VERSION|0.5.1|SUBJECT|Platitude of the Year 2012|CONTENT|[url=http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap130113.html][img=images/2013/01/pic130113.jpg popup=false float=right][/url]Last week, I took the opportunity to review the twelve Clemmie winners of 2012.

John Bell
Mona Siddiqui
Bear Grylls
Rhidian Brook
Lord Sacks (x3)
Anne Atkins
David Wilkinson
Clifford Longley
Lord Singh
Lord Harries

After much thought and prayer, it soon became clear that there were really only three contenders for the prize of Platitude of the Year (POTY) 2012. These are:

Rhidian Brook,
Lord Sacks (x3),
Clifford Longley.

I&#039;m acutely aware that all three are men. I want you all to know that I seriously considered adding a token woman, a bit like Galadriel in the film version of The Hobbit (although that was still an improvement on the book which described a world entirely inhabited by males of all the various species).

I did wonder whether this was gender bias on my part but then considered that this is probably just the will of the Invisible Magic Friend. We know that he has a preference for males because we see this in the Catholic Church. They inform us that all the positions of wealth, power and authority must be reserved exclusively to men. All the men exclusively occupying the positions of wealth, power and authority tell us so. So in the end I thought, if it&#039;s good enough for the Catholic Church then it&#039;s good enough for me. The Invisible Magic Friend really has chosen men to produce all the silliest platitudes this year. All I can say to the other half of the human race is: Come on! You must try harder!

The choice between the three is not an easy one. They have all excelled in hilariously bad logic and complete wrongness. Rhidian Brook&#039;s argument that [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120426-080622]papers tell lies, therefore the Gospels are true[/url], was a wonder to behold. 

I must confess that I had not been previously aware of the horrors that have been visited on humanity by the [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120525-083457]TV remote control[/url] until Lord Sacks so perceptively pointed them out. Nor had I realised just [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120928-082031 ]how far science had to go[/url] in order to achieve the same level of humility as religion. He actually tried the same platitude [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120914-084211 ]on a previous occasion[/url] but I don&#039;t think we should count repeats. His Lordship really is a fount of knowledge and wisdom. Together with his [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry120601-081440]fawning obsequiousness[/url] towards Her Majesty, this made up Lord Sacks&#039; trinity of Clemmies.

Then there is The Master himself, from whom platitudes cascade effortlessly, like an eternal toilet pan in full power flush mode. I&#039;ve said it before, I&#039;m probably his biggest fan. Whereas Lord Sacks took three separate months to accumulate his Clemmies, Clifford Longely, rather nonchalantly I thought, chalked up three potential Clemmies in a [i]single[/i] month. There was his jolly [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry121013-091214]anniversary of  Vatican II[/url] where he reminded us that the Catholic Church wasn&#039;t always the cuddly, fluffy church that it is today. Then there was his advice that [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry121022-081036]prayer was a waste of time[/url] but we should do it anyway as it cheers the Invisible Magic Friend up. 

Finally, in his crushing pièce de résistance, Clifford announced that [url=http://www.platitudes.org.uk/platblog/index.php?entry=entry121029-084318]no true Catholic[/url] would ever systematically abuse children like Jimmy Savile did. In an absolute touch of genius he even pointed out the obvious counter argument that, as we all now know, Catholic priests have been abusing children and covering their crimes up for decades, probably centuries. He then proceeded to completely ignore this!

I mustn&#039;t allow my gushing admiration for The Master to cloud my judgement however. This is a serious task that must be approached calmly and objectively. I am therefore delighted to announce that the particularly invisible bit of the Invisible Magic Friend has revealed to me that CLIFFORD LONGLEY is the Platitude of the Year 2012. That is my infallible choice and you know that it&#039;s infallible because I&#039;m telling you that it is.

(If he gets a third POTY we&#039;ll have to given him a lifetime achievement award.)

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