
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Audio |
(2m 44s) |
Script | Read it |
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Wednesday, 07 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Indarjit Singh |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous) |
Summary |
Dame Elizabeth Butler-Schloss says the government is undermining
marriage. By coincidence she said this on the day that gay and lesbian
civil partnerships were legalised. Marriage is a good thing - it makes
families. All the sikh gurus were married. Although it's OK not to be
married, even if it would be better to be married. There's nothing
wrong with not being married, except that if everyone didn't marry
society would fall apart. I really, honestly, don't mind people not
being married.
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Audio |
(2m 42s) |
Script | Read it |
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Tuesday, 06 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Tom Butler |
Rating |
Don't know, have no idea what he's talking about. |
Summary |
Cars don't move without good wheels. Governments need good
oppositions. The bible says government is good. Saint Paul was a big
fan of the Roman Empire right up 'till it executed him. Opposition
used to be by prophets, now it has to be the Tory party.
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Audio |
(2m 40s) |
Script | Read it |
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Monday, 05 Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Colin Morris |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudonous) |
Summary |
Bad people are being flown around the world and being tortured. But
some of these people will be good people. Jesus says we shouldn't do
this to good people, and since Jesus built the West, we should listen
to him. Every time you torture an innocent victim you torture baby
Jesus.
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Audio |
(2m 50s) |
Script |
Read it |
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Saturday, 03
Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Johnston McMaster |
Rating |
1 out of 5 (Hardly platitudinous at all) |
Summary |
George Best was at the height of his talent during the worst of the
troubles in Northern Ireland, showing a different view of the
province. His funeral today unites Catholics and Protestants in a way
no politician or church leader can. The affection shown illustrates
our need for our heroes to be flawed.
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Audio |
(2m 52s) |
Script |
Read
it |
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Friday, 02
Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Alan Billings |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous) |
Summary |
Religious people generally hate one another. However the CofE now has
a black archbishop, which shows we don't hate black people. Some
people do hate black people, like the murderers of young Anthony
Walker. Anthony's parents are nice and forgiving, which they couldn't
have been if they weren't Christians.
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Audio |
(3m 0s) |
Script |
Read
it |
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Thursday, 01
Dec 2005 |
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Presenter |
Anne Atkins |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudonous)
We would also like to commend this presenter
for being outstandingly pompous and patronising. Well done Anne! |
Summary |
C.S. Lewis' works are either admired or hated. Some of his
detractors are academics and authors who weren't as good or as
famous as him, but mostly it is hated by people who are damned. We,
good, saved, people all love him.
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Audio |
(2m 51s) |
Script |
Read it
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