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 Platitude of the Day
 BBC Radio 4 92 - 95 FM (198 LW)
We at the department of Religion & More Religion, recognise that only those who commune with the Invisible Magic Sky Pixie can possibly have any morality. Atheists, agnostics, humanists and other amoral non-believers are therefore excluded from the pure and godly Platitude of the Day, broadcast Monday to Saturday at 07.45 (but obviously not Sundays). For your further edification and spiritual improvement, we therefore present these concise, bite-size summaries of the wisdom of our presenters.
 A whole month of platitudes - Jan 2006
 
For the latest platitudes visit http://www.platitudes.org.uk/

  Tuesday, 31 Jan 2006
 Presenter Elaine Storkey
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary The planet's definitely overheating. So why don't we all start using buses and bikes, and ratchet down the central heating like poor people do? It's because we're all basically selfish and immoral, that's why. Jesus says to be nice to the planet, or else. Rational argument has failed. It's time to take the bible as our environmental manifesto.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 30 Jan 2006
 Presenter Clifford Longley
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Mozart, (a divine, spiritual, godly composer) created both sacred and profane works. But even his profane works are sacred because spiritual and erotic love are really the same thing - the pope just said so. We Catholics listen to Saint Mozart all the time, and some Methodists do to. Only we Christians can really appreciate Mozart properly.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 28 Jan 2006
 Presenter Brian Draper
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Switch to Christ brand. 2 out of 4 religious nutcases said they preferred Christ brand to other leading religions. "We've used Christ brand for at least 1,500 years in our family and it's washed our brains completely empty," said one pilgrim. "Bono's new ethical Product Red is just a passing phase. He's a pretty poor excuse for a messiah."
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 27 Jan 2006
 Presenter David Winter
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary All your little secrets will be found out. God watches Big Brother, listens to fake rocks in Moscow parks and knows all about our politicians' secret foibles. God says "My dear fans, I LOVE you all <kiss>!"
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 26 Jan 2006
 Presenter Jonathan Sacks
 Rating 0 out of 5 (Worth listening too).
 Summary Holocaust memorial day is not just a day of Jewish remembrance. Many others died in the Holocaust too. It is a memorial to other horrors, both in the past and ongoing. "Memory is to the mind what the immune system is to the body." We must all fight hate and promote tolerance, and individual effort matters.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 25 Jan 2006
 Presenter Richard Harries
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Zaki Badawi, a respected muslim leader is dead. My good friend Zaki spoke out against 911, forced marriages, female circumcision and the Rushdie fatwa. He was a firm proponent of British Islam and thought that the Church of England was a really good idea - unlike in France where rabid secularism doesn't allow people to be Muslim. Jesus would've liked him.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 24 Jan 2006
 Presenter Mona Siddiqui
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Euthanasia is a form of minefield (or is it the other way around?). Everyone gets all excited about the beginning and end of life, but what about the bit in between? Muslims look after their disabled and elderly, unlike you lot; the Koran tells us to. It also says to take whatever comes with patience, just as long as it doesn't happen to me.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 23 Jan 2006
 Presenter Clifford Longley
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Creationists are irrational Christians. I'm a rational Christian as I believe in evolution. Some of my best friends believe in evolution. Pope John Paul II believed in evolution, so it must be true. As top species, we have a duty to look after less advanced creatures, like whales that get lost in the Thames. God made us the best mammals so we could look after things for him when he's too busy.
 Audio Listen
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 21 Jan 2006
 Presenter Brian Draper
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Jesus is like a drug: He makes you really happy and you can forget reality. Let's face it, with the long hair and the sandals, and going around saying "more love, more peace, let's not be too judgemental, eh?", Jesus was the archetypal, pot smoking hippie. But Jesus is more than that - it's all like, WOW, really deep. Peace man.
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 20 Jan 2006
 Presenter Richard Harris
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary We have a really good democracy where ministers have to stand up and answer questions. Sometimes they even reply. This is how we make them accountable and ensure they follow correct procedures. Christianity invented all of this. Without Christianity there would be no personal responsibility. It's God who makes us all accountable. We'd behave like naughty children if it weren't for Christianity.
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thurday, 19 Jan 2006
 Presenter Dom Antony Sutch
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Everyone talks about education these days, even the education secretary. There's a lot of fuss about not being able to find head teachers. A head teacher needs to be a good teacher as well as an able administrator. Jesus is the perfect man for the job, the ultimate chief executive. If you can't get the Son of God, then try St. Benedict. He was nearly as good.
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 18 Jan 2006
 Presenter Roy Jenkins
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Jesus said to forgive everyone, so Christians do just that - except for Paedophiles. This isn't a contradiction 'cos Jesus said to protect children. So we let Paedophiles join our church, but don't let them near the youth club, even if we think they're innocent. After all, what would the papers say?
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 17 Jan 2006
 Presenter Mona Siddiqui
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Iraq didn't have WMD. Iran says it doesn't want WMD. Lots of countries want nuclear things. The god of plagues and floods wants to know why we aren't being more peaceful. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?
 Audio (2m 41s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 16 Jan 2006
 Presenter Clifford Longley
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Judas Iscariot gets a bad press in the Gospels for betraying Jesus, but then, somebody had to betray him so that we could all be saved. He was stuck with his fate, just like the rest of us. The other apostles, all Jews, didn't stick up for Jesus either. That's why Christians hated jews for thousands of years. We don't hate Jews any more, which just goes to show what nice people we are.
 Audio (2m 46s)
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 14 Jan 2006
 Presenter Rob Marshall
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Mozart (a sublime, majestic, unparallelled genius), produced lots of incredible, wonderful, perfect, spiritual, religious music (like The Magic Flute, and a Little Night Music, and 41 symphonies). Music is terribly religious and spiritual, so we play it in church all the time. George Elliot got emotional over music too. So every time you listen to music, you're really being religious and spiritual, whether you like it or not; and every time we're being terribly religious and spiritual we're going to play music at you.
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 13 Jan 2006
 Presenter Richard Harris
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary There's not enough respect. Ever since we did away with people being deferential to their betters, it's all gone to pot. There used to be God at the top, then bishops like me, all the way down to ordinary people at the bottom. The great prophet Shakespeare said we wouldn't be able to find any headteachers if we knocked down the hierarchy, and he was right. Jesus said to be nice to each other and do what those in charge tell you.
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 12 Jan 2006
 Presenter Jeevan Singh Deol
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary We Sikhs think Christian churches should get lottery funds, priests should be able to buy wine out of bookshops, and people should be able to carry crosses around everywhere. That way we can insist that Sikhs, Jews and Muslims continue to get all our exceptions from the law as well. That's called being ecumenical. I used to think Sikhs were right about everything, now I'm ecumenical too, and so must you be. I'm not going to mention the gurus today.
 Audio (2m 51s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 11 Jan 2006
 Presenter Mona Siddiqui
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Abraham built the Kaaba in Mecca, so it's very holy. We all go there to shuffle round it in a circle and pray to God. We feel really good doing this as it makes us spiritually fulfilled and all muslims are united. Then we have to go back home and deal with people who aren't muslims. Religion is all about asking questions, except about God, Abraham, the Kaaba, Mohammed, the Umma, Mecca, the Haj, the five pillars of Islam, the Koran, and the Prophet's ascension into the sky from the dome of the rock in Jerusalem.
 Audio (2m 47s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuseday, 10 Jan 2006
 Presenter Tom Butler
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary In 1604, English Christians were threatening to kill each other once more. So good King James told them to write a new bible, which became an icon of English literature. There are lots of translations of the bible. God's word is sufficiently ambiguous that you can read it any way you like. As Mark Twain said, "It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."
 Audio (2m 43s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 9 Jan 2006
 Presenter Alan Billings
 Rating 5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous).
 Summary Science is really good at finding things out; sometimes things that make us think. We have to approach God scientifically and be willing to learn new things about Him. There's a programme on telly tonight that says religion is the root of all evil. Well Nazism and Communism were evil too, so that means we should keep religion. Religion opens people's minds and makes then work happily and joyfully with one another.
 Audio (3m 03s)
 ScriptRead it
  Saturday, 7 Jan 2006
 Presenter Bob Marshall
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Happy day-after-Epiphany everyone! It's not just about wise men visiting mangers you know; it's about God bringing peace and love to all His people, especially in Jerusalem. Despite it being God's will and everybody praying for peace, somehow it never quite seems to happen. Even Ariel Sharon couldn't bring peace to the Middle East. Oooo, isn't it all fascinating?
 Audio (2m 58s)
 ScriptRead it
  Friday, 6 Jan 2006
 Presenter Richard Harries
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary There was something wrong with St. Paul. We don't know what, but he asked God three times to take it away, and God said no. That's why Alcoholics Anonymous insists that vulnerable people believe in God. Charles Kennedy has been immensely brave to admit his problem and seek help. The Liberal Democrat Party will admire him all the more for it.
 Audio (2m 42s)
 ScriptRead it
  Thursday, 5 Jan 2006
 Presenter Jeevan Singh Deol
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary An Italian Judge has asked someone to prove that Jesus existed. But mere evidence will never convince Christians. Secular History changes all the time. Religious History never changes, so it must be better. The Tenth guru took five people into a tent and didn't behead them, or maybe he did? We mustn't allow facts to dictate what we believe.
 Audio (2m 54s)
 ScriptRead it
  Wednesday, 4 Jan 2006
 Presenter Tom Butler
 Rating 4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous).
 Summary Science corrects itself with peer reviews and replicated studies. Negative results prevent researchers wasting time on unfruitful lines of research. Religion's just the same. Through intense scientific experimentation, we've figured out that fanatical religion is a bad thing, and people usually die. Stick to one of the nice religions!
 Audio (2m 53s)
 ScriptRead it
  Tuesday, 3 Jan 2006
 Presenter Angela Tilby
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Churchill wanted to execute Hitler in an electric chair. The viceroy of India wanted to let Ghandi starve to death. The best way to make sure our leaders make the right choices is to pray for them.
 Audio (2m 45s)
 ScriptRead it
  Monday, 2 Jan 2006
 Presenter Alan Billings
 Rating 3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous).
 Summary Jesus did more for human rights than anyone else, anywhere, ever. Sprinkled in with a bit of secular humanism this has given us the tolerant society we have today. Religious fundamentalists want to take all that away. We have to teach history so that people will understand the benefits of being a little bit religious, but not too much. Otherwise there'll be more UK suicide bombers.
 Audio (2m 55s)
 ScriptRead it
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