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Platitude of the Day BBC Radio 4 92 - 95 FM (198 LW) |
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We at the department of Religion & More Religion, recognise that only those who commune with the Invisible Magic Sky
Pixie can possibly have any morality. Atheists, agnostics, humanists and other amoral non-believers are therefore
excluded from the pure and godly Platitude of the Day, broadcast Monday to Saturday at 07.45 (but obviously not Sundays).
For your further edification
and spiritual improvement, we therefore present these concise, bite-size summaries of the wisdom of our presenters.
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A whole month of platitudes - Jan 2006 |
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Tuesday, 31 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Elaine Storkey |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
The planet's definitely overheating. So why don't we all start using buses
and bikes, and ratchet down the central heating like poor people do? It's
because we're all basically selfish and immoral, that's why. Jesus says to be
nice to the planet, or else. Rational argument has failed. It's time to
take the bible as our environmental manifesto.
| Audio |
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Script | Read it
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Monday, 30 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Clifford Longley |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Mozart, (a divine, spiritual, godly composer) created both sacred and
profane works. But even his profane works are sacred because spiritual
and erotic love are really the same thing - the pope just said so. We
Catholics listen to Saint Mozart all the time, and some Methodists do to.
Only we Christians can really appreciate Mozart properly.
| Audio |
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Script | Read it
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Saturday, 28 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Brian Draper |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Switch to Christ brand. 2 out of 4 religious nutcases said they
preferred Christ brand to other leading religions. "We've
used Christ brand for at least 1,500 years in our family and it's
washed our brains completely empty," said one pilgrim. "Bono's new
ethical Product Red is just a passing phase. He's a pretty poor
excuse for a messiah."
| Audio |
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Friday, 27 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
David Winter |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
All your little secrets will be found out. God watches Big Brother, listens
to fake rocks in Moscow parks and knows all about our politicians' secret
foibles. God says "My dear fans, I LOVE you all <kiss>!"
| Audio |
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Script | Read it
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Thursday, 26 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Jonathan Sacks |
Rating |
0 out of 5 (Worth listening too). |
Summary |
Holocaust memorial day is not just a day of Jewish remembrance. Many others
died in the Holocaust too. It is a memorial to other horrors, both in the
past and ongoing. "Memory is to the mind what the immune system is to the body."
We must all fight hate and promote tolerance, and individual effort matters.
| Audio |
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Wednesday, 25 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Richard Harries |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Zaki Badawi, a respected muslim leader is dead. My good friend Zaki
spoke out against 911, forced marriages, female circumcision and
the Rushdie fatwa. He was a firm proponent of British Islam and
thought that the Church of England was a really good idea - unlike in
France where rabid secularism doesn't allow people to be Muslim.
Jesus would've liked him.
| Audio |
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Tuesday, 24 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Mona Siddiqui |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Euthanasia is a form of minefield (or is it the other way around?).
Everyone gets all excited about the beginning and end of life, but what
about the bit in between? Muslims look after their disabled and elderly,
unlike you lot; the Koran tells us to. It also says to take whatever
comes with patience, just as long as it doesn't happen to me.
| Audio |
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Monday, 23 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Clifford Longley |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Creationists are irrational Christians. I'm a rational Christian as I
believe in evolution. Some of my best friends believe in evolution. Pope
John Paul II believed in evolution, so it must be true.
As top species, we have a duty to look after less advanced creatures,
like whales that get lost in the Thames. God made us the best mammals
so we could look after things for him when he's too busy.
| Audio |
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Saturday, 21 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Brian Draper |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Jesus is like a drug: He makes you really happy and you can forget reality. Let's
face it, with the long hair and the sandals, and going around saying "more love,
more peace, let's not be too judgemental, eh?", Jesus was the archetypal, pot smoking hippie.
But Jesus is more than that - it's all like, WOW, really deep. Peace man.
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 20 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Richard Harris |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
We have a really good democracy where ministers have to stand up and answer
questions. Sometimes they even reply. This is how we make them accountable
and ensure they follow correct procedures. Christianity invented all of this.
Without Christianity there would be no personal responsibility. It's God
who makes us all accountable. We'd behave like naughty children if it weren't
for Christianity.
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Thurday, 19 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Dom Antony Sutch |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Everyone talks about education these days, even the education secretary.
There's a lot of fuss about not being able to find head teachers. A head
teacher needs to be a good teacher as well as an able administrator.
Jesus is the perfect man for the job, the ultimate chief executive. If
you can't get the Son of God, then try St. Benedict. He was nearly as good.
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 18 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Roy Jenkins |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Jesus said to forgive everyone, so Christians do just that - except for Paedophiles.
This isn't a contradiction 'cos Jesus said to protect children. So we let Paedophiles
join our church, but don't let them near the youth club, even if we think
they're innocent. After all, what would the papers say?
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuesday, 17 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Mona Siddiqui |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Iraq didn't have WMD. Iran says it doesn't want WMD. Lots of countries want nuclear
things. The god of plagues and floods wants to know why we aren't being more peaceful.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?
| Audio |
(2m 41s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 16 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Clifford Longley |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Judas Iscariot gets a bad press in the Gospels for betraying Jesus, but then,
somebody had to betray him so that we could all be saved. He was stuck with
his fate, just like the rest of us. The other apostles, all Jews, didn't
stick up for Jesus either. That's why Christians hated jews for thousands
of years. We don't hate Jews any more, which just goes to show what nice
people we are.
| Audio |
(2m 46s) |
Script | Read it
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Saturday, 14 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Rob Marshall |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Mozart (a sublime, majestic, unparallelled genius), produced lots of incredible, wonderful,
perfect, spiritual, religious music (like The Magic Flute, and a Little Night Music, and 41
symphonies). Music is terribly religious and spiritual, so we play it in church all the time.
George Elliot got emotional over music too. So every time you listen to music, you're really
being religious and spiritual, whether you like it or not; and every time we're being terribly
religious and spiritual we're going to play music at you.
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 13 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Richard Harris |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
There's not enough respect. Ever since we did away with people being
deferential to their betters, it's all gone to pot. There used to be
God at the top, then bishops like me, all the way
down to ordinary people at the bottom. The great prophet Shakespeare
said we wouldn't be able to find any headteachers if we knocked down
the hierarchy, and he was right. Jesus said to be nice to each other and
do what those in charge tell you.
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 12 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Jeevan Singh Deol |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
We Sikhs think Christian churches should get lottery funds, priests
should be able to buy wine out of bookshops, and people should be able
to carry crosses around everywhere. That way we can insist that Sikhs,
Jews and Muslims continue to get all our exceptions from the law as well.
That's called being ecumenical. I used to think Sikhs were right about
everything, now I'm ecumenical too, and so must you be. I'm not going to
mention the gurus today.
| Audio |
(2m 51s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 11 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Mona Siddiqui |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Abraham built the Kaaba in Mecca, so it's very holy. We all go there to
shuffle round it in a circle and pray to God. We feel really good doing
this as it makes us spiritually fulfilled and all muslims are united. Then
we have to go back home and deal with people who aren't muslims. Religion
is all about asking questions, except about God, Abraham, the Kaaba, Mohammed,
the Umma, Mecca, the Haj, the five pillars of Islam, the Koran, and the
Prophet's ascension into the sky from the dome of the rock in Jerusalem.
| Audio |
(2m 47s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuseday, 10 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Tom Butler |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
In 1604, English Christians were threatening to kill each other once
more. So good King James told them to write a new bible, which became
an icon of English literature. There are lots of translations of the
bible. God's word is sufficiently ambiguous that you can read it any
way you like. As Mark Twain said, "It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."
| Audio |
(2m 43s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 9 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Alan Billings |
Rating |
5 out of 5 (Extraordinarily platitudinous). |
Summary |
Science is really good at finding things out; sometimes things that make
us think. We have to approach God scientifically and be willing to learn
new things about Him. There's a programme on telly tonight that says religion
is the root of all evil. Well Nazism and Communism were evil too, so that
means we should keep religion. Religion opens people's minds and makes then
work happily and joyfully with one another.
| Audio |
(3m 03s) |
Script | Read it
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Saturday, 7 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Bob Marshall |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Happy day-after-Epiphany everyone! It's not just about wise men visiting
mangers you know; it's about God bringing peace and love to all His people,
especially in Jerusalem. Despite it being God's will and everybody praying
for peace, somehow it never quite seems to happen. Even Ariel Sharon couldn't
bring peace to the Middle East. Oooo, isn't it all fascinating?
| Audio |
(2m 58s) |
Script | Read it
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Friday, 6 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Richard Harries |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
There was something wrong with St. Paul. We don't know what, but he
asked God three times to take it away, and God said no. That's why
Alcoholics Anonymous insists that vulnerable people believe in God.
Charles Kennedy has been immensely brave to admit his problem and
seek help. The Liberal Democrat Party will admire him all the more
for it.
| Audio |
(2m 42s) |
Script | Read it
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Thursday, 5 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Jeevan Singh Deol |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
An Italian Judge has asked someone to prove that Jesus existed. But
mere evidence will never convince Christians. Secular History changes
all the time. Religious History never changes, so it must be better.
The Tenth guru took five people into a tent and didn't behead them, or
maybe he did? We mustn't allow facts to dictate what we believe. |
Audio |
(2m 54s) |
Script | Read it
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Wednesday, 4 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Tom Butler |
Rating |
4 out of 5 (Highly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Science corrects itself with peer reviews and replicated studies.
Negative results prevent researchers wasting time on unfruitful lines
of research. Religion's just the same. Through intense scientific
experimentation, we've figured out that fanatical religion is a bad
thing, and people usually die. Stick to one of the nice religions!
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Audio |
(2m 53s) |
Script | Read it
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Tuesday, 3 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Angela Tilby |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Churchill wanted to execute Hitler in an electric chair.
The viceroy of India wanted to let Ghandi starve to death.
The best way to make sure our leaders make the right
choices is to pray for them.
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Audio |
(2m 45s) |
Script | Read it
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Monday, 2 Jan 2006 |
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Presenter |
Alan Billings |
Rating |
3 out of 5 (Fairly platitudinous). |
Summary |
Jesus did more for human rights than anyone else, anywhere, ever. Sprinkled
in with a bit of secular humanism this has given us the tolerant society we have
today. Religious fundamentalists want to take all that away. We have to teach
history so that people will understand the benefits of being a little bit religious,
but not too much. Otherwise there'll be more UK suicide bombers.
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Audio |
(2m 55s) |
Script | Read it
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